Almost two years...

As the weather gets colder and the days turn greyer.. I can't stop thinking of my Dad. On November 15 it will be 2 years since he died. In fact, tomorrow is the anniversary of the last time I ever saw him alive.

Its been so hard dealing with this, carrying this weight with me all the time. For those people who have never lost someone its definitely a life changing event, similar in magnitude to having a new baby. Nothing will ever be the same. The world has changed, you have to redefine yourself in a new way.

Death is also something that you dont just "get over". It's always there. You never truly move on, but instead, you learn to live with it. The load gets less uncomfortable but on occasion it slips and it pokes you somewhere tender and then you have to sit, readjust, cry a bit, and put it back on your back. And walk on.

My dad was such a huge part of my life. Of all of our lives. He was a dominant, self-centred person most of the time. It defintely affected how we saw ourselves, how we acted, what we did, what we thought, and what we did.

I feel so lost without him around. This is not to say that I always agreed with his positions or views on things, nor that I really relied on him for a lot of things. In fact, I had to rely on others for the ability to deal with him a lot of the time. He was not an easy person to have in one's life.

But that's not to say I didnt love him. When things were good, things were REALLY good. I was star-struck with him sometimes.

And that relationship is the one I"m missing right now.

********

This is the way you left me
I'm not pretending
no hope no love no glory
no happy ending.

This is the way that we lived
like it was forever
I live the rest of my life
not together

Wake up in the morning
stumble on my life
can't get love
without big sacrifice

Now that it's happened
do you wish me well?
Free from your pain is a little bit of heaven
and a little bit of hell

This is the hardest Story
that I have ever told
no hope or love or glory
our happy ending is gone forevermore

This is the way you left me, I'm not pretending
no hope no love no glory, no happy ending
this is the way that we lived, like it was forever
I'll live the rest of my life, but not together

2 o clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest, keep walking around
if I pretend that nothing ever went wrong
Can I get to sleep if I pretend that we just carried on?

This is the hardest Story I have ever told
no hope no love no glory no happy ending
This was the way that we lived,
like it was forever
I'll live the rest of my life
but not together...