My daughter is moving into the "word explosion" phase of her development (or so the experts say). Its obvious that her brain development is now allowing her to put thoughts together, to understand the passage of time (today, tomorrow, yesterday). She's also really good at understanding who's important in her life and that certain people are not there.
Abigail frequently runs through her list of "people" when she's with some of us, or at daycare (so I've been told). Her list goes "Mum", "Dad", "Naynay" (her name for my mom) and "Kiss" (her name for my brother Chris). But she never says "Wobah" (the name she invented for my dad just before he died).
At my mom's house on the weekend, there's a photo of my dad at my wedding perched on his old dresser. Abby loves to look at photos around my mom's house, rhyming off her people "Mom, Dad, NayNay, Kiss"... but when she got to a photo of my dad, she just looked at it. After awhile she went "Kiss" because my brother looks an awful lot like my dad. But we had to tell her that it was "Wobah" - her grandfather, who has left this earth to live with Jesus.
Its so strange that a man who dominated my life from my birth until last year will not be a known entity to my daughter. That we'll only have stories to tell her about and she'll not be able to experience the real thing.
My relationship with my dad required careful management, and it was a source of pain and frustration on many an occasion. I don't know how it would have affected my relationship with my daughter. I guess I dont have to figure that out now.
Everything in my life is now so different. I'm in totally uncharted territory. Having a relationship with someone such as my dad who was so dominant has really left me with shaky legs, not totally confident in my own judgement and my own abilities. I really grew up not totally trusting myself, as he often dove in to "DO" things for us. I'm sure his intentions were noble, but it often didnt leave the rest of us in the family feeilng overly confident. Abigail's birth and his death has really sent me for a loop in that department, challenging my abilities, my confidence.
Why have I always been like that - when I look at the things I've done in my life I've not only usually succeeded, I've exceeded many expectations, and done amazingly well. But I always think I could be better, do more, that I'm not good enough. And that has robbed a lot of joy out of things, out of accomplishments, out of every day life. And that's a shame, becuase I've been given a lot of blessings. I really need to make a point to enjoy them a lot more.
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Hey, Toots
Uncle Kiss here.
All I can say is that whatever doubts and fears you may have, the proof of your ability to conquer them and succeed is all around you.
I remember, just a few years ago, you sobbing on my futon, thinking you'd be alone, broke and homeless for the rest of your life.
Now, you're married, have a great little girl, a good career going, and have a lot to be proud of.
I believe dad's intentions were never to undermine our confidence in ourselves, nor to cast doubt on our abilities. He was impatient, and impulsive .. characteristics typical of an untreated alcoholic, I've since learned .. and while his methods were often disruptive, and bull-headed, I do believe he acted out of good motives. His heart, I believe was in the right place .. his hands, mouth and feet, sometimes weren't.
So, keep the faith .. Abby is growing into an energetic, bright and very sociable little kid, and obviously is very devoted to her mommy and daddy. Everyone who meets her thinks she's one of the cutest, and friendliest little girls around, and both you and Clancy can take huge pride in that accomplishment.
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