My H and I have been ttc baby #2 for a few months. Last week I even went to talk to my doctor and then a therapist about my fears and anxieties about being an "older mom". I'll be 38 in January and there is a lot of information out there on the fact that fertility does decline with age. After reading all of this stuff (which I knew already from reading it before TTC baby #1 back in 2004) I have been in an extreme stress-out situation.
My doctor was a real pro in his discussions and indicated to me that there is a *slight* reduction in fertility as we age, but he didnt make a big deal about it. He assured me there's still a really good chance, but it could take a little longer (maybe even a year longer) than I'd hoped. He did indicate that overall, couples only have a 60% chance of conceiving after 1 year of trying.. that blew me away.
Shocking words for someone like me who concieved her first without even trying - first month, at age 34 (apparently since I delivered at age 35 technically I was a 35 year old first time mother!). The chances of that happening are less than 10%!
Anyhow, despite the stats, I figured with my previous experience I must be some kind of fertility goddess or something, and this time around it would be just as easy, but no...
I'm noticing that the scarier stats for mothers 35+ are usually on the websites of assisted reproduction companies. Part of me is wondering if that is part of their advertising. I know one thing that's for sure, fertility or infertility, we DON'T have the money for either extremely invasive techniques, or adoption, that's for sure. Unless some benevolent financial donor comes our way, whatever nature hands us or doesn't, that's going to have to be where it ends for us as far as family size.
The pain of being at the end of my reproductive life and just beginning in my relationship and my ability to have kids is getting unbearable. I feel so stuck. So trapped. So hopeless. Why was I able to have a baby when I was 13 or 14 for chrissake? I was not even in HIGH SCHOOL yet! And in my prime in my early 20's? I wasn't even done university. I didnt have a real, steady, guaranteed paycheck until I turned 30 1/2.. how is it at that point I was already facing fertility decline? But that's the way human reproduction is at this point. Until science can stop a girl from becoming fertile until she turns 25, and adds another decade onto our reproductive life in our 40's and early 50's this is what we're stuck with.
This world doesn't make sense to me.
I knew about these stats from a fairly early age (late 20's). I never wanted to be in this situation, and I tried REALLY hard to not be here. I tried to stick through relationships in my 2o's that were not the best for me, in fear that I'd not find anyone better before it was too late. Despite it all, those relationships blew up in my face.
I swear the day my boyfriend broke up with me in January 2000 I saw the faces of my yet unborn children (one girl and one boy) disappear before my face, and it was the saddest sight I have ever seen. Iit was not until I was 34 when I got married and 35 when I had my first child. The girl is here.. where's the boy?
Many people tell me to just "be happy" with what I have. I am very happy with what I have. I love my husband and little girl so much. I can't believe what an utterly amazing child I have. But this ongoing babylust to complete my family does NOT mean I dont appreciate what I do have. Its just something beyond logic, beyond comprehension that is sitting in my heart, tugging at my soul, reaching out into the great beyond.
It was always in my mind's eye to be a mom of 2 kids. Probably because I grew up with one sibling, and its familiar and comfortable to me. The pain of looking across my dining room table and seeing one empty chair is really difficult for me.
And now with a few cycles of non-success, those old fears are again creeping up on me. I feel I'm rapidly and desperately running out of time.
I hope I can stay sane as I let mother nature and God work this all out. There's not much else that I can do to help this out, any more than I'm already doing that is.
I hope that God listens to my prayers. I've been saying a lot of them lately.
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As the saying goes, you can use statistics to prove anything. I you're right that those who are in the business of assisted reproduction have a vested interests in portraying conception as a long shot past a certain age. And perhaps those statistic might even be comforting for people with legitimate fertility issues. At least they know they're not the only ones.
From what I've observed, conception is an utter crapshoot. My sister-in-law was like you, in that her oldest was conceived immediately. Her second took about six months to conceive. On the other end of the scale, my cousin tried for almost two years before her first was conceived through in vitro. Her second was conceived on the first try, with no medical assistance whatsoever. She was thirty-seven then too.
I haven't had a pregnancy, but I definitely fell prey to reading all sorts of information on adoption. I knew we'd meet the right baby and sometimes, I could be very laissez-faire and zen about it. But sometimes, I wanted desperately I when this soul would join our family. And as is so often the case in (my) life, as soon as I stopped thinking about it, we got the call that would lead to us being parents.
Wow. Now I'm just rambling. I don't think I have a point. But I understand that two months is a long time to wait when you want something this badly. But you still have every reason to be hopeful. I'm sending happy, fertile thoughts your way!
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