my relationship with the BIG GUY

Yes.. GOD, the Big Guy, Yahweh, Great Spirit, Jehovah, or whatever you want to call him. My relationship with him is suffering today.

I am struggling so badly during this "trying to conceive baby #2" period in my life, I found myself cursing God out this morning. And badly. I was awful. I called HIM every name in the book. I probably deserve a lightning strike to the head for that.

Whether or not baby #2 comes along is largely in HIS hands, and I'm not happy with that. I wish he'd give up some control to me, or deliver the answer to my prayers (which I THINK is another baby). but you never know. Sometimes God has other plans that are better for you than what you'd arrange for yourself. But little old non-trusting me, I dont trust that my best interests are in God's hands. I dont know why trust is so hard for me, but it is.

Maybe becuase there have been too many "acts of God" that have been painful for me lately. Especially the surprise death of my dad. Only God calls us home, decides when its time to stop being alive and to come home to HIM. Yes, I have tried to look at my dad's sudden death in this way, and try to be happy for my dad, but what about us? God took my dad home, which has been so painful for those of us who are left. If it's a God decision, why the hell is it so hard for us who are left to grieve? Why can't God make it easier for us to accept His will? Why is it so painful sometimes? And on that note, I'm struggling with that. Struggling to accept that God's will is always in our best interest.

Back to the wondering when/if we'll have another baby. I *know* I should take the lessons that I've learned in all my religious and spiritual education and be HAPPY with what I have (job, house, car, one child, husband, friends, etc) and not angry about what I don't. And I should stop comparing myself to others, becuase I can always find a reason to feel inadequate.

But today I just can't.

I'm in another insomnia phase which is probably not helping. I'm trying to track my insomnia phases, and have noticed the following trends:

I can't sleep when the following is going on:

Early in the week - feeling like I have so much on my plate and I'm overwhelmed with the whole week to come.

Mid-cycle - who knows why - hormones?

Full moon - this one stumps me. I rarely sleep well for the 3-4 days approaching the full moon, and then the next day, BAM a good night of sleep for a day or two.

Pre-and-post "auntie flo" - hormones again?

Pre-vacation, holiday and travel - disruption in my "routine" (such as it is for an insomniac!)

Too much on my plate - trying to remember everything I need to get done around the house and also at work. All the little thoughts keep dancing in my head, causing anxiety.

God please just give me some peace on all of this. Please.