Went to Yoga on Weds. night. My brother came over to baby sit. Other than a few leaky diapers (she had one again this morning too and I put that one on!) he did very well.
The night out sans toddler to do some yoga was just what the doctor ordered. I've felt relaxed, refreshed (a bit sore though) and a lot calmer since I did that. I hope we can make Wednesday night yoga a more regular event.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
I'm not doing so well
I'm starting to get really exhausted again. Things in my life piling up, requiring more energy than I've got. I have a new staff member, although a smart person, has no file or subject experience. Its a lot of work to get a new person up to speed on things. And he's only here temporarily. By the time I get him up to speed on the file, and a general awareness of the work, he'll be gone. My only other permanent staff remaining from my old group dislocated her shoulder and won't be back to work for awhile. I can't hire anyone new, despite the fact that I have three vacant positions. The government in its wisdom considers people who are away on leave, whether it be education leave, on assignment to another gorup, or maternity leave, to be "on strength" and therefore, unreplaceable during their absence. Of course this does not reduce management's expectations that the work is still going to get done, because "on paper" we have five people. But in reality, we have one new person who's here temporarily, and one person on sick leave, and one person about to go away on french training. And that's it.
Please help me, I'm drowning.
I've got to go away starting Monday for 3 weeks for language training. Although it sounds like fun, it will be a lot of work. Language training is exhausting and draining. I'll be at it, 8 hours per day, every day, for several weeks. Every time I've done language training I've felt like I've been hit by a truck, its so mentally taxing.
My husband and I are still not getting along. I need him to make some changes in his lifestyle that he's not willing to make. I really can't handle making dinner almost every weeknight anymore, as well as carrying the load for baby pick ups, especially when he doesn't come home until close to 6pm. I can't keep trying to manage a majorly understaffed work unit, cook dinners most nights, as well as keeping my daughter entertained at the same time as cooking. Its just not possible. I'm starting to suffer serious anxiety issues again - jitteriness, forgetfulness, insomnia, body pain. I'm so stiff and sore from being so anxious that I can barely move.
I really have to make some major changes in my life, but I dont know where to start. Even a job change itself can be stressful - who knows if I'd be jumping from the frying pan into the fire?
I wish I didnt have to carry the major financial load for this family. It would give me a few more options than staying in the public service. Yes, it pays well, but its a really stressful situation, as there's waay too many stupid policies that hinder our abilities to do our jobs. I feel like I"m "golden handcuffed" to this place, and I dont like that feeling.
Please help me, I'm drowning.
I've got to go away starting Monday for 3 weeks for language training. Although it sounds like fun, it will be a lot of work. Language training is exhausting and draining. I'll be at it, 8 hours per day, every day, for several weeks. Every time I've done language training I've felt like I've been hit by a truck, its so mentally taxing.
My husband and I are still not getting along. I need him to make some changes in his lifestyle that he's not willing to make. I really can't handle making dinner almost every weeknight anymore, as well as carrying the load for baby pick ups, especially when he doesn't come home until close to 6pm. I can't keep trying to manage a majorly understaffed work unit, cook dinners most nights, as well as keeping my daughter entertained at the same time as cooking. Its just not possible. I'm starting to suffer serious anxiety issues again - jitteriness, forgetfulness, insomnia, body pain. I'm so stiff and sore from being so anxious that I can barely move.
I really have to make some major changes in my life, but I dont know where to start. Even a job change itself can be stressful - who knows if I'd be jumping from the frying pan into the fire?
I wish I didnt have to carry the major financial load for this family. It would give me a few more options than staying in the public service. Yes, it pays well, but its a really stressful situation, as there's waay too many stupid policies that hinder our abilities to do our jobs. I feel like I"m "golden handcuffed" to this place, and I dont like that feeling.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Abby-isms
My daughter is a very talkative almost-two-year old. And she comes up with the funniest words.
Some of her funniest lately include:
"pay-picks" and "surps" (pancakes and syrup)
"cake, keem and peachies" - her list of dessert favourites, in descending order of preference
"pawk" and "sachak" (park, and "snack shack") - she loves to go to the park and play in this little house there, she pretends she's serving food from the windows, so we've labelled the house "Abby's Snack Shack")
"amick" - triceratops dinosaur bath toys
"debby debby" and "debby debby uh-oh" - two brontosaurus bath toys. Debby debby uh-oh used to just be called "debby debby" but it got its third name after losing the top of it's noggin. Abby bit part of the first debby debby's head off several months ago. She seemed so shocked and upset to see debby debby with only part of a head, so we bought her another one. Now she holds them both up together and goes "debby debby" and "debby debby uh-oh", and scratches her head.
She's also got this funny game going with her father, all about eating noses and whiskers and the like. She pretends to pick off Clancy's whiskers or nose, and eat them. Then when Clancy fake-cries that she ate his nose or whiskers, she laughs her butt off and goes "buahahah! Crying"! I hope that she means that she thinks that his fake-laughing is funny, as the only other explanation is that my beautiful child is a budding psychopath. Nah, I doubt that, she has always expressed serious concern every time she saw or heard someone in pain or crying. Maybe its just my husband's goofy ways.
Did I mention how smart my daughter is? She is 21 months old, knows most of her letters, can count to twelve, and can spell some simple words (like "pat"). She scares me she's so smart.
Some of her funniest lately include:
"pay-picks" and "surps" (pancakes and syrup)
"cake, keem and peachies" - her list of dessert favourites, in descending order of preference
"pawk" and "sachak" (park, and "snack shack") - she loves to go to the park and play in this little house there, she pretends she's serving food from the windows, so we've labelled the house "Abby's Snack Shack")
"amick" - triceratops dinosaur bath toys
"debby debby" and "debby debby uh-oh" - two brontosaurus bath toys. Debby debby uh-oh used to just be called "debby debby" but it got its third name after losing the top of it's noggin. Abby bit part of the first debby debby's head off several months ago. She seemed so shocked and upset to see debby debby with only part of a head, so we bought her another one. Now she holds them both up together and goes "debby debby" and "debby debby uh-oh", and scratches her head.
She's also got this funny game going with her father, all about eating noses and whiskers and the like. She pretends to pick off Clancy's whiskers or nose, and eat them. Then when Clancy fake-cries that she ate his nose or whiskers, she laughs her butt off and goes "buahahah! Crying"! I hope that she means that she thinks that his fake-laughing is funny, as the only other explanation is that my beautiful child is a budding psychopath. Nah, I doubt that, she has always expressed serious concern every time she saw or heard someone in pain or crying. Maybe its just my husband's goofy ways.
Did I mention how smart my daughter is? She is 21 months old, knows most of her letters, can count to twelve, and can spell some simple words (like "pat"). She scares me she's so smart.
another insomnia phase for a week now, and a rambling post
Glargh. I'm not sleeping again. I thought it was the antidepressants so I tapered down on the dosage, but still struggling to sleep. I'm so exhausted, I'm becoming such a bitch it's not funny. I've not got any more sleeping medication and I'm at a total loss on how to break this stalemate I have with Mr. Sandman.
I'm so tired and it affects everything I do. I just don't want to do anything, my insane fatigue has completely destroyed my initiative to do anything. I am becoming such a crab - I swear I don't intend to, but as soon as I open my mouth to talk to my husband, something well intentioned comes out harsher than the sound of nails on a chalkboard. I see him cringe and roll his eyes when I start to talk, and I don't blame him. I just feel so crappy. I sound so crappy. I'm becoming a crappy spouse.
My daughter has been sick lately, which has been an additional stress, on top of my already stressful working-mom life. Abby had a really bad chest cold which wound up as bacterial bronchitis. She had to stay home from daycare and I had to tend to her sick-toddler ways for a few days last week. I finally brought her into the doctor's 2 weeks ago and she was put on antibiotics for 10 days. No sooner was she finished the antibiotics she had a stomach bug. Poor little bean was barfing her guts out all over the living room on Monday night.
Last night I fell asleep halfway through the hockey game (I actually got my butt of the couch and went to bed instead of sleeping on the couch at least) and woke up at 1am, and have not been back to sleep since. I feel so crappy its not funny. I've got a chronic back problem (herniated disc during pregnancy) that is not well served by the lack of sleep that I'm suffering. Everything in my body aches and I've got no energy. So I'm sitting here, writing this post.
Some good news - both babies that I was worried about last week came through just fine. One was born healthy and happy last week, a much bigger baby than the experts thought. The other baby, the one that had to endure surgery, came through OK. She had to have an ovary and a fallopian tube removed, but the good news was the lump in her abdomen was not a tumour after all, but rather an ovarian cyst that went haywire and twisted up an ovary and a tube. The tube filled up with blood creating a giant mass in her abdomen. Its sad to know this little baby only has one tube and one ovary, but the experts say she'll be fine with one. Mother nature is amazing and she's built in duplication in many animals for a reason (two eyes, two ears, two lungs, two kidneys...)
I've been thinking a lot about my dad lately.. having very vivid dreams about him and then waking up to remember "oh yeah, he's gone" and feeling that sick, slow, painful grief-burn take over my body. That awful, horrible, crushing feeling that I got so familiar with the weeks and months immediately after his death. The pain of knowing that this was one situation that we could never, ever get out of. So then, in this phase when I've been thinking of him a lot, something weird happened yesterday - I got a letter in the mail to confirm a gift subscription to a magazine. My mom took out the subscription, but for some reason the gift card was signed "a gift subscription from Mr. P.W. Story". Maybe the credit card she used for the subscription was in my dad's name? I'm not sure. I'll have to ask her. My dad's been dead for sixteen months now, and to see his name on the card like he was somehow still alive, was shocking. My eyes welled up with tears and my throat choked up.
Most of the time I still can't believe he's gone. I still keep thinking that someday soon the tough period will be over and we'll all go back to "normal" and resume our former life. That this is just a "tough period" and once we get through it, everything will be fine. But everything with regards to my parents is not fine. It will never BE fine ever again. But my brain still thinks that I'll be able to call home and hear him pick up the phone and answer "one horse" to my question "how's it going?" (don't ask, my dad had some weird, strange, funny inside jokes, funny only to himself sometimes!) Its so hard to keep remembering that part of my life is over. Forever. We can't go back.
I still feel so lost.
The one thing that keeps me anchored though, is my little girl. She's difficult, and hilarious.
Some difficult times: she's definitely becoming a terrible two year old. Last night she was queen of "NO!", and was the master of crumpling her little body into a loose, wobbly heap whenever I tried to steer her into doing something she didnt want to do. She protested at every turn - she didnt want to come in from playing in the backyard after supper, she didnt want to get her clothes off for her bath, she didnt want to get into the bathtub... I had to pick her up so many times, yet another reason my back is vibrating in pain this morning.
Some fun times: This morning she discovered a single serving yogurt carton in the fridge that had its top peeled off (she has discovered how to do this and loves to go into the fridge and take all the tops off the yogurts). She pulled the carton out of the fridge, and then started eating it by "drinking" the yogurt out of the carton. I looked at her and she smiled (with a face full of blueberry yogurt) and said "drink! 'gurt!"
I offered her a spoon and she sat right down on the floor to eat the rest of the yogurt. The scene was even funnier as her sleeper snaps on the inside of her legs had popped open and she was pretty much sitting there wearing the top of her sleepers, bare legs, her diaper, and blueberry yogurt all over her face, hands and the kitchen floor. Her diaper was pretty full (morning diaper!) and it was barely hanging on to her little hips.
Prior to discovering the yogurt, she had been playing with a set of plastic tongs and they were right beside her on the floor. She let loose with one of her hilarious, expressive "ooooOOO!!!!" sounds and picked up the tongs, and shoved them into the yogurt. She managed to stick the tips of the tongs in the yogurt, pull them out, and lick the yogurt off. At one point she pulled out one teeny blueberry between the tongs, picked it off with her fingers, and put it in her mouth with a satisfied "yum". After a little while she looked up at me and smiled her yogurty smile, and said with serious gusto: "gurt... tongs... yummm!"
Man, what a mess. And first thing in the morning after an insomnia night. I didn't feel too good bending over to wipe up the mess off the floor. It was pretty funny though. Instead of getting mad at her for making such a mess, I admired her for using such an ingenious and creative way to eat yogurt. And of course I took photos.
Does this make me a bad mom?
I'm so tired and it affects everything I do. I just don't want to do anything, my insane fatigue has completely destroyed my initiative to do anything. I am becoming such a crab - I swear I don't intend to, but as soon as I open my mouth to talk to my husband, something well intentioned comes out harsher than the sound of nails on a chalkboard. I see him cringe and roll his eyes when I start to talk, and I don't blame him. I just feel so crappy. I sound so crappy. I'm becoming a crappy spouse.
My daughter has been sick lately, which has been an additional stress, on top of my already stressful working-mom life. Abby had a really bad chest cold which wound up as bacterial bronchitis. She had to stay home from daycare and I had to tend to her sick-toddler ways for a few days last week. I finally brought her into the doctor's 2 weeks ago and she was put on antibiotics for 10 days. No sooner was she finished the antibiotics she had a stomach bug. Poor little bean was barfing her guts out all over the living room on Monday night.
Last night I fell asleep halfway through the hockey game (I actually got my butt of the couch and went to bed instead of sleeping on the couch at least) and woke up at 1am, and have not been back to sleep since. I feel so crappy its not funny. I've got a chronic back problem (herniated disc during pregnancy) that is not well served by the lack of sleep that I'm suffering. Everything in my body aches and I've got no energy. So I'm sitting here, writing this post.
Some good news - both babies that I was worried about last week came through just fine. One was born healthy and happy last week, a much bigger baby than the experts thought. The other baby, the one that had to endure surgery, came through OK. She had to have an ovary and a fallopian tube removed, but the good news was the lump in her abdomen was not a tumour after all, but rather an ovarian cyst that went haywire and twisted up an ovary and a tube. The tube filled up with blood creating a giant mass in her abdomen. Its sad to know this little baby only has one tube and one ovary, but the experts say she'll be fine with one. Mother nature is amazing and she's built in duplication in many animals for a reason (two eyes, two ears, two lungs, two kidneys...)
I've been thinking a lot about my dad lately.. having very vivid dreams about him and then waking up to remember "oh yeah, he's gone" and feeling that sick, slow, painful grief-burn take over my body. That awful, horrible, crushing feeling that I got so familiar with the weeks and months immediately after his death. The pain of knowing that this was one situation that we could never, ever get out of. So then, in this phase when I've been thinking of him a lot, something weird happened yesterday - I got a letter in the mail to confirm a gift subscription to a magazine. My mom took out the subscription, but for some reason the gift card was signed "a gift subscription from Mr. P.W. Story". Maybe the credit card she used for the subscription was in my dad's name? I'm not sure. I'll have to ask her. My dad's been dead for sixteen months now, and to see his name on the card like he was somehow still alive, was shocking. My eyes welled up with tears and my throat choked up.
Most of the time I still can't believe he's gone. I still keep thinking that someday soon the tough period will be over and we'll all go back to "normal" and resume our former life. That this is just a "tough period" and once we get through it, everything will be fine. But everything with regards to my parents is not fine. It will never BE fine ever again. But my brain still thinks that I'll be able to call home and hear him pick up the phone and answer "one horse" to my question "how's it going?" (don't ask, my dad had some weird, strange, funny inside jokes, funny only to himself sometimes!) Its so hard to keep remembering that part of my life is over. Forever. We can't go back.
I still feel so lost.
The one thing that keeps me anchored though, is my little girl. She's difficult, and hilarious.
Some difficult times: she's definitely becoming a terrible two year old. Last night she was queen of "NO!", and was the master of crumpling her little body into a loose, wobbly heap whenever I tried to steer her into doing something she didnt want to do. She protested at every turn - she didnt want to come in from playing in the backyard after supper, she didnt want to get her clothes off for her bath, she didnt want to get into the bathtub... I had to pick her up so many times, yet another reason my back is vibrating in pain this morning.
Some fun times: This morning she discovered a single serving yogurt carton in the fridge that had its top peeled off (she has discovered how to do this and loves to go into the fridge and take all the tops off the yogurts). She pulled the carton out of the fridge, and then started eating it by "drinking" the yogurt out of the carton. I looked at her and she smiled (with a face full of blueberry yogurt) and said "drink! 'gurt!"
I offered her a spoon and she sat right down on the floor to eat the rest of the yogurt. The scene was even funnier as her sleeper snaps on the inside of her legs had popped open and she was pretty much sitting there wearing the top of her sleepers, bare legs, her diaper, and blueberry yogurt all over her face, hands and the kitchen floor. Her diaper was pretty full (morning diaper!) and it was barely hanging on to her little hips.
Prior to discovering the yogurt, she had been playing with a set of plastic tongs and they were right beside her on the floor. She let loose with one of her hilarious, expressive "ooooOOO!!!!" sounds and picked up the tongs, and shoved them into the yogurt. She managed to stick the tips of the tongs in the yogurt, pull them out, and lick the yogurt off. At one point she pulled out one teeny blueberry between the tongs, picked it off with her fingers, and put it in her mouth with a satisfied "yum". After a little while she looked up at me and smiled her yogurty smile, and said with serious gusto: "gurt... tongs... yummm!"
Man, what a mess. And first thing in the morning after an insomnia night. I didn't feel too good bending over to wipe up the mess off the floor. It was pretty funny though. Instead of getting mad at her for making such a mess, I admired her for using such an ingenious and creative way to eat yogurt. And of course I took photos.
Does this make me a bad mom?
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Things that don't really matter
- Work
- Careers
- Money
- An expensive car
- A stylish, expensive house
Things that do really matter:
- The health of your family
- Happiness and harmony at home
- Your health
- Having food to eat
This morning my friend's 2 month old daughter went into CHEO for major abdominal surgery. Just before she was born the doctors found a lump in her abdomen, that has since been diagnosed as a "Teratoma" - which is the most common form of cancer found in infants. I hope that the lump is still precancerous, and it has not started to press into other parts of her abdomen. If its free and clear of her abdominal organs, it should be a fairly routine procedure, much like my gall bladder surgery last year.
Two days ago a coworker of mine, who's due to have a baby on Saturday, went to the doctor for her last prenatal checkup. They found her blood pressure elevated again, and proceeded to give her an ultrasound. They found the baby to be really small (5th percentile) and referred her to see a specialist within a few days. We've not heard from her since, and we're worried.
Yesterday my husband and I got into a big fight, and it got REALLY ugly. It got so ugly that about an hour later, for several hours on, he was cold and calculating in his demeanor, as he calmly told me he wanted a divorce and I'd given him no choice. This went on the whole day, him telling me that he wanted a divorce, yet refusing to come home and talk to me about it. I was so upset I left work, went home, threw up, cried all day long, and wondered what was going to happen. I stayed in a hotel last night.
As previously mentioned:
Things that matter:
Health and happiness.
I spent so much time last year struggling against the tide with regards to my health. Now that I've got that back, now I'm struggling with the happiness factor.
Do all couples get this crazy? Why are relationships so hard? So competitive? So scary?
- Careers
- Money
- An expensive car
- A stylish, expensive house
Things that do really matter:
- The health of your family
- Happiness and harmony at home
- Your health
- Having food to eat
This morning my friend's 2 month old daughter went into CHEO for major abdominal surgery. Just before she was born the doctors found a lump in her abdomen, that has since been diagnosed as a "Teratoma" - which is the most common form of cancer found in infants. I hope that the lump is still precancerous, and it has not started to press into other parts of her abdomen. If its free and clear of her abdominal organs, it should be a fairly routine procedure, much like my gall bladder surgery last year.
Two days ago a coworker of mine, who's due to have a baby on Saturday, went to the doctor for her last prenatal checkup. They found her blood pressure elevated again, and proceeded to give her an ultrasound. They found the baby to be really small (5th percentile) and referred her to see a specialist within a few days. We've not heard from her since, and we're worried.
Yesterday my husband and I got into a big fight, and it got REALLY ugly. It got so ugly that about an hour later, for several hours on, he was cold and calculating in his demeanor, as he calmly told me he wanted a divorce and I'd given him no choice. This went on the whole day, him telling me that he wanted a divorce, yet refusing to come home and talk to me about it. I was so upset I left work, went home, threw up, cried all day long, and wondered what was going to happen. I stayed in a hotel last night.
As previously mentioned:
Things that matter:
Health and happiness.
I spent so much time last year struggling against the tide with regards to my health. Now that I've got that back, now I'm struggling with the happiness factor.
Do all couples get this crazy? Why are relationships so hard? So competitive? So scary?
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