Groundhogs

My backyard is gorgeous tonight. It faces south-west and its not got much tree cover, so there's lots of happy sunshine wafting through the yard. The sprinkler is spraying some much needed moisture across the weeds that pose as my back lawn. We didnt get out much to mow the lawn last summer on account of having a newborn to care for, and the grass got replaced by a whole bunch of other plants instead. Many people might call them weeds, but I have to admit I kind of like the multi-level look they get after they start to grow a bit.

The sun shining through the sprinkler is making a rainbow of tiny droplets as they spray and fall on the lawn - er - ecosystem. Its beautiful. I wish I could capture the smell and the view and the feeling and put it in a jar for mid-January when all is dark and cold and depressing. There's something about my backyard - er - urban meadow that's always made me feel really calm and happy, I dont know what it is. My house is nothing remarkable, and my backyard is pretty nondescript, but I love it nonetheless. Maybe because its mine. It symbolizes a new start, a potential family life that is minus the stress and strife I grew up with. I feel like I can truly be safe in my own backyard.. wow, my own backyard. I can plant flowers, I can compost my own vegetable and fruit wastes, I can't believe it sometimes.

It took me so long to achieve this, that I sometimes sit back and wonder how I got here. Then I remember all the bad times, my dad's addictions and suicidal tendencies, my resultant depressions, the recession and government cutbacks of the 80's and '90's when I was looking to make my start in the work world, the not-so-good boyfriends, the stupid choices I made, and the resulting insecurity that still plagues me as a result and realize I've paid my dues, I should dam* well enjoy my backyard and everything in it. Even if the only thing in it is an overmature hedge, a very old lilac tree in need of pruning, a composter, a plastic kids pool and a fledgling garden planted this year.

Ah, the backyard...

In addition to the weeds, a family of groundhogs moved in under our deck last summer, for the same reason as said weeds moved in. I guess it's true that nature abhors a vacuum. With the absence of the human inhabitants of this house out there last summer, a whole new ecosystem has moved in.

Right now one of the groundhogs (we have named them "Gus" and "Gus' Girlfriend"), is trying to make a break for the groundhog hole under the deck, however, the sprinkler is making it an interesting challenge for her. The giant rodent (ever seen the teeth on a groundhog up close? Scary!) is sprinting around the edges of the yard, not quite sure what's going on.

I've had a nature-vs.-human battle all summer with the groundhogs, so its quite amusing to watch one of them get all hot and bothered trying to dodge the spray. We've pretty much been locked in a spy vs. spy. war over my back garden since the spring. I have tried to fill in the entrance way to their hole, and they've dug it out. I sprinkled hot pepper powder on my flowers, they just waited 'till it rained and gnawed away. I've put sticks and chicken wire up to try to get them to dodge my plants, but no luck. There's pretty much no plants at all growing within 4 feet of the entrance to their lair. Every time I try to put up some device to deter them from gnawing on my horticultural handiwork, they manage to find a way around it, and chew up my flowers anyhow.

Last year I wanted to get an animal control company to remove them, but this year, they've kind of grown on me, despite their destructiveness. I just hope that maybe they'll get annoyed and move on to another yard if I bug them enough. After all the heartbreaking change I've had endure in my life over the last year, I dont think I have the heart to inflict this on them. They had to move in because their own cover was blown last year when the neighbours took down their shed, so where is a lost family of groundhogs to go?

I've always thought there was a higher purpose to us finding this house so quickly. It did feel like there was some higher power sitting on my shoulder the day we bought this place. We found it so easily, the first day out looking, the fourth house we visited, on Valentine's Day no less. I thought that maybe this house was a step on the journey of bigger and better things, but lately with everything that's gone on in my life, the illnesses, the depression, the grief and the pain of the last 12 months, I wonder if this house really appeared to us in order to be a shelter for the lost, the sad, the grieving and the wounded.

On that note, maybe the displaced groundhogs have a right to be here as much as we do.

Friday zombie

Ok. I officially had a super crap sleep last night, the first time in a long time. It was hot, despite the air conditioning, and my lower back was aching like crazy. I cant find anywhere comfortable to sleep. The pain even permeated my drug-induced semi-coma that I require these days to sleep.

I had a bad stair-fall accident about 10 years ago and I crushed my pelvis and tailbone. It hurt so bad I just about passed out. I didn't break anything but I sure did bruise everything in there and its never felt quite right since. Its always painful since that time - either slightly or majorly (such as last night). Being pregnant and gaining all that weight last year certainly didnt help the region either. Back to the last "twenty" or so pounds....

I dont know what happens when you just bruise bones, but I think there's some new lumps and bumps down there in the joints and some nerves are some irritated. It hurts really really badly some days.

So, I did manage to fall sleep at 10:30 but was awake at 4am. Couldnt get back to sleep. Pain was intense. So I ruminated about work, my worries about all the changes, what if I get stuck in a dead end position where I can't grow and then I can't get a better job someday, what if my new managers/directors dont see me as the capable and smart person that I know I am and I get a job thats not very challenging or career promoting, etc. etc.

The bone pain was still pretty tremendous by 5:30 so I broke down and took two muscle relaxants. I couldnt wake up and was late for work.

I worry about work because I'm the main breadwinner in my family. I'm in a kind of reversal family situation, I make about 3x my husband's salary so I can't afford to get in a position where I'm underperforming, frustrated, dead-ended. Well I guess I could, but it might be awfully unpleasant and frustrating.

Why do I worry about such stupidity when I know there are people out there with bigger things to worry about in this world? Like life and death. The unrest in Lebanon. Leafs vs. Sens (kidding!)

I think the situation at work is triggering something painful from my past that I fear being repeated. It may be due to the fact that I've lived a life where many people have pegged me to be something and someone different than I really am. And I've paid dearly for it in tears and heartbreak. I'm a nice person, very nice, but some people have concluded otherwise. Why, I dont know. I'm pretty direct about some things, and I don't kiss butt very well, and I can be very very shy sometimes, especially if I dont know someone very well. I've also had depression, which has not always made me the easiest person to get along with, but that was not me. That was the illness.

Also on a few occasions in the past, I've also been chased by some guys I wasn't interested in, and when I had to tell them so, they really turned on me. Nasty. Huge anger problems. Stalker city. Very scary. I think in a way I learned to stay distant from people as a result of those experiences. So, maybe as a result, some people have made me into a cold fish, or even a monster, and really hurt me because of it(ex- boyfriends, you know who you are). . When all I really wanted was to love and be loved. Plain and simple.

I like to think I'm also pretty smart cookie, and many people tell me that I am. I feel I can contribute a lot to the workplace, my community, my country, the world, but I'm not in a position of power. I'm in a position where I need a benevolent manager or director to allow that to happen. And I'm worried that might not happen, but I'm not in a position to feel comfortable moving elsewhere. I worry about not finding a group that is family-supportive, that is, patient if I have to come in late or leave early some days because of my daughter's daycare schedule, or be patient with my extreme tiredness if I've been up all night tending a sick child. I have wanted a family for so long, and I'm really happy to have one, but I dont want it to be a career liability. Especially as I'm the mom, AND the main breadwinner.

Why do men with kids not fall into the realm of having made "career-limiting choices" but women do? My husband is as nurturing and as "motherly" as I am towards our child, and he has had to make a lot of workplace adjustments to care for her as well, yet I'm sure his coworkers and his boss don't see him being a new dad as being career limiting. Then again the career he's in is self-limiting anyhow!

Bah, I should stop ranting and raving and appreciate what I do have. Its harder though, when I'm so tired.

Praying for sleep.

Moving on while staying still

I work in a very fluid environment. No, I'm not a diver, or a dolphin trainer, or a sailor. I work in a "policy shop" in the government. Might sound exciting or tremendously boring, depending on who is reading this, but its really an interesting job.

I've not been here long but I'm one of the "long timers" now. Its pretty wild to see the turnover here. Its not because its a bad place to work, I guess, its just the nature of the work, and the people we hire. They're all intelligent, and very employable elsewhere, and there's a shortage of people like us in the government. So they always get opportunities elsewhere, and move on. I've made many friends here, and I miss so many of them. I just get to know them as a good friend and they move on. I miss them. Friends have always been important to me.

I've noticed that even though I'm not in a position in my life where I'm personally looking to move on, that things around me move on, and I find myself in a new position, just by staying still. With all the changes in my life recently I decided the time was not right to look for something new, but to stay put. But even staying put is not staying the "same". I wish it was, but it appears there's no breathers on this marathon of life.

So much change in my life lately has thrown me for a complete loop. I met my husband (re-met, but thats the subject for another post) in 2001, bought a house in April 2004, got married in September 2004, got pregnant right away, had a baby nine months afterwards (June 2005), then my dad died in November 2005. Up until Abby's birth, I still saw myself as a "kid", going home, raiding my parents' fridge, dropping in on them, sleeping in, pillaging their cupboards, getting their help for everything and anything, and suddenly, months later, I'm a mother, and I only have one living parent. Its been an awfully hard transition. I'm still shaking.

I miss my dad like crazy. I'm finding that as time goes on (its been seven months now) that I'm starting to forget just a little bit, what his voice sounded like, its not in my head all the time like it used to be. I'm starting to forget the little things that made him a human - what his hair looked like, his silly old-man-ish mannerisms, his gnarled up funny toenails, the sound of the ice cubes clattering in the glass when he put together a drink of ice tea or lemonade, the sound of him burping or clearing his throat. I never want to forget those noises, and it just devastates me to know that I'll never hear those noises again. I wish I'd audio-taped them, just to remember. Or maybe I dont want to remember, the pain of this loss is so debilitating still that maybe that would just be too much.

Daddy, I miss you. I wish you could come and see me and tell me everything was going to be okay. Will everything be okay? Tell me, and tell me again.

First post (or first past the post?)

Well. Everyone has always said that I was a good writer, so now I've got the opportunity to share that gift with the whole online world. My writing skills, however, pale in comparison to the witty musings of my husband, however, who could probably write a best selling novel, if he wanted to. But he doesn't. He's an advertising writer right now, but not sure what he wants to do with the rest of his life. He's looking for a change.

He's very talented, very good looking, funny, and personable. He cracks me up so much. We're so goofy together. I'm so lucky to be his wife. I just wish he could see himself the way others see him. He's getting better with that, however.

As I start to fill this blog, I'm hoping that this writing will be therapeutic, and will help me unload what's been on my mind for about 30 years. I want to find whatever it is, that's stopping me from sleeping. Yes, I'm really, truly in search of sleep.

I've been an insomniac for about 20+ years now. Its always been a big deal, to get sleep. Sleep comes easily to some, but for me, it's not an easy thing for me to accomplish, and its had a major effect on my life for a long time. It hit a crisis point just after the birth of my daughter, Abby, in June 2005. I was developing a bad case of postpartum depression, and I could not sleep, despite the extreme fatigue of post-pregnancy, a brutal 36 hour labour, and weeks of sleep deprivation. I knew I had a problem when I went away to a girls cottage weekend when Abby was 2 months old, and despite a big bed all to myself, being extremely tired, and not having the baby around, I still could not sleep. I cried most of the night instead, wishing that I had enough energy to go downstairs and enjoy the crazy merriment of my friends playing stupid games in the cottage living room. But I didnt. I laid upstairs and cried.

I have had moderate to severe depression on and off since I was about 17. I didnt get it diagnosed until I was 22. My major symptom has been insomnia or parasomnia (poor sleep) and its been a real struggle to deal with. At the current time I'm on medication for sleep and for depression, I just hope that I can get off it, I'm sure I'm hooked. But its better than being depressed, thats for sure. I guess I can deal with drug withdrawal later, with the help of my own personal mental health "medical community" (I have 2 therapists, 1 psychiatrist, a very supportive therapy group, and a sympathetic family doctor).

Both the medication and the insomnia are causing problems with my weight. I was about 20 lbs heavier than I wanted to be for my wedding in 2004, and I'm even bigger now. I just cant seem to lose the last twenty pounds of extra baby weight sagging around my belly. I can't stand it. Most clothes dont fit very well when you have a round belly, wide butt and stick-legs.

The insomnia has caused a lot of health problems, namely headaches and muscle aches. Not to mention a major impact on relationships, work accomplishments, motivation and just plain ol' staying sane.

But for now, I'm sleeping, and that's good enough.