Almost two years...

As the weather gets colder and the days turn greyer.. I can't stop thinking of my Dad. On November 15 it will be 2 years since he died. In fact, tomorrow is the anniversary of the last time I ever saw him alive.

Its been so hard dealing with this, carrying this weight with me all the time. For those people who have never lost someone its definitely a life changing event, similar in magnitude to having a new baby. Nothing will ever be the same. The world has changed, you have to redefine yourself in a new way.

Death is also something that you dont just "get over". It's always there. You never truly move on, but instead, you learn to live with it. The load gets less uncomfortable but on occasion it slips and it pokes you somewhere tender and then you have to sit, readjust, cry a bit, and put it back on your back. And walk on.

My dad was such a huge part of my life. Of all of our lives. He was a dominant, self-centred person most of the time. It defintely affected how we saw ourselves, how we acted, what we did, what we thought, and what we did.

I feel so lost without him around. This is not to say that I always agreed with his positions or views on things, nor that I really relied on him for a lot of things. In fact, I had to rely on others for the ability to deal with him a lot of the time. He was not an easy person to have in one's life.

But that's not to say I didnt love him. When things were good, things were REALLY good. I was star-struck with him sometimes.

And that relationship is the one I"m missing right now.

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This is the way you left me
I'm not pretending
no hope no love no glory
no happy ending.

This is the way that we lived
like it was forever
I live the rest of my life
not together

Wake up in the morning
stumble on my life
can't get love
without big sacrifice

Now that it's happened
do you wish me well?
Free from your pain is a little bit of heaven
and a little bit of hell

This is the hardest Story
that I have ever told
no hope or love or glory
our happy ending is gone forevermore

This is the way you left me, I'm not pretending
no hope no love no glory, no happy ending
this is the way that we lived, like it was forever
I'll live the rest of my life, but not together

2 o clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest, keep walking around
if I pretend that nothing ever went wrong
Can I get to sleep if I pretend that we just carried on?

This is the hardest Story I have ever told
no hope no love no glory no happy ending
This was the way that we lived,
like it was forever
I'll live the rest of my life
but not together...

Can barely manage one blog, let alone two

In the name of reducing stress... I just can't manage two blogs. My (ha!) loyal readers might just miss something on one or the other blog.

So, here are the posts from : "Cake Makes Me Happy" - for posterity. I'll probably not be posting on there much anymore. Not to worry, I will definitely try to post the HAPPIER things on this blog as well as just my crises, trials and tribulations.

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Church lifts the spirit
Psalm 27:14: Wait for the LORD;Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.
Posted by Patty at 7:44 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Even funnier from a 2 year old
Saying grace at our household.. we tend to "free form" it. We say "what do you want to thank God for" and sometimes Abby will reply with some highlights of her life such as "noodles, sunny days, clouds, mommy, daddy, nene, uncle Chris".The other day, it was grace time before dinner and we said yet again "what do you want to thank God for?"Abby replies "umm... the blue stuff on my hands?" (marker stains on her hands)We all burst out laughing.Too funny.
Posted by Patty at 5:54 AM 1 comments
Monday, September 24, 2007

Funny two year olds
My favourite dialogues-with-a-two-year-old in the past few weeks:Clancy: “Abby! Did you know your full name is Abigail H.?”Abby: “No - my name is Abigail B.”Clancy: “Why are you Abigail B?”Abby: “Jacob B” (name of another little boy at daycare)Clancy: “Oh are you married to Jacob B?”Abby: “Yes. I hit him."Patty: BWAAHAAAHAA!!!*****Abby: “I love Church”.Patty: “you love Church? That’s great honey!”Abby: “I love Jesus!”Patty: “That’s great! I love Jesus too! Jesus is a great person!”Abby: “HAAHAAA Jesus is a funny guy! He has a big beard!”*********Abby: “I’m married."Patty: “You’re married?”Abby “yes”Patty: “to who?”Abby: “Jesus”Patty: “Oh if you’re married to Jesus, I guess that means you’re a Nun!”Abby: DADDY! I’m um .. um.. a Nun! Nun! Nun! Nun!”
Posted by Patty at 12:03 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Indian Summer makes me happy
It's late September. And its 27 degrees out there.Isn't that something?Summer-like days, and crisp nights with the smell of wood smoke in the air makes me happy.
Posted by Patty at 10:07 AM 2 comments
Friday, September 14, 2007

Hockey makes me happy
I played hockey last night for the first time in 2 years.I can still play!I was worried that I'd have forgotten everything I learned, however, after the skills session was over, I realized that I was as good as I was three years ago - with one tiny exception. Stick handling was a bit off. At first it felt awkward and foreign, but as time went on it felt a bit better. Not quite as good as I used to be, but close. However, as hockey-style stick handling was never my forte, I'm ok with it. I'm sure I'll pick it up again. Its amazing how the body remembers how to do things after years of non-use.It was amazing to feel so free, to remember a part of my life that I'd long forgotten. And despite all my intense baby-yearnings lately, last night I was pretty glad that I wasn't pregnant. I felt free, and I felt energized, and I was flying around the ice.Now I feel a LOT more "free" to get pregnant again. I won't have that "oh its been so long since I've played, I bet I forget how to play" intimidation on me. This will definitely unlock that tiny bit of resistance and resentment about getting pregnant again that's been there in the back of my brain these last 2 months of attempted conception. I know that even if I'm off for another 2 years with a pregnancy and a young infant, that hockey will still be there for me when I'm ready to come back.I feel so free with that now.Getting ready for the game, I felt a bit shaky, as it was the first time out there since so many things happened in my life - losing my father, my abdominal surgery, a new job (twice) and recovery from postpartum depression. The last time I tried to play was 3 months after my daughter was born, and I was so exhausted and out of shape I barely lasted 30 minutes. Getting dressed last night I had the shakes so bad, I had a lump in my throat, I was so nervous. What would happen if everything in the past was just so difficult and I'd never be able to play again? What if my body had changed so much that hockey was just not going to be possible anymore?However, 10 minutes on the ice, I knew I was going to be fine. I felt like I was in much better shape than I was 2 years ago. It was one more victory I've reclaimed back since all of my pain and strife. One more giant step towards getting back to who I used to be. And that makes me insanely happy.A pretty good feeling.I love team sports - I get so enthralled into them I forget about everything else. Minutes and hours pass and I dont even realize it. I dont hear the people in the stands, I forget about work, about my troubles, all the things that have been on my mind, my babylust, my worries, and I just follow the play, skate, challenge, challenge..protect my net..get into position..woops they're on a breakaway..get going..get going.....*gasping for breath*....speed wobble.....laughing..laughing.....high on adrenaline....a huge feeling of accomplishment for us old gals as we try to hoof our butts around the arena.....socializing in the dressing room after the game with other fellow hockey-princess-warriors...I forgot how fun that was.
Posted by Patty at 5:30 AM 4 comments
Thursday, September 13, 2007

Why Cake?
Cake. Yes cake. I always get happy about cake. I dont know why. Maybe its the warm smell as it bakes in the oven.. the fun of spreading creamy icing or dusting of icing sugar, cocoa, or other topping... mmmmmm......Its one of the first happy smells to enter into my brain as a young child.Maybe its the fact that cake is associated with the happier things in life - a wedding, a baby, a birthday, a new job.Maybe its the fact that my daughter is fascinated with "Happy to you cakes" and makes numerous cake replicas out of sand on a daily basis. Complete with a leaf or a stick as a "candle".Maybe its the fact that I just love cake. Its sticky, sweet goodness.Its almost my 3rd wedding anniversary.. I'm thinking of ordering a mini-replica of our wedding cake to celebrate. It was an awesome cake - marble chocolate/vanilla with bavarian cream filling, and butter cream icing, from the Orleans Bakery in east end Ottawa.It was tasty.Just thinking of that cake makes me happy.
Posted by Patty at 8:23 AM 1 comments

First cakepost!
This is my second blog on here.My first blog - in search of sleep - really focussed a lot on the difficulties I've had to go through in the past few years. Postpartum depression. The death of my father. Surgery. Marital problems.I know that one's moods are really affected by things that you think about.I need happier things in my life.This blog is dedicated to things that make me happy.Enjoy!
Posted by Patty at 8:17 AM 1 comments

Waiting on the Lord

Last night I needed some peace so I went to church at 6:30 pm. This was the theme. How appropriate.

Since I really do think that babies are a gift from God, I think this is particularly appropriate.

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One of the important exhortations of Christian faith is the call to “wait on the Lord.” Even though God promises special blessing for waiting, waiting is one of the most difficult exhortations of Scripture. Why is it so hard? Because, as a part of fallen humanity, we are so prone to take matters into our own hands, to follow our own schemes. Yet, over and over again we are told in Scripture “Wait on the Lord.”

We don’t like to wait and when we think of waiting we are apt to respond with the pun, “Wait? That’s what made the bridge collapse!” Of course, that’s weight, not wait. But then these two words, weight and wait are not always unrelated because one of our needs in waiting on the Lord is the need to cast the weighty burdens of life on Him.

The comment about the bridge expresses our normal dislike for waiting, especially in our “I want it now!” society. Ours is a society that has grown accustomed to immediate gratification. Due to modern technology and all our conveniences—telephones, refrigerators, freezers, microwaves, fast foods, airplanes, etc.—we have many things immediately at our fingertips. Just think of the speed of the latest computer technology in comparison with the computers of only a few years ago.

Even in our modern age of conveniences, waiting is still a big part of life. When we think of waiting, what comes to mind? We might conjure up visions of an airport terminal, a doctor’s waiting room, the line at the supermarket, or being stuck in rush hour traffic. The facts are, most of us are waiting for something most of the time:

- Maybe you are in a job situation that’s really tough to endure and you are waiting and hoping that conditions will change for the better.
- Maybe you are without a job and waiting for news on an application.
- Maybe you are ill (or have a loved one who is) and waiting for health to improve.
- Maybe you are on a diet and waiting for your weight to drop a few pounds.
- A single person may be waiting for Mr. or Miss Right.
- You want a(nother) child but God has other plans for you right now

The simple fact is, in spite of our modern age and our dislike for waiting, life is full of waiting. And one of the most challenging exhortations of Scripture is “Wait.” But waiting, despite our impatience and our dislike for it, is a vital element in life. Indeed, waiting has a number of benefits. Because the Lord tells us to wait, and since it has some wonderful benefits, we need to know what it means to wait and how that is to be done.

How do we truly learn to wait for and on the Lord and experience the promised blessing of God?


Waiting Necessitates the Passage of Time

In our "now" generation we must understand and accept the fact that waiting on the Lord always involves the passage of time just as it does when we are waiting for the news, a special TV program, for a plane to arrive, for retirement. Waiting on the Lord inevitably means enduring the passage of time, but it means more, much more.

Waiting Means Confident Expectation

Waiting involves an expectation of something special. Waiting means anticipation, expectation, confident hope in something that will take place. Ultimately, waiting on the Lord is like waiting on the sun to rise—waiting expectantly for the Lord’s answers to human needs as the sun brings the warmth of the day.

Waiting Involves an Expectation Based on Knowledge and Trust

Without knowledge and trust, we simply won’t wait—at least not without a great deal of anxiety—and usually not without taking matters into our own hands. The ability to wait on God's blessings comes from being confident and focussed on who God is and what God is doing. It means confidence in God's person, confidence in His wisdom, love, timing, understanding of our situation and of the world. To wait on the Lord means learning to be content and patient as we cling to God in a fallen world and rest in His love and wisdom. Key to this is knowing that someday we will be in a perfect world that is everything this world is not.

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18: Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

On the one hand, being content and patient means learning to be independent of the things we think we need for our significance, security, or satisfaction in life.

Phillipians: 4: 11-13 Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

On the other hand, it means learning to cling to the Lord in the midst of a fallen world. It means resting in His goodness and being committed to His purposes and glory no matter how things seem.

Another month, another heartbreak

Cycle #3 come and gone.. and no baby. Caught me by surprise - 3 days early. Was not a fun experience. Was at the home of my in-laws and just as we're leaving for church, AF shows up. I was emotionally raw already, and then arrived at Church - the same place we went to church as kids. I spent a bit of time looking over at the pew (front right, 3 or 4 from the front) where my family used to sit.. strong emotions.

The second or third song they played was "Here I am Lord" - which was one of my dad's faves, I can still hear his voice when that song is played. It was also the entrance hymn to my dad's funeral. Walking into the church behind my dad's coffin, stunned, shocked, not even feelign my own legs, feeling like I was floating.. I know that song was playing, but its only now, 2 years later, when I'm actually having flashbacks and tangible memories of that day.

The arrival of AF, signalling no baby this month, being at that Church, as well as the song just pushed me over the edge. I burst out crying and walked out of the Church. It took a long time to get myself some composure.

I'm still crying off and on even today.

my relationship with the BIG GUY

Yes.. GOD, the Big Guy, Yahweh, Great Spirit, Jehovah, or whatever you want to call him. My relationship with him is suffering today.

I am struggling so badly during this "trying to conceive baby #2" period in my life, I found myself cursing God out this morning. And badly. I was awful. I called HIM every name in the book. I probably deserve a lightning strike to the head for that.

Whether or not baby #2 comes along is largely in HIS hands, and I'm not happy with that. I wish he'd give up some control to me, or deliver the answer to my prayers (which I THINK is another baby). but you never know. Sometimes God has other plans that are better for you than what you'd arrange for yourself. But little old non-trusting me, I dont trust that my best interests are in God's hands. I dont know why trust is so hard for me, but it is.

Maybe becuase there have been too many "acts of God" that have been painful for me lately. Especially the surprise death of my dad. Only God calls us home, decides when its time to stop being alive and to come home to HIM. Yes, I have tried to look at my dad's sudden death in this way, and try to be happy for my dad, but what about us? God took my dad home, which has been so painful for those of us who are left. If it's a God decision, why the hell is it so hard for us who are left to grieve? Why can't God make it easier for us to accept His will? Why is it so painful sometimes? And on that note, I'm struggling with that. Struggling to accept that God's will is always in our best interest.

Back to the wondering when/if we'll have another baby. I *know* I should take the lessons that I've learned in all my religious and spiritual education and be HAPPY with what I have (job, house, car, one child, husband, friends, etc) and not angry about what I don't. And I should stop comparing myself to others, becuase I can always find a reason to feel inadequate.

But today I just can't.

I'm in another insomnia phase which is probably not helping. I'm trying to track my insomnia phases, and have noticed the following trends:

I can't sleep when the following is going on:

Early in the week - feeling like I have so much on my plate and I'm overwhelmed with the whole week to come.

Mid-cycle - who knows why - hormones?

Full moon - this one stumps me. I rarely sleep well for the 3-4 days approaching the full moon, and then the next day, BAM a good night of sleep for a day or two.

Pre-and-post "auntie flo" - hormones again?

Pre-vacation, holiday and travel - disruption in my "routine" (such as it is for an insomniac!)

Too much on my plate - trying to remember everything I need to get done around the house and also at work. All the little thoughts keep dancing in my head, causing anxiety.

God please just give me some peace on all of this. Please.