Last night I had a powerful dream. I woke up at 4am and couldnt get back to sleep, so I went upstairs for some juice and toast. Upon returning to bed, I fell asleep and had the most amazing movie-dream.
The dream involved reconnecting with an old friend. Someone I've not seen in a decade. Someone I wish I could talk to again. But I can't, because he's gone forever.
The first death of someone I knew well happened in 1998. It was a tragic flying accident. Footage of the crash and my friend being wheeled from the scene on a stretcher were splashed across the CBC news network for days. I knew exactly who it was by his floppy blonde hair on the footage.
Witnessing that news was horrific. It severely affected me psychologically for about six months to a year.
My friend was killed as a result of a midair collision of a plane he was flying. I had learned to fly with him on the Air Cadet gliding program we wound up on together. We spent a lot of time sitting on the side of runways and talking, chasing gliders up and down the 10,000 foot runway, and cutting up in ground school class.
I reconnected with him in 1987 in North Bay for our Power flying scholarship program. Both of us did very well, in fact, we both were candidates for "best pilot". I got a Christmas card from my friend the following year, but that was about the last contact I had with him until about 1995 or 1996, when he called me out of the blue at my desk at work. He had seen a posting I'd made on an air cadet website and called my parents house, then got my work number, and called me. I guess the weather was bad and he was not flying that day, and was kind of bored. So he called.
He was really eager to fly out to Ottawa, to take me out to dinner, it was all kind of strange. To hear his adult voice was strange. We last talked in our teens. To think that we'd not seen each other in about a decade, and here he was calling me out of the blue. I declined his request for dinner, but in hindsight, knowing he'd be dead a few years later, I wish I'd gone. I was going out with someone seriously at that time in my life and the concept of going out to dinner with another guy, even if a friend, was kind of, well, uncomfortable for me. Also due to health issues I'd gained some weight and was not impressed with my looks. I was not in a happy point in my life and I really didnt want anyone I knew from the past to see me. Rotten excuse, I know.
As my friend was stationed out west, we resumed our friendship through frequent emails. In addition to talking about flying, we spent a lot of time talking about relationships, finding love and how hard it was for him to find it out in a male-dominated military base. He was feeling really odd as he was the only single guy left that he knew, and he REALLY wanted to settle down.
Shortly therafter, I'd seen the news that he'd been accepted to the Snowbirds to fly as their Inner Right Wing - #2 - for the next two years. It was really neat to talk to him as an "insider" as a member of one of Canada's most prestigious icons. He also told me that he'd met a woman that he was ecstatic about, and I was SO happy for him. He seemed so overjoyed at the positive turn in his personal life.
We didnt talk much throughout the 1997-1998 season, as travelling with the team was a big time commitment. I got the odd email though.
The last time we "talked" - I got an email saying that he had a whole four days off between seasons, he was going on a cruise with his girlfriend and something big was going to happen.
I found out through the news reports of his accident that he was engaged. I guess that was the big news. I was devastated for his friends and family, and especially for his fiancee. Having just been proposed to and married several years ago, I can't imagine the emotional roller coaster she had to experience.
******
My dream last night involved "what might have been" - years before my friend met his girlfriend, when he was calling me, wanting to come and see me. What did he want? Did he just want to catch up, or was he interested in seeing if I was "available"? Was he interested in a relationship? Would it have led to something serious? If he had pursued me, would I have been interested, and left the person that I was involved with?
Would I have left Ontario and joined him in Saskatchewan? And would I have been the one on national television bravely holding back tears as I held his officer's hat and walked behind his coffin as his bereaved fiancee or widow?
The dream last night was about that possibility. And throughout the dream, things seemed perfect. As the relationship was building, however, every time we went out somewhere, we started seeing planes falling out of the sky. At one point in the dream I turned to him and said "what happened to you"? "Didn't you die"? "How is it that you are even here"?
I dont understand why this dream. Why now?
Maybe the weather - its just like the time of the year when he died (December). Maybe its the heartwrenching discussions I've had with my husband lately about our relationship. Maybe its my subconscious thinking reminding me that despite the pain I've been through with my own choices and own life paths, there could have been serious heartache somewhere else. Maybe its because of my dinnertime breakdown yesterday remembering my dad who was also a pilot and so much a part of my Air Cadet aviation experience.
Who knows. All I know is that I just feel like I want to cry, and keep on crying.
"Boog man" - I miss you. Enough time has now passed that a lot of things have happened since you left. Next year it will be a whole decade since you were taken from this earth. I wish we could get together, talk about the old, fun times, and do some hangar talkin'.
I thought for sure we'd be friends until we were old farts, too old to see let alone even fly. I thought we'd exchange photos of our weddings, our kids and our retirements. I thought someday I'd reconnect with you and you could take me flying, as I've had to put my aviation pursuits on the backburner for a long time now due to health issues. I thought you'd pop up in my life from time to time to remind me of a time in my life when everything was wonderful, everything was perfect.
But none of this was meant to be.
So all I can do now is thank you for the advice to be happy. To find something that makes me smile. To never forget the person that I was when I was younger. To strive to be happy, and to not forget the challenges that I readily accepted, took on, and conquered with passion and flair.
Thanks for reminding me that passionate girl is still alive inside.
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