Job hunt is still frustrating, a place that I had hoped would come through just called me at the end of yesterday to tell me they had no positions after all. Summer is a bad time to look for work, that's for sure.
What's most disturbing about my work these days is the semi-regular instances of "gaslighting" that have been happening. A few months ago my position and my file (as well as a few others) were transferred from one branch of our department to another. The rationale behind the move was not well planned or thought out, despite the "powers that be" believing otherwise. There was no discussion on the move before it happened, and a lot of misconceptions about our work and our role. Since that time, its been a frustrating experience not only trying to deal with the staffing freezes, but also to establish/re-establish our purpose. I inherited the acting manager's position along with the transfer, which was also a new experience for me. I inherited a big mess that's for sure.
Because of the misconceptions and misperceptions, and a history of just not sitting down and talking things through face to face, there's been a LOT of friction within our new branch and between the old one and the new one. Whether certain people have realized they have made mistakes, or maybe due to their own insecurity, or their own lack of knowledge and unwillingness to sit down and learn, there has been a lot of "gaslighting" going on after the fact.
I used to be a very confident person at work. My old work unit (from2002-2005) gave me a lot of autonomy, a lot of empowerment, and they really listened to me. They took my advice, told me when they were able to use it, and if something came up that was not going to be easy to handle, they talked to me like an adult about it. Things have been very different since coming back from mat leave.
Now about the gaslighting. What is it you may ask? Why am I starting to doubt myself? Why do I feel like I'm going crazy? Well here's the definition of gaslighting:
From Wikipedia:
What's gaslighting? Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It uses persistent denials of fact which, as they build up over time, make the victim progressively anxious, confused, and unable to trust his or her own memory and perception.
A variation of gaslighting, used as a form of harassment, is to subtly alter aspects of a victim's environment, thereby upsetting his or her peace of mind, sense of security, etc., such as was used by the Manson Family during their "creepy crawler" burglaries during which nothing was stolen, but furniture in the house was rearranged.
The term was coined from the 1940 film Gaslight and its 1944 remake in which changes in gas light levels are experienced several times by the main character. The classic example in the film is the character Gregory using the gas lamps in the attic, causing the rest of the lamps in the house to dim slightly; when Paula comments on the lights' dimming, she is told she is imagining things. Paula believes herself alone in the house when the dimming occurs, unaware that Gregory has entered the attic from the house next door, and is searching for jewels he believes to be hidden there. The sinister interpretation of the change in light levels is part of a larger pattern of deception to which the character Paula is subjected.
I'd like to believe that all the stupidity that's happening right now is just that. Stupidity. And that there's no sinister "conspiracy theory" in place. But of course, I start to worry. In the past few months I've been criticized and blamed for a LOT of things. Somehow, so many things all wind up as MY fault. Misconceptions, poor decisions, they all have an element of "Blame Patty" in it. And I'm sick of it. I've done nothing wrong, except be at the wrong place at the wrong time.. oh and not document everything to the exact letter to cover my butt.
The way things seem to happen in my line of work these days, executives are all powerful and all knowing, and those of us who don't have that "authority" are ignored. We don't have any opportunity air grievances, to right wrongs, to set the record straight, to protect our reputations. And it's happened too much lately for me to feel totally comfortable in where I am.
Another reason to seek a change, or at least to be a moving target for awhile.
4 comments:
Heya
Well, unfortunately I can't wave a magic wand and fix your work situation, or your insomnia .. but I can offer a few words 'o wisdom.
Your work won't always be like this. Yes, it's frustrating, and off-putting now, but so long as you can believe, and remember that there will be a time when this will be in the past, it may help to make it more bearable.
Also .. try (and, yes, I know this is difficult) to leave the work frustrations at work when you're done for the day. Take a moment when you walk to the car to smell the air, find something of beauty to look at, find *something* to look forward to.
I offer this, having, as you know, toughed out over five years of less-than-ideal employment situations, and if nothing else, training yourself to find the small victories, and the simple joys in life *can* make a difference. You may not feel so overwhelmed and squashed by things you can't control.
Anyway, my $.02. Take 'er easy.
Yer Bro,
Xiz
the hardest thing about leaving it behind is that I am starting to doubt myself outside of work - that my perceptions and judgement and assessment of things is not right, and I'm somehow flawed. Yes this ties into a LOT of what happened with Dad.. that's for sure. A persona of me was created that was not me, and a lot of crap and abuse was heaped upon that persona.
I'm trying really hard to keep the two separate, but it is starting to invade my sense of self outside the office, so the "keep work at work" is hard. There's some frustrating interactions at home too which are making me doubt everything about my own self that's for sure.
Well, as for your perceptions outside of work, you have nothing to doubt in yourself.
Think of it .. you've learned how to be a good mom, a homeowner, a spouse, and you've done well in all of those in spite of losing dad, fighting post-partum depression and a host of other physical ailments. You've done all of those, and succeeded.
I have no doubt in your abilities, both within work, and outside .. keep the faith in yourself. There's a lot in this situation you can't control, and that's bound to be frustrating.
Anyway, hang in there ..
I'm glad you were able to get some decent sleep at the very least. It amazes me how difficult life becomes after just a couple days of insufficient rest.
The job situation sounds really hard. I've been in unpleasant work situations in the past and I hated it. Somehow the negativity seemed to permeate almost everything I did. Not a good scene.
I see how, at least for now, you might feel frustrated or stuck. At least you are taking the steps you can take...sending out resumes, looking for new work. Sooner or later that effort has to pay off. In the meantime, I know it's small consolation but what your brother is saying is true. It won't always be this way. But until the change comes, I've no doubt you're doing the best job you can. Anyone who says otherwise, is just wrong.
*hugs*
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