Singing the baby blues again

Another month goes by... and I'm still not pregnant.

3am this morning, I got up to pee... and it was obvious, I was definitely not pregnant. I spent the next 2 hours crying. I'm still weepy now 3 hours later.

I know that 2 months is not that long to be trying.. but we conceived Abby the first month we tried. So this time, 2 months seems like forever.

This is such a bind.. on one hand, as I'm already a mom of one, I'm terrified to have another baby. I KNOW pregnancy, childbirth and the early months and years are no picnic. Working full time while pregnant, is not a cakewalk. Its exhausting, emotional, stressful - overall a difficult haul. And with a little one underfoot, I'm not sure how I'd do it. And now that I have a new job to learn, especially one that includes international travel, the prospect of having to work pregnancy around all of that is especially unpleasant.

However, despite all of that, today I'm just plain insanely sad to not be pregnant. What's not helping is that I feel time is passing me by - I'll be 38 in January. There is no time to waste. But this is not something I can just put my mind to and have it work out. Careers and education - my worries of past decades - I know now are much easier to be in control of. Matters related to life and love seem to be all luck, chance and circumstance.

I have so many worries. I'm worried that as Abby gets older and more independent, I'll lose my nerve. That if this waiting game goes on too long that I'll just not want to try anymore. Also, this rollercoaster of "am I or am I not" is really difficult to handle.

What's more stressful is that even if I get pregnant I know there's no guarantees. At my age there's about a 30% chance of miscarriage. I know a lot of people who have had one - or more. I remember the anxiety and terror of the first trimester with Abby... I bled off and on for the entire three months. The anxiety of wondering if she was ok, if she'd be healthy was so difficult to handle. Each doctor's appointment, each screening test, each ultrasound was so terrifying. By the time she was born I was beside myself with worry. Yet another contributing factor to the PPD.

How do I continue to let this go? I admitted to myself last week that I was "ok with whatever happened" but that was when I had an inkling that I might have been pregnant. I was pretty mixed up last week - on one hand, the pregnancy tests were both negative. After the first one on Sunday I cried my eyes out for hours. But despite it all, I was still trying to hang onto a bit of hope. But 2 negative pregnancy tests later, and now "Aunt Flo" is here. So its definite that I'm not pregnant. For someone who was "OK" with whatever happened - baby wise - I'm surprised at the strength of the grief and sadness that's pouring out of me this morning.

At 3am this morning I was so upset that I sought out the company of my husband. I woke him up to talk. God bless him - he woke up and talked with me until it was time to get up at 6:30. Sorry honey - I know you'll be exhausted today. I dont do that very often, because I dont want to wake him up. But I just couldnt help it today.

One thing we talked about in the dark was how we KNEW that God was working in our lives when we got married, and when Abby came along. That feeling that God is watching over your shoulder, and you have that wonderful glow of warmth and a strong God-presence was obvious to us both. Our wedding day was sunny, happy and bright. A perfect day. Our honeymoon was bright and glorious. And Abby came along 9 months later. All was perfect...

Except there have been so many hard things since then. The difficult pregnancy. The traumatic birth. The postpartum depression. The death of my father. My illnesses and surgery. My husband's "case". Losing my job. Our marriage has been was mired in the pain and helplessness or our our own individual painful circumstances. I have felt so far away from that warmth and radiance of God's love most days. A total opposite of how I felt on my wedding day and honeymoon. Lately the only praying I do is kind of an helpless, desperate with a bit of bitterness. Not at all like the joyous or warm prayers I felt leading up to our wedding, and the birth of our daughter.

Mind you I did get a bit of a reprieve.. I prayed on hands and knees a few weeks ago to get me out of my old job, away from that situation that was causing me such pain. 4 hours later I had a job offer.

But I still feel a million miles away with regards to God's guidance on having another baby......