Ok, that one night of good sleep was just that - one night.
Ironically, it came the night I found out that one place that I was hoping to go work no longer had any openings.
I am definitely torn right now.
My H and I want another baby, and being five months from turning 38, we dont have the luxury of time to wait until things are "right" in our lives. We'd like to try and time it so that the baby is again born in June - so my mom will be available to come up and help. This means pregnancy in August or September.
Pretty soon!
Seeing as I'm the one with the uterus, it will definitely be me that will have to take one for the team with respect to morning sickness, exhaustion, and "the pregnancy stupids" while still trying to maintain some semblance of professionalism. It was really really difficult last time.
But for the sake of my mental health, I also really need to find a new job. I'm not looking forward to the possibility of being pregnant and learning a new job at the same time. Its hard to impress a new employer while you are scarfing down crackers all day long and trying to avoid wharfing on the boardroom table during a staff meeting or a senior management briefing session.
Also, mat leave in this country generally means 12 months away from the office. While that sounds great, having this happen shortly after going to a new team does not sit well with me. The last time I was on mat leave I left a group and a file I really really liked. I got reassigned upon return from leave to a file I hated, and subsequently, that file got transferred to a group in which I definitely don't belong. I'm still trying to figure out a way out of this mess.
This transfer has affected a lot of things about my career, and my self esteem with respect to work - and not in a good way. I don't want to have that happen again. I want to find a file I really like and stay there for a few years.
But all bets are off if you go away on leave.
It would be easier to go on mat leave from the current job I have - I would not have a learning curve to address while trying not to puke on my computer or my coworkers. I also would not have any guilt about going on leave.
I'm so torn, and I sit up at night trying to wrestle this issue through.
My friends say to me "don't look for trouble" - meaning that things may all work out for the best, or that I'll be able to manage my way through, no matter what happens. But with the unbearable events of the last pregnancy phase of my life still fresh in my mind (health problems, difficult delivery, postpartum depression, surgery, losing my dad, losing my position at work and being transferred) its hard not to worry.
I suppose I should keep reminding myself that this time may not be the same as last time, and I should take it as it comes. Life does not always present itself in nice, neat and orderly packages.
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2 comments:
No, I can't blame you for being worried. The events surrounding Abby's birth were so traumatic, it's no wonder you're afraid that another pregnancy might open up another can of worms.
Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in life. And in a cruel twist of fate, a lot of really awful things happened to you all at once. But's it's unlikely that time surrounding this pregnancy will exactly parallel what happened two years ago. Obviously, I have no direct experience but a number of women told me they were better able to deal with emotional impact of second and subsequent pregnancies, simply because they had a better sense of what to expect.
Anyhow, I'm not telling you not to worry. You can't help how you feel. But I think another child would be a wonderful addition to your family and ultimately it's a decision you'll be glad you made.
Wishing you more nights of calm and sleep!
I know I'll be glad I made the decision to have another one.. but I'm worried I'll not be able to make it through....
Pregnancy and birth last time were so difficult.. by the time Abby arrived I was already so far behind the power curve...
But at least this time I'll know how to handle a newborn, and not be so dazed and confused.
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