Its been a while...

Have we all been *that* sick for *that* long?

Yes.. we have. At least I have. Been sick almost constantly since January. It's been tough.

At least the docs think they have found the problem - allergies! I guess everything gets all sticky and gummy.. and traps all kinds of viruses and bacteria.

Hopefully that can explain the 4 ear infections, the 2 cases of strep throat, the 'flu, the 3 colds and the eye infection that I've been sporting since January!

I don't have time to get into how much I'm mourning the last few months, precious months, time on mat leave with my son that I can't get back. I have 5 weeks to go and I'm going to make every last minute count.

life in the trenches

OK.. so being a second time mom I thought I'd seen it all, but my LO has been sick for 2 weeks now and on Sunday he started wheezing and working a bit harder to breathe. He's been in relatively good spirits, no fever and still eating so I wasn't too worried, but because of the wheeze I brought him into the doctors. I've been battling some kind of respiratory virus the entire month of January that landed me in the doc's a few times for pneumonia (a round of azithromycin for that one) and a big fat double ear infection (a round of amoxycillin for that one). I still can't hear out of my right ear...

Anyhoo I took him to the doc on Sunday and there's no sounds of pneumonia (lung crackles and pops) thank GOD (I am petrified of my kids getting pneumonia because I've had it, once as a kid and it was very very serious). but he does have bronchiolitis - inflammation in the smallest tubes in the lungs.

Yesterday he was wheezing worse and struggling to breathe a bit more so I brought him to the kid's hospital (CHEO - Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario) and it was an absolute zoo. There was a line up at the triage desk - there's been a massive outbreak of respiratory and gastro. viruses.. it was awful. I got there at 2:00 and didn't leave until 8pm. It was horrendous.

Xavier's oxygen saturation was a bit low (96%) so they did all kinds of treatments, epinephrine masks (twice) ventolin, and prednisone to try and get rid of the inflammation. They also suctioned his nose with this tube thing that made him scream.. I had to look away and try to be in my happy place when he was being held to the bed and screaming his little baby scream...

Man.. that ER sounds like a house of horrors all the screaming kids in there. I must have cried five times myself listening to all the misery around me.

Anyhow the wheezing seemed to be gone by 8pm so they let us go home. Today it seems to be back despite following the doctor's orders for continued puffers (ventolin and steroid) and prednisone.. tonight he coughed so hard he puked and he even had a big fat diarrhea attack in the tub (while he was in the tub with my 3 year old - great time to have their first shared bath eh?) we took him out of the tub and he proceeds to power-diarrhea all over my husband..

PLEASE GOD do not let him have a gastro. virus on top of whatever is making him cough and wheeze... I dont think I could stand having that rip through my house when my hubby is away for the weekend.

Anyhow its been a real slice of he** in the motherhood trenches. My back is killing me from lifting my 23 lb son around the ER for 8 hours. I'm totally stressed and I"m so glad my mom is coming up for a few days to help me out (my hubby is going away for the weekend and there's no way in he** i can manage 2 kids, one sick, one recovering, BOTH kids on puffers, and me with one ear still clogged and exhausted from whatever respiratory virus is making its rounds this year).

I'm not impressed mostly because an attack of bronchiolitis in infancy often means that the child will develop asthma later in life, great, my daughter has it and now my son. I've even had to label their puffers/aerochambers.. but then again ALL of us in this house have puffers now.. we all seem to get asthma after we get sick :(

I CANT WAIT FOR SPRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! virus season sucks...

Dear Lord...

Can I talk to my Dad? Please? I miss him so much. I don't understand why he has to come and live with you now and not with us. We're not done with him. He never got to meet Xavier and he barely met Abby. He has two grandchildren who would so much love to see him and play with him and that's not going to happen.

I still don't understand why my dad had to go. I mean, you probably know, but that does little for me who has to walk around every day with a broken heart. It's been over three years but some days it feels like it was just yesterday. Like this afternoon. I'm terribly worried about Xavier's cough and wheezing and I just wish I could call my dad and ask him to tell me everything's going to be OK. I never was really good at soothing myself when serious things happened, and even if my dad had NO idea if things were going to be OK he'd tell me anyhow, and I felt better. Even if it didnt make any sense, hearing him say that made me feel better.

But I can't call him. I will never hear his voice again as long as I live. I am not ready to die yet, so I don't think I want to exercise that option in order to hear him.

I have heard that through You all things are possible. And since You decided it was my dad's time to go, and I had no choice in the matter, that I deserve a little help here.

Could You tell me things will be OK? How will I know when you're sending me that message?

I miss my dad so much Lord, I could use a little help here.

Please.

You know who I am

So..

The insomnia got out of control in December. The depression and anxiety came back with a vengeance. I knew I had a problem when I went to my office Christmas party and spent more time in the bathroom crying than upstairs with my colleagues.

So I caved and started taking medication. Unfortunately I was self-medicating for awhile this fall with a few painkillers I had left over from an unfortunate burn accident. When those ran out I realized I had a serious problem.

I started medication under the supervision of a psychiatrist in mid December. Ciprolax in the morning, Seroquel and Imovane at night to sleep.

The anxiety seems to be in check now, which is good, but I still can't sleep without additional medication. But I can sleep with the night time medication and it's good.

I hate to admit that I have a mood disorder, but I do. Yep, I'm officially in the category of "mentally ill". I have had classic symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder since I was about 3. These symptoms have gradually gotten worse over my lifetime until they hit a crisis point after Abby's birth. I have been working awfully hard to keep these symptoms in check since I stopped taking medication before having Xavier.

Some of the things I can't do when I'm on this medication: Drink alcohol, stay up late, eat excessive amounts of junk food, and fly airplanes (yes I used to have a pilot's license).

I don't know how I will explain this to people the next time I'm out for dinner or at a party (not like that happens frequently, but it does on occasion). I just have to level with my friends I guess, and tell them the truth. That I have a health problem, I take medication, and I can't drink or stay up late. I rarely drank anyhow because of this problem so I might as well bite the bullet and tell them the truth.

I'm thankful for having my life back, though. It feels good to be normal. I've spent so much of my life wracked with phobias, insomnia, excessive worry, and an inability to relax. It feels good to finally unwind.

I just hate to admit I have an illness like this.