Mother of two.. and losing perspective

He's here. Xavier James is here. He's a month old on Friday even. After the fastest birth on record (well ok i'm sure there were faster, but this was fast) and a whirwind first month, and a fairly good postpartum recovery, he's here.

And I'm now a mom of two. Holy *&(&.

Xavier is in the middle of the dreaded "first three month gassies" and its horrible. I swear he didnt sleep from 10pm last night until 2pm this afternoon. He fussed, cried, whined, burped, farted, pooped, etc.

I spent all of dinner time tonight either crying to myself or feeling sick to my stomach knowing my mom was leaving for home today.. for who knows how long. I know she could come right back in an emergency and that's good, but part of me wants to see if I can pull this off, another part of me wants my mom to move in permanently, and yet another part of me wants to run screaming from this family I helped create and never come back....

I'm so nervous about this whole motherhood thing all of a sudden. The whole time I was pregnant with Xavier I never realized how nerve wracking being a mom of two would be. Its so overwhelming I literally feel my heart in my throat right now.

I lost perspective today among the gassy whines, the spit ups, the pinched nipples (breastfeeding is still hit and miss) and wondered why I wanted another child. It was so clear to me last year that this was what I wanted, and part of me IS happy that he's here, but its so easy to forget that babies WILL turn into fun loving two and three year olds down the road.

It took a naked run through the dining room from Abby around 6:30 pm to remind me why I wanted Xavier in my life. Kids are good people, and they make parents even better people.

It would all be so much easier though if I could get some more sleep.