An older mom's lament

My H and I have been ttc baby #2 for a few months. Last week I even went to talk to my doctor and then a therapist about my fears and anxieties about being an "older mom". I'll be 38 in January and there is a lot of information out there on the fact that fertility does decline with age. After reading all of this stuff (which I knew already from reading it before TTC baby #1 back in 2004) I have been in an extreme stress-out situation.

My doctor was a real pro in his discussions and indicated to me that there is a *slight* reduction in fertility as we age, but he didnt make a big deal about it. He assured me there's still a really good chance, but it could take a little longer (maybe even a year longer) than I'd hoped. He did indicate that overall, couples only have a 60% chance of conceiving after 1 year of trying.. that blew me away.

Shocking words for someone like me who concieved her first without even trying - first month, at age 34 (apparently since I delivered at age 35 technically I was a 35 year old first time mother!). The chances of that happening are less than 10%!

Anyhow, despite the stats, I figured with my previous experience I must be some kind of fertility goddess or something, and this time around it would be just as easy, but no...

I'm noticing that the scarier stats for mothers 35+ are usually on the websites of assisted reproduction companies. Part of me is wondering if that is part of their advertising. I know one thing that's for sure, fertility or infertility, we DON'T have the money for either extremely invasive techniques, or adoption, that's for sure. Unless some benevolent financial donor comes our way, whatever nature hands us or doesn't, that's going to have to be where it ends for us as far as family size.

The pain of being at the end of my reproductive life and just beginning in my relationship and my ability to have kids is getting unbearable. I feel so stuck. So trapped. So hopeless. Why was I able to have a baby when I was 13 or 14 for chrissake? I was not even in HIGH SCHOOL yet! And in my prime in my early 20's? I wasn't even done university. I didnt have a real, steady, guaranteed paycheck until I turned 30 1/2.. how is it at that point I was already facing fertility decline? But that's the way human reproduction is at this point. Until science can stop a girl from becoming fertile until she turns 25, and adds another decade onto our reproductive life in our 40's and early 50's this is what we're stuck with.

This world doesn't make sense to me.

I knew about these stats from a fairly early age (late 20's). I never wanted to be in this situation, and I tried REALLY hard to not be here. I tried to stick through relationships in my 2o's that were not the best for me, in fear that I'd not find anyone better before it was too late. Despite it all, those relationships blew up in my face.

I swear the day my boyfriend broke up with me in January 2000 I saw the faces of my yet unborn children (one girl and one boy) disappear before my face, and it was the saddest sight I have ever seen. Iit was not until I was 34 when I got married and 35 when I had my first child. The girl is here.. where's the boy?

Many people tell me to just "be happy" with what I have. I am very happy with what I have. I love my husband and little girl so much. I can't believe what an utterly amazing child I have. But this ongoing babylust to complete my family does NOT mean I dont appreciate what I do have. Its just something beyond logic, beyond comprehension that is sitting in my heart, tugging at my soul, reaching out into the great beyond.

It was always in my mind's eye to be a mom of 2 kids. Probably because I grew up with one sibling, and its familiar and comfortable to me. The pain of looking across my dining room table and seeing one empty chair is really difficult for me.

And now with a few cycles of non-success, those old fears are again creeping up on me. I feel I'm rapidly and desperately running out of time.

I hope I can stay sane as I let mother nature and God work this all out. There's not much else that I can do to help this out, any more than I'm already doing that is.

I hope that God listens to my prayers. I've been saying a lot of them lately.

I miss my dad

A hard day today. I miss my dad insanely.

Despite wishing I was, I am not close to my Dad's family. Nobody really seems to get along in that family. It makes me ache inside that the only ties that I have to my dad are so inacessible.

A few days ago I looked at a photo of my cousin Dan who I've probably not seen in 20 years.

His hair freaked me out. Exactly like my Dad's.

For some reason that photo has caused a lot of emotion in me. When I remember the little things that made my dad human - what he looked like, his hair, his hands, his feet, the way he cleared his throat, the way he walked, etc, THAT's when I have a hard time. I"m starting to forget all the little things and quirks he had that made him human.

I miss him.

Today I miss him Insanely.

Don't forget to check out happy cake!

I've got a new 'twin' blog to this one. see:

www.cakemakesmehappy.blogspot.com

Dedicated to things that make me happy. I need to change my outlook on life. Posts to this site may be a bit fewer and far between.

But drop in to my new place... say hello and have some cake!

Singing the baby blues again

Another month goes by... and I'm still not pregnant.

3am this morning, I got up to pee... and it was obvious, I was definitely not pregnant. I spent the next 2 hours crying. I'm still weepy now 3 hours later.

I know that 2 months is not that long to be trying.. but we conceived Abby the first month we tried. So this time, 2 months seems like forever.

This is such a bind.. on one hand, as I'm already a mom of one, I'm terrified to have another baby. I KNOW pregnancy, childbirth and the early months and years are no picnic. Working full time while pregnant, is not a cakewalk. Its exhausting, emotional, stressful - overall a difficult haul. And with a little one underfoot, I'm not sure how I'd do it. And now that I have a new job to learn, especially one that includes international travel, the prospect of having to work pregnancy around all of that is especially unpleasant.

However, despite all of that, today I'm just plain insanely sad to not be pregnant. What's not helping is that I feel time is passing me by - I'll be 38 in January. There is no time to waste. But this is not something I can just put my mind to and have it work out. Careers and education - my worries of past decades - I know now are much easier to be in control of. Matters related to life and love seem to be all luck, chance and circumstance.

I have so many worries. I'm worried that as Abby gets older and more independent, I'll lose my nerve. That if this waiting game goes on too long that I'll just not want to try anymore. Also, this rollercoaster of "am I or am I not" is really difficult to handle.

What's more stressful is that even if I get pregnant I know there's no guarantees. At my age there's about a 30% chance of miscarriage. I know a lot of people who have had one - or more. I remember the anxiety and terror of the first trimester with Abby... I bled off and on for the entire three months. The anxiety of wondering if she was ok, if she'd be healthy was so difficult to handle. Each doctor's appointment, each screening test, each ultrasound was so terrifying. By the time she was born I was beside myself with worry. Yet another contributing factor to the PPD.

How do I continue to let this go? I admitted to myself last week that I was "ok with whatever happened" but that was when I had an inkling that I might have been pregnant. I was pretty mixed up last week - on one hand, the pregnancy tests were both negative. After the first one on Sunday I cried my eyes out for hours. But despite it all, I was still trying to hang onto a bit of hope. But 2 negative pregnancy tests later, and now "Aunt Flo" is here. So its definite that I'm not pregnant. For someone who was "OK" with whatever happened - baby wise - I'm surprised at the strength of the grief and sadness that's pouring out of me this morning.

At 3am this morning I was so upset that I sought out the company of my husband. I woke him up to talk. God bless him - he woke up and talked with me until it was time to get up at 6:30. Sorry honey - I know you'll be exhausted today. I dont do that very often, because I dont want to wake him up. But I just couldnt help it today.

One thing we talked about in the dark was how we KNEW that God was working in our lives when we got married, and when Abby came along. That feeling that God is watching over your shoulder, and you have that wonderful glow of warmth and a strong God-presence was obvious to us both. Our wedding day was sunny, happy and bright. A perfect day. Our honeymoon was bright and glorious. And Abby came along 9 months later. All was perfect...

Except there have been so many hard things since then. The difficult pregnancy. The traumatic birth. The postpartum depression. The death of my father. My illnesses and surgery. My husband's "case". Losing my job. Our marriage has been was mired in the pain and helplessness or our our own individual painful circumstances. I have felt so far away from that warmth and radiance of God's love most days. A total opposite of how I felt on my wedding day and honeymoon. Lately the only praying I do is kind of an helpless, desperate with a bit of bitterness. Not at all like the joyous or warm prayers I felt leading up to our wedding, and the birth of our daughter.

Mind you I did get a bit of a reprieve.. I prayed on hands and knees a few weeks ago to get me out of my old job, away from that situation that was causing me such pain. 4 hours later I had a job offer.

But I still feel a million miles away with regards to God's guidance on having another baby......

Not much new....

New job is good. I'm sleeping better.

No news on the trying to get pregnant front. Not sure if no news is good news or bad news.. just no news.