Its been awhile since I posted on here. Maybe thats a good thing, considering the topic of this website - recovery from PPD and extreme grief.
Maybe its a bad thing, because I still need to journal my experiences, but I'm super busy, and have been super-sick for awhile (cold after cold!)
Things are starting to feel a bit more normal in my stressed-out ol' body. Good thing as I move towards my 37th birthday on Thursday. I'm down to half of my antidepressants - I'm finally starting to sleep a lot better, less sleep medication as I've always found that antidepressants give me insomnia (go figure - one of my major depressive symptoms is also insomnia!).
I'm doing this reduction in medication against medical advice, which makes me nervous. But despite my doctors' advice, I'm the expert on my own body, and have to admit that I do feel better physically with this reduction in meds. I can sleep better, I feel a lot less jittery. But I do notice that my emotions are sticking around a bit longer - good ones and bad ones. And I feel my embarassment, my anger, my fear, a lot more strongly.
I've got to be mindful of normal reactions to things - that its OK to just "move on" to the next thing and not spend too much time beating myself up over stupid things. That its NOT okay to vent at anyone despite my strong feelings about anything. That being stuck on any one thing, and ruminating, and over-thinking is NOT normal behaviour. It wont help me get any more resolution on a particular issue, and probably will just wear me out.
My H was really good last night, allowing me to sit and think about my feelings about something really difficult in our relationship. Its hard to open up to him, to be really honest with him and myself about things. I'm not used to it. I tried for years with my dad and with other previous partners - to tell them the difficult things, to tell them how I felt, but none of them really cared. Or maybe they couldnt get out of their own issues long enough to really listen. But C is really making an effort to help in this regard, and for that I'm grateful.
Maybe we've really come a long way, a lot longer than I really have given us credit for.
P
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Heya ..
I *know* you've come a long way .. both of you. When I think about what you both have had to come to terms with over the past couple of years .. the highest of highs, and deepest of depths .. well, it's no doubt that it's been overwhelming at times.
I'm really glad you're reducing the antidepressant intake .. I was taking 'em for a few months when Yadly and I split ..and while that wasn't nearly the same level of stress and chaos that becoming a mom/losing dad/struggling with marriage/etc has been .. but I needed 'em for a while just to help stabilize things.
But, like you, I found that after a while, I didn't need them as much .. and eventually, after a few months, I reduced my intake and then stopped.
So, give yourself credit for making it through a very difficult time .. and give C credit for trying his best, working every day to be a better dad, a better partner, and keep on pluggin'
If there's one thing I know we both share with dad, it's persistence .. for all his faults .. and he certainly had his share .. he was one of the most persistent people I've known, and I know he'd be proud of us all for keeping on.
See ya this weekend.
XizInSweden
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