Lately I've been thinking a lot more about my Dad. Some times of the year are easier than others to handle. Right now its the 1 year anniversary of my surgery. It was a highly emotional time for me and it made me think a lot more about my dad, as he had the same surgery several years earlier.
This time last year I was still a stay at home mom, recovering from PPD, grieving like crazy, and battling a lot of really difficult physical illnesses. It was awful. It was hard to get through the day sometimes. I cried all the time.
There was a song that came out last year by James Blunt and it was about him losing his girlfriend. I cry like a baby every time I hear it because I imagine my mom saying this to my dad.
I've adapted it for my own purposes. Again, sorry James for ripping and modifying this. All in the name of healing I guess.
*********
Goodbye my Father
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
I knew I'd see your end, but before I'd begun?
For so long we were blinded, and nobody won.
I took what's mine by eternal right.
You took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am still here for you, please send your care.
You formed my heart you formed my soul
You made my life, shaped all my goals.
Loving you was blind, and I knew then,
My heart was blinded by you.
Goodbye my father.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
I know it's Abby's dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've even watched you sleeping for a while.
You were my father, I'm your child.
I spent my lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts, we were never fine,
But I love you, I swear that's true.
I don't think I can live without you.
Goodbye my father,
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, daddy, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
What will never be lives in my dreams
Last night I had a powerful dream. I woke up at 4am and couldnt get back to sleep, so I went upstairs for some juice and toast. Upon returning to bed, I fell asleep and had the most amazing movie-dream.
The dream involved reconnecting with an old friend. Someone I've not seen in a decade. Someone I wish I could talk to again. But I can't, because he's gone forever.
The first death of someone I knew well happened in 1998. It was a tragic flying accident. Footage of the crash and my friend being wheeled from the scene on a stretcher were splashed across the CBC news network for days. I knew exactly who it was by his floppy blonde hair on the footage.
Witnessing that news was horrific. It severely affected me psychologically for about six months to a year.
My friend was killed as a result of a midair collision of a plane he was flying. I had learned to fly with him on the Air Cadet gliding program we wound up on together. We spent a lot of time sitting on the side of runways and talking, chasing gliders up and down the 10,000 foot runway, and cutting up in ground school class.
I reconnected with him in 1987 in North Bay for our Power flying scholarship program. Both of us did very well, in fact, we both were candidates for "best pilot". I got a Christmas card from my friend the following year, but that was about the last contact I had with him until about 1995 or 1996, when he called me out of the blue at my desk at work. He had seen a posting I'd made on an air cadet website and called my parents house, then got my work number, and called me. I guess the weather was bad and he was not flying that day, and was kind of bored. So he called.
He was really eager to fly out to Ottawa, to take me out to dinner, it was all kind of strange. To hear his adult voice was strange. We last talked in our teens. To think that we'd not seen each other in about a decade, and here he was calling me out of the blue. I declined his request for dinner, but in hindsight, knowing he'd be dead a few years later, I wish I'd gone. I was going out with someone seriously at that time in my life and the concept of going out to dinner with another guy, even if a friend, was kind of, well, uncomfortable for me. Also due to health issues I'd gained some weight and was not impressed with my looks. I was not in a happy point in my life and I really didnt want anyone I knew from the past to see me. Rotten excuse, I know.
As my friend was stationed out west, we resumed our friendship through frequent emails. In addition to talking about flying, we spent a lot of time talking about relationships, finding love and how hard it was for him to find it out in a male-dominated military base. He was feeling really odd as he was the only single guy left that he knew, and he REALLY wanted to settle down.
Shortly therafter, I'd seen the news that he'd been accepted to the Snowbirds to fly as their Inner Right Wing - #2 - for the next two years. It was really neat to talk to him as an "insider" as a member of one of Canada's most prestigious icons. He also told me that he'd met a woman that he was ecstatic about, and I was SO happy for him. He seemed so overjoyed at the positive turn in his personal life.
We didnt talk much throughout the 1997-1998 season, as travelling with the team was a big time commitment. I got the odd email though.
The last time we "talked" - I got an email saying that he had a whole four days off between seasons, he was going on a cruise with his girlfriend and something big was going to happen.
I found out through the news reports of his accident that he was engaged. I guess that was the big news. I was devastated for his friends and family, and especially for his fiancee. Having just been proposed to and married several years ago, I can't imagine the emotional roller coaster she had to experience.
******
My dream last night involved "what might have been" - years before my friend met his girlfriend, when he was calling me, wanting to come and see me. What did he want? Did he just want to catch up, or was he interested in seeing if I was "available"? Was he interested in a relationship? Would it have led to something serious? If he had pursued me, would I have been interested, and left the person that I was involved with?
Would I have left Ontario and joined him in Saskatchewan? And would I have been the one on national television bravely holding back tears as I held his officer's hat and walked behind his coffin as his bereaved fiancee or widow?
The dream last night was about that possibility. And throughout the dream, things seemed perfect. As the relationship was building, however, every time we went out somewhere, we started seeing planes falling out of the sky. At one point in the dream I turned to him and said "what happened to you"? "Didn't you die"? "How is it that you are even here"?
I dont understand why this dream. Why now?
Maybe the weather - its just like the time of the year when he died (December). Maybe its the heartwrenching discussions I've had with my husband lately about our relationship. Maybe its my subconscious thinking reminding me that despite the pain I've been through with my own choices and own life paths, there could have been serious heartache somewhere else. Maybe its because of my dinnertime breakdown yesterday remembering my dad who was also a pilot and so much a part of my Air Cadet aviation experience.
Who knows. All I know is that I just feel like I want to cry, and keep on crying.
"Boog man" - I miss you. Enough time has now passed that a lot of things have happened since you left. Next year it will be a whole decade since you were taken from this earth. I wish we could get together, talk about the old, fun times, and do some hangar talkin'.
I thought for sure we'd be friends until we were old farts, too old to see let alone even fly. I thought we'd exchange photos of our weddings, our kids and our retirements. I thought someday I'd reconnect with you and you could take me flying, as I've had to put my aviation pursuits on the backburner for a long time now due to health issues. I thought you'd pop up in my life from time to time to remind me of a time in my life when everything was wonderful, everything was perfect.
But none of this was meant to be.
So all I can do now is thank you for the advice to be happy. To find something that makes me smile. To never forget the person that I was when I was younger. To strive to be happy, and to not forget the challenges that I readily accepted, took on, and conquered with passion and flair.
Thanks for reminding me that passionate girl is still alive inside.
The dream involved reconnecting with an old friend. Someone I've not seen in a decade. Someone I wish I could talk to again. But I can't, because he's gone forever.
The first death of someone I knew well happened in 1998. It was a tragic flying accident. Footage of the crash and my friend being wheeled from the scene on a stretcher were splashed across the CBC news network for days. I knew exactly who it was by his floppy blonde hair on the footage.
Witnessing that news was horrific. It severely affected me psychologically for about six months to a year.
My friend was killed as a result of a midair collision of a plane he was flying. I had learned to fly with him on the Air Cadet gliding program we wound up on together. We spent a lot of time sitting on the side of runways and talking, chasing gliders up and down the 10,000 foot runway, and cutting up in ground school class.
I reconnected with him in 1987 in North Bay for our Power flying scholarship program. Both of us did very well, in fact, we both were candidates for "best pilot". I got a Christmas card from my friend the following year, but that was about the last contact I had with him until about 1995 or 1996, when he called me out of the blue at my desk at work. He had seen a posting I'd made on an air cadet website and called my parents house, then got my work number, and called me. I guess the weather was bad and he was not flying that day, and was kind of bored. So he called.
He was really eager to fly out to Ottawa, to take me out to dinner, it was all kind of strange. To hear his adult voice was strange. We last talked in our teens. To think that we'd not seen each other in about a decade, and here he was calling me out of the blue. I declined his request for dinner, but in hindsight, knowing he'd be dead a few years later, I wish I'd gone. I was going out with someone seriously at that time in my life and the concept of going out to dinner with another guy, even if a friend, was kind of, well, uncomfortable for me. Also due to health issues I'd gained some weight and was not impressed with my looks. I was not in a happy point in my life and I really didnt want anyone I knew from the past to see me. Rotten excuse, I know.
As my friend was stationed out west, we resumed our friendship through frequent emails. In addition to talking about flying, we spent a lot of time talking about relationships, finding love and how hard it was for him to find it out in a male-dominated military base. He was feeling really odd as he was the only single guy left that he knew, and he REALLY wanted to settle down.
Shortly therafter, I'd seen the news that he'd been accepted to the Snowbirds to fly as their Inner Right Wing - #2 - for the next two years. It was really neat to talk to him as an "insider" as a member of one of Canada's most prestigious icons. He also told me that he'd met a woman that he was ecstatic about, and I was SO happy for him. He seemed so overjoyed at the positive turn in his personal life.
We didnt talk much throughout the 1997-1998 season, as travelling with the team was a big time commitment. I got the odd email though.
The last time we "talked" - I got an email saying that he had a whole four days off between seasons, he was going on a cruise with his girlfriend and something big was going to happen.
I found out through the news reports of his accident that he was engaged. I guess that was the big news. I was devastated for his friends and family, and especially for his fiancee. Having just been proposed to and married several years ago, I can't imagine the emotional roller coaster she had to experience.
******
My dream last night involved "what might have been" - years before my friend met his girlfriend, when he was calling me, wanting to come and see me. What did he want? Did he just want to catch up, or was he interested in seeing if I was "available"? Was he interested in a relationship? Would it have led to something serious? If he had pursued me, would I have been interested, and left the person that I was involved with?
Would I have left Ontario and joined him in Saskatchewan? And would I have been the one on national television bravely holding back tears as I held his officer's hat and walked behind his coffin as his bereaved fiancee or widow?
The dream last night was about that possibility. And throughout the dream, things seemed perfect. As the relationship was building, however, every time we went out somewhere, we started seeing planes falling out of the sky. At one point in the dream I turned to him and said "what happened to you"? "Didn't you die"? "How is it that you are even here"?
I dont understand why this dream. Why now?
Maybe the weather - its just like the time of the year when he died (December). Maybe its the heartwrenching discussions I've had with my husband lately about our relationship. Maybe its my subconscious thinking reminding me that despite the pain I've been through with my own choices and own life paths, there could have been serious heartache somewhere else. Maybe its because of my dinnertime breakdown yesterday remembering my dad who was also a pilot and so much a part of my Air Cadet aviation experience.
Who knows. All I know is that I just feel like I want to cry, and keep on crying.
"Boog man" - I miss you. Enough time has now passed that a lot of things have happened since you left. Next year it will be a whole decade since you were taken from this earth. I wish we could get together, talk about the old, fun times, and do some hangar talkin'.
I thought for sure we'd be friends until we were old farts, too old to see let alone even fly. I thought we'd exchange photos of our weddings, our kids and our retirements. I thought someday I'd reconnect with you and you could take me flying, as I've had to put my aviation pursuits on the backburner for a long time now due to health issues. I thought you'd pop up in my life from time to time to remind me of a time in my life when everything was wonderful, everything was perfect.
But none of this was meant to be.
So all I can do now is thank you for the advice to be happy. To find something that makes me smile. To never forget the person that I was when I was younger. To strive to be happy, and to not forget the challenges that I readily accepted, took on, and conquered with passion and flair.
Thanks for reminding me that passionate girl is still alive inside.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Moving forward
Its been awhile since I posted on here. Maybe thats a good thing, considering the topic of this website - recovery from PPD and extreme grief.
Maybe its a bad thing, because I still need to journal my experiences, but I'm super busy, and have been super-sick for awhile (cold after cold!)
Things are starting to feel a bit more normal in my stressed-out ol' body. Good thing as I move towards my 37th birthday on Thursday. I'm down to half of my antidepressants - I'm finally starting to sleep a lot better, less sleep medication as I've always found that antidepressants give me insomnia (go figure - one of my major depressive symptoms is also insomnia!).
I'm doing this reduction in medication against medical advice, which makes me nervous. But despite my doctors' advice, I'm the expert on my own body, and have to admit that I do feel better physically with this reduction in meds. I can sleep better, I feel a lot less jittery. But I do notice that my emotions are sticking around a bit longer - good ones and bad ones. And I feel my embarassment, my anger, my fear, a lot more strongly.
I've got to be mindful of normal reactions to things - that its OK to just "move on" to the next thing and not spend too much time beating myself up over stupid things. That its NOT okay to vent at anyone despite my strong feelings about anything. That being stuck on any one thing, and ruminating, and over-thinking is NOT normal behaviour. It wont help me get any more resolution on a particular issue, and probably will just wear me out.
My H was really good last night, allowing me to sit and think about my feelings about something really difficult in our relationship. Its hard to open up to him, to be really honest with him and myself about things. I'm not used to it. I tried for years with my dad and with other previous partners - to tell them the difficult things, to tell them how I felt, but none of them really cared. Or maybe they couldnt get out of their own issues long enough to really listen. But C is really making an effort to help in this regard, and for that I'm grateful.
Maybe we've really come a long way, a lot longer than I really have given us credit for.
P
Maybe its a bad thing, because I still need to journal my experiences, but I'm super busy, and have been super-sick for awhile (cold after cold!)
Things are starting to feel a bit more normal in my stressed-out ol' body. Good thing as I move towards my 37th birthday on Thursday. I'm down to half of my antidepressants - I'm finally starting to sleep a lot better, less sleep medication as I've always found that antidepressants give me insomnia (go figure - one of my major depressive symptoms is also insomnia!).
I'm doing this reduction in medication against medical advice, which makes me nervous. But despite my doctors' advice, I'm the expert on my own body, and have to admit that I do feel better physically with this reduction in meds. I can sleep better, I feel a lot less jittery. But I do notice that my emotions are sticking around a bit longer - good ones and bad ones. And I feel my embarassment, my anger, my fear, a lot more strongly.
I've got to be mindful of normal reactions to things - that its OK to just "move on" to the next thing and not spend too much time beating myself up over stupid things. That its NOT okay to vent at anyone despite my strong feelings about anything. That being stuck on any one thing, and ruminating, and over-thinking is NOT normal behaviour. It wont help me get any more resolution on a particular issue, and probably will just wear me out.
My H was really good last night, allowing me to sit and think about my feelings about something really difficult in our relationship. Its hard to open up to him, to be really honest with him and myself about things. I'm not used to it. I tried for years with my dad and with other previous partners - to tell them the difficult things, to tell them how I felt, but none of them really cared. Or maybe they couldnt get out of their own issues long enough to really listen. But C is really making an effort to help in this regard, and for that I'm grateful.
Maybe we've really come a long way, a lot longer than I really have given us credit for.
P
Monday, January 08, 2007
She doesn't know him
My daughter is moving into the "word explosion" phase of her development (or so the experts say). Its obvious that her brain development is now allowing her to put thoughts together, to understand the passage of time (today, tomorrow, yesterday). She's also really good at understanding who's important in her life and that certain people are not there.
Abigail frequently runs through her list of "people" when she's with some of us, or at daycare (so I've been told). Her list goes "Mum", "Dad", "Naynay" (her name for my mom) and "Kiss" (her name for my brother Chris). But she never says "Wobah" (the name she invented for my dad just before he died).
At my mom's house on the weekend, there's a photo of my dad at my wedding perched on his old dresser. Abby loves to look at photos around my mom's house, rhyming off her people "Mom, Dad, NayNay, Kiss"... but when she got to a photo of my dad, she just looked at it. After awhile she went "Kiss" because my brother looks an awful lot like my dad. But we had to tell her that it was "Wobah" - her grandfather, who has left this earth to live with Jesus.
Its so strange that a man who dominated my life from my birth until last year will not be a known entity to my daughter. That we'll only have stories to tell her about and she'll not be able to experience the real thing.
My relationship with my dad required careful management, and it was a source of pain and frustration on many an occasion. I don't know how it would have affected my relationship with my daughter. I guess I dont have to figure that out now.
Everything in my life is now so different. I'm in totally uncharted territory. Having a relationship with someone such as my dad who was so dominant has really left me with shaky legs, not totally confident in my own judgement and my own abilities. I really grew up not totally trusting myself, as he often dove in to "DO" things for us. I'm sure his intentions were noble, but it often didnt leave the rest of us in the family feeilng overly confident. Abigail's birth and his death has really sent me for a loop in that department, challenging my abilities, my confidence.
Why have I always been like that - when I look at the things I've done in my life I've not only usually succeeded, I've exceeded many expectations, and done amazingly well. But I always think I could be better, do more, that I'm not good enough. And that has robbed a lot of joy out of things, out of accomplishments, out of every day life. And that's a shame, becuase I've been given a lot of blessings. I really need to make a point to enjoy them a lot more.
Abigail frequently runs through her list of "people" when she's with some of us, or at daycare (so I've been told). Her list goes "Mum", "Dad", "Naynay" (her name for my mom) and "Kiss" (her name for my brother Chris). But she never says "Wobah" (the name she invented for my dad just before he died).
At my mom's house on the weekend, there's a photo of my dad at my wedding perched on his old dresser. Abby loves to look at photos around my mom's house, rhyming off her people "Mom, Dad, NayNay, Kiss"... but when she got to a photo of my dad, she just looked at it. After awhile she went "Kiss" because my brother looks an awful lot like my dad. But we had to tell her that it was "Wobah" - her grandfather, who has left this earth to live with Jesus.
Its so strange that a man who dominated my life from my birth until last year will not be a known entity to my daughter. That we'll only have stories to tell her about and she'll not be able to experience the real thing.
My relationship with my dad required careful management, and it was a source of pain and frustration on many an occasion. I don't know how it would have affected my relationship with my daughter. I guess I dont have to figure that out now.
Everything in my life is now so different. I'm in totally uncharted territory. Having a relationship with someone such as my dad who was so dominant has really left me with shaky legs, not totally confident in my own judgement and my own abilities. I really grew up not totally trusting myself, as he often dove in to "DO" things for us. I'm sure his intentions were noble, but it often didnt leave the rest of us in the family feeilng overly confident. Abigail's birth and his death has really sent me for a loop in that department, challenging my abilities, my confidence.
Why have I always been like that - when I look at the things I've done in my life I've not only usually succeeded, I've exceeded many expectations, and done amazingly well. But I always think I could be better, do more, that I'm not good enough. And that has robbed a lot of joy out of things, out of accomplishments, out of every day life. And that's a shame, becuase I've been given a lot of blessings. I really need to make a point to enjoy them a lot more.
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