Or so I hear.... apparently her oxygen-induced-brain-damage is not as bad as originally thought. They think she just might make it. Still keep your fingers crossed.
On vacation for 2 weeks.. probably won't post much. On an up note - I"m sleeping! On vacation & sleeping... coincidence?
I think not.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Light a candle for a little one...
I heard some bad news about an acquaintance today. The caregiver for the toddler of a good friend of mine had a c-section at 30 weeks pregnancy. The baby had blocked kidneys, resulting in very low amniotic fluid. The low fluid caused compression of the umbilical cord, restricting the oxygen supply to the infant.
The baby apparently has significant brain damage and cannot function off life support. The family may decide in a few days to take the baby off life support. The baby will probably not make it.
********
I know these are things that affect someone else, but ever since I've become a mother, it's like I've become the mother to the whole wide world. Things that affect moms, children and babies can bring me to tears quicker than anything, especially if they affect someone I know, or have even met.
So anyone who reads this, light a candle for the soul of this little one, and for his mom's broken heart.
The baby apparently has significant brain damage and cannot function off life support. The family may decide in a few days to take the baby off life support. The baby will probably not make it.
********
I know these are things that affect someone else, but ever since I've become a mother, it's like I've become the mother to the whole wide world. Things that affect moms, children and babies can bring me to tears quicker than anything, especially if they affect someone I know, or have even met.
So anyone who reads this, light a candle for the soul of this little one, and for his mom's broken heart.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Still searching.. and exhausted
Ok, that one night of good sleep was just that - one night.
Ironically, it came the night I found out that one place that I was hoping to go work no longer had any openings.
I am definitely torn right now.
My H and I want another baby, and being five months from turning 38, we dont have the luxury of time to wait until things are "right" in our lives. We'd like to try and time it so that the baby is again born in June - so my mom will be available to come up and help. This means pregnancy in August or September.
Pretty soon!
Seeing as I'm the one with the uterus, it will definitely be me that will have to take one for the team with respect to morning sickness, exhaustion, and "the pregnancy stupids" while still trying to maintain some semblance of professionalism. It was really really difficult last time.
But for the sake of my mental health, I also really need to find a new job. I'm not looking forward to the possibility of being pregnant and learning a new job at the same time. Its hard to impress a new employer while you are scarfing down crackers all day long and trying to avoid wharfing on the boardroom table during a staff meeting or a senior management briefing session.
Also, mat leave in this country generally means 12 months away from the office. While that sounds great, having this happen shortly after going to a new team does not sit well with me. The last time I was on mat leave I left a group and a file I really really liked. I got reassigned upon return from leave to a file I hated, and subsequently, that file got transferred to a group in which I definitely don't belong. I'm still trying to figure out a way out of this mess.
This transfer has affected a lot of things about my career, and my self esteem with respect to work - and not in a good way. I don't want to have that happen again. I want to find a file I really like and stay there for a few years.
But all bets are off if you go away on leave.
It would be easier to go on mat leave from the current job I have - I would not have a learning curve to address while trying not to puke on my computer or my coworkers. I also would not have any guilt about going on leave.
I'm so torn, and I sit up at night trying to wrestle this issue through.
My friends say to me "don't look for trouble" - meaning that things may all work out for the best, or that I'll be able to manage my way through, no matter what happens. But with the unbearable events of the last pregnancy phase of my life still fresh in my mind (health problems, difficult delivery, postpartum depression, surgery, losing my dad, losing my position at work and being transferred) its hard not to worry.
I suppose I should keep reminding myself that this time may not be the same as last time, and I should take it as it comes. Life does not always present itself in nice, neat and orderly packages.
Ironically, it came the night I found out that one place that I was hoping to go work no longer had any openings.
I am definitely torn right now.
My H and I want another baby, and being five months from turning 38, we dont have the luxury of time to wait until things are "right" in our lives. We'd like to try and time it so that the baby is again born in June - so my mom will be available to come up and help. This means pregnancy in August or September.
Pretty soon!
Seeing as I'm the one with the uterus, it will definitely be me that will have to take one for the team with respect to morning sickness, exhaustion, and "the pregnancy stupids" while still trying to maintain some semblance of professionalism. It was really really difficult last time.
But for the sake of my mental health, I also really need to find a new job. I'm not looking forward to the possibility of being pregnant and learning a new job at the same time. Its hard to impress a new employer while you are scarfing down crackers all day long and trying to avoid wharfing on the boardroom table during a staff meeting or a senior management briefing session.
Also, mat leave in this country generally means 12 months away from the office. While that sounds great, having this happen shortly after going to a new team does not sit well with me. The last time I was on mat leave I left a group and a file I really really liked. I got reassigned upon return from leave to a file I hated, and subsequently, that file got transferred to a group in which I definitely don't belong. I'm still trying to figure out a way out of this mess.
This transfer has affected a lot of things about my career, and my self esteem with respect to work - and not in a good way. I don't want to have that happen again. I want to find a file I really like and stay there for a few years.
But all bets are off if you go away on leave.
It would be easier to go on mat leave from the current job I have - I would not have a learning curve to address while trying not to puke on my computer or my coworkers. I also would not have any guilt about going on leave.
I'm so torn, and I sit up at night trying to wrestle this issue through.
My friends say to me "don't look for trouble" - meaning that things may all work out for the best, or that I'll be able to manage my way through, no matter what happens. But with the unbearable events of the last pregnancy phase of my life still fresh in my mind (health problems, difficult delivery, postpartum depression, surgery, losing my dad, losing my position at work and being transferred) its hard not to worry.
I suppose I should keep reminding myself that this time may not be the same as last time, and I should take it as it comes. Life does not always present itself in nice, neat and orderly packages.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Sleep at last.. and then some gas...
I swear I must release something the moment I start writing on this place. I managed 7 hours of uninterrupted zzzz's last night. From 9:30 am until 34:30 am. I woke up pretty early but I'm fairly rested. Amazing.
Job hunt is still frustrating, a place that I had hoped would come through just called me at the end of yesterday to tell me they had no positions after all. Summer is a bad time to look for work, that's for sure.
What's most disturbing about my work these days is the semi-regular instances of "gaslighting" that have been happening. A few months ago my position and my file (as well as a few others) were transferred from one branch of our department to another. The rationale behind the move was not well planned or thought out, despite the "powers that be" believing otherwise. There was no discussion on the move before it happened, and a lot of misconceptions about our work and our role. Since that time, its been a frustrating experience not only trying to deal with the staffing freezes, but also to establish/re-establish our purpose. I inherited the acting manager's position along with the transfer, which was also a new experience for me. I inherited a big mess that's for sure.
Because of the misconceptions and misperceptions, and a history of just not sitting down and talking things through face to face, there's been a LOT of friction within our new branch and between the old one and the new one. Whether certain people have realized they have made mistakes, or maybe due to their own insecurity, or their own lack of knowledge and unwillingness to sit down and learn, there has been a lot of "gaslighting" going on after the fact.
I used to be a very confident person at work. My old work unit (from2002-2005) gave me a lot of autonomy, a lot of empowerment, and they really listened to me. They took my advice, told me when they were able to use it, and if something came up that was not going to be easy to handle, they talked to me like an adult about it. Things have been very different since coming back from mat leave.
Now about the gaslighting. What is it you may ask? Why am I starting to doubt myself? Why do I feel like I'm going crazy? Well here's the definition of gaslighting:
From Wikipedia:
A variation of gaslighting, used as a form of harassment, is to subtly alter aspects of a victim's environment, thereby upsetting his or her peace of mind, sense of security, etc., such as was used by the Manson Family during their "creepy crawler" burglaries during which nothing was stolen, but furniture in the house was rearranged.
The term was coined from the 1940 film Gaslight and its 1944 remake in which changes in gas light levels are experienced several times by the main character. The classic example in the film is the character Gregory using the gas lamps in the attic, causing the rest of the lamps in the house to dim slightly; when Paula comments on the lights' dimming, she is told she is imagining things. Paula believes herself alone in the house when the dimming occurs, unaware that Gregory has entered the attic from the house next door, and is searching for jewels he believes to be hidden there. The sinister interpretation of the change in light levels is part of a larger pattern of deception to which the character Paula is subjected.
I'd like to believe that all the stupidity that's happening right now is just that. Stupidity. And that there's no sinister "conspiracy theory" in place. But of course, I start to worry. In the past few months I've been criticized and blamed for a LOT of things. Somehow, so many things all wind up as MY fault. Misconceptions, poor decisions, they all have an element of "Blame Patty" in it. And I'm sick of it. I've done nothing wrong, except be at the wrong place at the wrong time.. oh and not document everything to the exact letter to cover my butt.
The way things seem to happen in my line of work these days, executives are all powerful and all knowing, and those of us who don't have that "authority" are ignored. We don't have any opportunity air grievances, to right wrongs, to set the record straight, to protect our reputations. And it's happened too much lately for me to feel totally comfortable in where I am.
Another reason to seek a change, or at least to be a moving target for awhile.
Job hunt is still frustrating, a place that I had hoped would come through just called me at the end of yesterday to tell me they had no positions after all. Summer is a bad time to look for work, that's for sure.
What's most disturbing about my work these days is the semi-regular instances of "gaslighting" that have been happening. A few months ago my position and my file (as well as a few others) were transferred from one branch of our department to another. The rationale behind the move was not well planned or thought out, despite the "powers that be" believing otherwise. There was no discussion on the move before it happened, and a lot of misconceptions about our work and our role. Since that time, its been a frustrating experience not only trying to deal with the staffing freezes, but also to establish/re-establish our purpose. I inherited the acting manager's position along with the transfer, which was also a new experience for me. I inherited a big mess that's for sure.
Because of the misconceptions and misperceptions, and a history of just not sitting down and talking things through face to face, there's been a LOT of friction within our new branch and between the old one and the new one. Whether certain people have realized they have made mistakes, or maybe due to their own insecurity, or their own lack of knowledge and unwillingness to sit down and learn, there has been a lot of "gaslighting" going on after the fact.
I used to be a very confident person at work. My old work unit (from2002-2005) gave me a lot of autonomy, a lot of empowerment, and they really listened to me. They took my advice, told me when they were able to use it, and if something came up that was not going to be easy to handle, they talked to me like an adult about it. Things have been very different since coming back from mat leave.
Now about the gaslighting. What is it you may ask? Why am I starting to doubt myself? Why do I feel like I'm going crazy? Well here's the definition of gaslighting:
From Wikipedia:
What's gaslighting? Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It uses persistent denials of fact which, as they build up over time, make the victim progressively anxious, confused, and unable to trust his or her own memory and perception.
A variation of gaslighting, used as a form of harassment, is to subtly alter aspects of a victim's environment, thereby upsetting his or her peace of mind, sense of security, etc., such as was used by the Manson Family during their "creepy crawler" burglaries during which nothing was stolen, but furniture in the house was rearranged.
The term was coined from the 1940 film Gaslight and its 1944 remake in which changes in gas light levels are experienced several times by the main character. The classic example in the film is the character Gregory using the gas lamps in the attic, causing the rest of the lamps in the house to dim slightly; when Paula comments on the lights' dimming, she is told she is imagining things. Paula believes herself alone in the house when the dimming occurs, unaware that Gregory has entered the attic from the house next door, and is searching for jewels he believes to be hidden there. The sinister interpretation of the change in light levels is part of a larger pattern of deception to which the character Paula is subjected.
I'd like to believe that all the stupidity that's happening right now is just that. Stupidity. And that there's no sinister "conspiracy theory" in place. But of course, I start to worry. In the past few months I've been criticized and blamed for a LOT of things. Somehow, so many things all wind up as MY fault. Misconceptions, poor decisions, they all have an element of "Blame Patty" in it. And I'm sick of it. I've done nothing wrong, except be at the wrong place at the wrong time.. oh and not document everything to the exact letter to cover my butt.
The way things seem to happen in my line of work these days, executives are all powerful and all knowing, and those of us who don't have that "authority" are ignored. We don't have any opportunity air grievances, to right wrongs, to set the record straight, to protect our reputations. And it's happened too much lately for me to feel totally comfortable in where I am.
Another reason to seek a change, or at least to be a moving target for awhile.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Title: Sleep is a bastard (I cant post the title on my blog today for some reason)
I've been in an insomniac phase for a week now. I hate this.
I've got so much on my mind, it just races and races. Hours after trying to get to sleep I'm crumpled in a crying, sobbing, frustrated heap on my mattress. I sleep for maybe, at best, two hours and then I'm up again. Other times I fall "asleep" but when the morning comes, I dont feel like I slept at all, my sleep is so shallow and broken.
I'm so tired right now I can't sit up straight. It takes too much energy. The pain of slouching is killing me. My back hurts so much I think I'm going to die. Typing at the keyboard is strenuous. And walking down the hall? Forget it. I'm trying my best to avoid people so I dont forget what I was saying or burst into crying mid-conversation.
My dad was a serious insomniac. I must have inherited it from him. I've not slept well since I was about 18. I am prone to periodic bouts of poor sleep during times of stress. But for the past 20 years my life has been one chronic "period of stress".
Right now I know I need to find a new job. The current situation I'm in is not suiting me well. I got transferred to a file and now a position I didn't choose after I returned from Maternity leave last year. I certainly would never have applied to this place/position. It's not a good fit, and I I have to go. In addition to the "not the best fit", I've spent 90% of my time this past year working on HR plans and trying to hire people only to have the doors continually slammed in my face. As a result, not much gets done, and my job satisfaction and enthusiasm is completely sapped. I have to get out of here before I become completely cynical and unproductive.
Due to a variety of decisions-beyond-my-control, as of early August I will be completely without staff, but will still be responsible for at least 3-4 workloads. I dont have any extra time or energy to spend on working overtime - I have a young child to care for who doesn't really care that "Mommy had a last minute policy development meeting and left me at the babysitter until 7pm". Even if I COULD work overtime, my daughter only has ONE childhood and I'll be damned if I miss too much of it because of stupid HR decisions beyond-my-control.
I have to get the hell out of here before or shortly after I'm completely de-staffed. I've been calling people, sending CV's, etc. A few nibbles, but so far nothing firm. It's summer, not much happens in any workplace. So I'm sitting on pins and needles, wondering what is going to happen, petrified and helpless. In so many ways I feel like the proverbial woman tied to the train track with the locomotive bearing down on me. Its now 100 m away and the ropes are not budging.
I've also *really* had it with run ins with people in positions of authority who are arrogant, cynical, angry, aggressive liars and manipulators who ignore those of us who are "lesser beings". What's amazing is those that exhibit the worst traits keep on getting promoted. I must be too good at being a human being to get promoted.
My husband and I are not getting along right now. What possesses him to stay up until 3 am every night playing online poker or watching TV instead of spending time with me and coming to bed and getting sleep is beyond me. It's driving me mad. We have so many positive and productive things that we could be doing but NOOOO! I can't stand it anymore. I hope something breaks on that scene, and soon.
I also want another baby, but I'm terrified. I'd love to wait until all this life "turmoil" dies down but we dont have the luxury of time. Every year that passes by after age 35 marks a significant jump in the risk of genetic problems and a significant reduction in fertility. I wish I didnt have this biological gun to my head. I'm under enough stress as it is. I don't want to be starting a new job and pregnant, it will be difficult, let alone the guilt I'll have when I have to explain to my new employers "thanks for the training period but I'll be taking a year off now". Pregnancy and maternity leave is really not good for your career. I'm grateful that we have a 1 year mat leave policy here in Canada but it really is not good for one's career development. I hate the fact that I'm the one who's the major bread winner and also the one who owns the uterus.
And I wonder why I'm not sleeping.
******
A disclaimer - I'm sure this post will elicit a lot of advice from well meaning people. But believe me, I've been in treatment for insomnia for two decades now. I've taken enough medication to choke a horse. I've removed caffeine from my diet. I refuse to watch upsetting or emotionally wrenching TV or movies. I've drastically cut down on junk foods and sugary foods. I've tried to balance my life. I exercise almost daily. I try to do a few yoga moves daily and go to a regular class 2x per month. I've consulted with literally hundreds of professionals: psychotherapists, massage therapists, social workers, psychiatric nurses, psychiatrists, hypnotherapists, physiotherapists, acupuncturists, nutritionists, doctors, self help groups, group therapy, couples' therapy, books, you name it, I've tried it.
And I'm still not sleeping.
So please don't feel offended if I don't take your advice!
I've been in an insomniac phase for a week now. I hate this.
I've got so much on my mind, it just races and races. Hours after trying to get to sleep I'm crumpled in a crying, sobbing, frustrated heap on my mattress. I sleep for maybe, at best, two hours and then I'm up again. Other times I fall "asleep" but when the morning comes, I dont feel like I slept at all, my sleep is so shallow and broken.
I'm so tired right now I can't sit up straight. It takes too much energy. The pain of slouching is killing me. My back hurts so much I think I'm going to die. Typing at the keyboard is strenuous. And walking down the hall? Forget it. I'm trying my best to avoid people so I dont forget what I was saying or burst into crying mid-conversation.
My dad was a serious insomniac. I must have inherited it from him. I've not slept well since I was about 18. I am prone to periodic bouts of poor sleep during times of stress. But for the past 20 years my life has been one chronic "period of stress".
Right now I know I need to find a new job. The current situation I'm in is not suiting me well. I got transferred to a file and now a position I didn't choose after I returned from Maternity leave last year. I certainly would never have applied to this place/position. It's not a good fit, and I I have to go. In addition to the "not the best fit", I've spent 90% of my time this past year working on HR plans and trying to hire people only to have the doors continually slammed in my face. As a result, not much gets done, and my job satisfaction and enthusiasm is completely sapped. I have to get out of here before I become completely cynical and unproductive.
Due to a variety of decisions-beyond-my-control, as of early August I will be completely without staff, but will still be responsible for at least 3-4 workloads. I dont have any extra time or energy to spend on working overtime - I have a young child to care for who doesn't really care that "Mommy had a last minute policy development meeting and left me at the babysitter until 7pm". Even if I COULD work overtime, my daughter only has ONE childhood and I'll be damned if I miss too much of it because of stupid HR decisions beyond-my-control.
I have to get the hell out of here before or shortly after I'm completely de-staffed. I've been calling people, sending CV's, etc. A few nibbles, but so far nothing firm. It's summer, not much happens in any workplace. So I'm sitting on pins and needles, wondering what is going to happen, petrified and helpless. In so many ways I feel like the proverbial woman tied to the train track with the locomotive bearing down on me. Its now 100 m away and the ropes are not budging.
I've also *really* had it with run ins with people in positions of authority who are arrogant, cynical, angry, aggressive liars and manipulators who ignore those of us who are "lesser beings". What's amazing is those that exhibit the worst traits keep on getting promoted. I must be too good at being a human being to get promoted.
My husband and I are not getting along right now. What possesses him to stay up until 3 am every night playing online poker or watching TV instead of spending time with me and coming to bed and getting sleep is beyond me. It's driving me mad. We have so many positive and productive things that we could be doing but NOOOO! I can't stand it anymore. I hope something breaks on that scene, and soon.
I also want another baby, but I'm terrified. I'd love to wait until all this life "turmoil" dies down but we dont have the luxury of time. Every year that passes by after age 35 marks a significant jump in the risk of genetic problems and a significant reduction in fertility. I wish I didnt have this biological gun to my head. I'm under enough stress as it is. I don't want to be starting a new job and pregnant, it will be difficult, let alone the guilt I'll have when I have to explain to my new employers "thanks for the training period but I'll be taking a year off now". Pregnancy and maternity leave is really not good for your career. I'm grateful that we have a 1 year mat leave policy here in Canada but it really is not good for one's career development. I hate the fact that I'm the one who's the major bread winner and also the one who owns the uterus.
And I wonder why I'm not sleeping.
******
A disclaimer - I'm sure this post will elicit a lot of advice from well meaning people. But believe me, I've been in treatment for insomnia for two decades now. I've taken enough medication to choke a horse. I've removed caffeine from my diet. I refuse to watch upsetting or emotionally wrenching TV or movies. I've drastically cut down on junk foods and sugary foods. I've tried to balance my life. I exercise almost daily. I try to do a few yoga moves daily and go to a regular class 2x per month. I've consulted with literally hundreds of professionals: psychotherapists, massage therapists, social workers, psychiatric nurses, psychiatrists, hypnotherapists, physiotherapists, acupuncturists, nutritionists, doctors, self help groups, group therapy, couples' therapy, books, you name it, I've tried it.
And I'm still not sleeping.
So please don't feel offended if I don't take your advice!
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Conflicting emotions
Its been 20 months since my dad died. Enough time has passed that I'm not locked in chronic, exhausting, painful grief. I feel that I'm definitely through the acute grief, but there are still so many issues left unresolved.
My dad was a difficult person. But also a passionate and caring person. He could be a lot of fun, but he was also very very high maintenance.
As the months roll by since his death, in one way I'm starting to feel a lot more peaceful and a lot less stressed out, as there's a definite reduction in "drama" in my life. My dad approached life in an extreme sort of way. Things were perfect, or horrible. People were amazing, or complete idiots. There were few shades of gray in my dad's world.
My dad was also extreme about himself. He had a penchant for self abuse, manifested by addictions to cigarettes, alcohol, and prescription/over the counter medications. I don't doubt that the sudden and shocking heart attack he suffered was due to a long term abuse of some pretty heavy duty tranquilizer medications. I worried for years about his lungs (his mother died of lung cancer and emphysema - she was a long term smoker) about his liver (he drank way too much), about his brain (he had drug tolerance/withdrawal seizures for years). I worried about him getting into an "impaired" accident, having such a strong dependency and a lot of use of a variety of substances. Ironically, I never worried about his heart. And it was a heart attack that killed him. On the downstairs couch, no less. What could be a safer place?
I hate to admit, but my dad's death has created a feeling of peace and relief with respect to his self destructive and dramatic side. I don't have to worry if he's going to fall off the wagon, and hold the rest of the family as emotional hostages. I don't have to put up with his sudden rage-moods, where he'd rant and rave at us, using us as his emotional "venting" receptacles. I don't have to hear about his subtle and not so subtle threats about him hurting himself, or worse. I don't have to hear him rant and rage at me, call me names, insult me (and others) or other painful experiences. That part of my life is over. Forever. And for that I'm grateful.
Don't get me wrong. I loved my dad, despite all his faults.
He had another side. He had a fun side which was equal in intensity to his dark side. He could laugh like nobody else, he had a bizarre, eccentric and "outside the box" sense of humour which was totally and completely in sync with mine. We had a lot of good times, a lot of big laughs. When things were good in our family, they were outstanding. I am often reminded in little ways about the fun things we did - our years as a family in the Air Cadet program, family trips and outings, fun meals and holidays.
I was thinking the other day about the fact that 20 months HAVE passed since his death, and how many new things have happened, that if he was to come back tomorrow he'd not really be up on everything that's happened in our lives. He wouldnt recognize my daughter, he wouldn't know that we have a new Prime Minister (he might be happy not to know about that one). He wouldn't know about my brother's new job (the fact that my brother finally got a job after years of joblessness). So many things he wouldn't know about. I wish I could just give him a call and an update, to hear his stupidly ridiculous and funny comments on life.
The pain of that part of the loss still takes my breath away. I'm still deeply sad, and can still break into sobs at the drop of a hat, to know that part of my relationship with my dad is over. Forever.
But you never knew which side was going to come through. And if some unforeseen event in my dad's world would set his mood off from the fun loving Peter to the destructive and angry and scared one. We lived, holding our breaths, for decades.
Time to breathe.
My dad was a difficult person. But also a passionate and caring person. He could be a lot of fun, but he was also very very high maintenance.
As the months roll by since his death, in one way I'm starting to feel a lot more peaceful and a lot less stressed out, as there's a definite reduction in "drama" in my life. My dad approached life in an extreme sort of way. Things were perfect, or horrible. People were amazing, or complete idiots. There were few shades of gray in my dad's world.
My dad was also extreme about himself. He had a penchant for self abuse, manifested by addictions to cigarettes, alcohol, and prescription/over the counter medications. I don't doubt that the sudden and shocking heart attack he suffered was due to a long term abuse of some pretty heavy duty tranquilizer medications. I worried for years about his lungs (his mother died of lung cancer and emphysema - she was a long term smoker) about his liver (he drank way too much), about his brain (he had drug tolerance/withdrawal seizures for years). I worried about him getting into an "impaired" accident, having such a strong dependency and a lot of use of a variety of substances. Ironically, I never worried about his heart. And it was a heart attack that killed him. On the downstairs couch, no less. What could be a safer place?
I hate to admit, but my dad's death has created a feeling of peace and relief with respect to his self destructive and dramatic side. I don't have to worry if he's going to fall off the wagon, and hold the rest of the family as emotional hostages. I don't have to put up with his sudden rage-moods, where he'd rant and rave at us, using us as his emotional "venting" receptacles. I don't have to hear about his subtle and not so subtle threats about him hurting himself, or worse. I don't have to hear him rant and rage at me, call me names, insult me (and others) or other painful experiences. That part of my life is over. Forever. And for that I'm grateful.
Don't get me wrong. I loved my dad, despite all his faults.
He had another side. He had a fun side which was equal in intensity to his dark side. He could laugh like nobody else, he had a bizarre, eccentric and "outside the box" sense of humour which was totally and completely in sync with mine. We had a lot of good times, a lot of big laughs. When things were good in our family, they were outstanding. I am often reminded in little ways about the fun things we did - our years as a family in the Air Cadet program, family trips and outings, fun meals and holidays.
I was thinking the other day about the fact that 20 months HAVE passed since his death, and how many new things have happened, that if he was to come back tomorrow he'd not really be up on everything that's happened in our lives. He wouldnt recognize my daughter, he wouldn't know that we have a new Prime Minister (he might be happy not to know about that one). He wouldn't know about my brother's new job (the fact that my brother finally got a job after years of joblessness). So many things he wouldn't know about. I wish I could just give him a call and an update, to hear his stupidly ridiculous and funny comments on life.
The pain of that part of the loss still takes my breath away. I'm still deeply sad, and can still break into sobs at the drop of a hat, to know that part of my relationship with my dad is over. Forever.
But you never knew which side was going to come through. And if some unforeseen event in my dad's world would set his mood off from the fun loving Peter to the destructive and angry and scared one. We lived, holding our breaths, for decades.
Time to breathe.
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