Title: Sleep is a bastard (I cant post the title on my blog today for some reason)

I've been in an insomniac phase for a week now. I hate this.

I've got so much on my mind, it just races and races. Hours after trying to get to sleep I'm crumpled in a crying, sobbing, frustrated heap on my mattress. I sleep for maybe, at best, two hours and then I'm up again. Other times I fall "asleep" but when the morning comes, I dont feel like I slept at all, my sleep is so shallow and broken.

I'm so tired right now I can't sit up straight. It takes too much energy. The pain of slouching is killing me. My back hurts so much I think I'm going to die. Typing at the keyboard is strenuous. And walking down the hall? Forget it. I'm trying my best to avoid people so I dont forget what I was saying or burst into crying mid-conversation.

My dad was a serious insomniac. I must have inherited it from him. I've not slept well since I was about 18. I am prone to periodic bouts of poor sleep during times of stress. But for the past 20 years my life has been one chronic "period of stress".

Right now I know I need to find a new job. The current situation I'm in is not suiting me well. I got transferred to a file and now a position I didn't choose after I returned from Maternity leave last year. I certainly would never have applied to this place/position. It's not a good fit, and I I have to go. In addition to the "not the best fit", I've spent 90% of my time this past year working on HR plans and trying to hire people only to have the doors continually slammed in my face. As a result, not much gets done, and my job satisfaction and enthusiasm is completely sapped. I have to get out of here before I become completely cynical and unproductive.

Due to a variety of decisions-beyond-my-control, as of early August I will be completely without staff, but will still be responsible for at least 3-4 workloads. I dont have any extra time or energy to spend on working overtime - I have a young child to care for who doesn't really care that "Mommy had a last minute policy development meeting and left me at the babysitter until 7pm". Even if I COULD work overtime, my daughter only has ONE childhood and I'll be damned if I miss too much of it because of stupid HR decisions beyond-my-control.

I have to get the hell out of here before or shortly after I'm completely de-staffed. I've been calling people, sending CV's, etc. A few nibbles, but so far nothing firm. It's summer, not much happens in any workplace. So I'm sitting on pins and needles, wondering what is going to happen, petrified and helpless. In so many ways I feel like the proverbial woman tied to the train track with the locomotive bearing down on me. Its now 100 m away and the ropes are not budging.

I've also *really* had it with run ins with people in positions of authority who are arrogant, cynical, angry, aggressive liars and manipulators who ignore those of us who are "lesser beings". What's amazing is those that exhibit the worst traits keep on getting promoted. I must be too good at being a human being to get promoted.

My husband and I are not getting along right now. What possesses him to stay up until 3 am every night playing online poker or watching TV instead of spending time with me and coming to bed and getting sleep is beyond me. It's driving me mad. We have so many positive and productive things that we could be doing but NOOOO! I can't stand it anymore. I hope something breaks on that scene, and soon.

I also want another baby, but I'm terrified. I'd love to wait until all this life "turmoil" dies down but we dont have the luxury of time. Every year that passes by after age 35 marks a significant jump in the risk of genetic problems and a significant reduction in fertility. I wish I didnt have this biological gun to my head. I'm under enough stress as it is. I don't want to be starting a new job and pregnant, it will be difficult, let alone the guilt I'll have when I have to explain to my new employers "thanks for the training period but I'll be taking a year off now". Pregnancy and maternity leave is really not good for your career. I'm grateful that we have a 1 year mat leave policy here in Canada but it really is not good for one's career development. I hate the fact that I'm the one who's the major bread winner and also the one who owns the uterus.

And I wonder why I'm not sleeping.


******

A disclaimer - I'm sure this post will elicit a lot of advice from well meaning people. But believe me, I've been in treatment for insomnia for two decades now. I've taken enough medication to choke a horse. I've removed caffeine from my diet. I refuse to watch upsetting or emotionally wrenching TV or movies. I've drastically cut down on junk foods and sugary foods. I've tried to balance my life. I exercise almost daily. I try to do a few yoga moves daily and go to a regular class 2x per month. I've consulted with literally hundreds of professionals: psychotherapists, massage therapists, social workers, psychiatric nurses, psychiatrists, hypnotherapists, physiotherapists, acupuncturists, nutritionists, doctors, self help groups, group therapy, couples' therapy, books, you name it, I've tried it.

And I'm still not sleeping.

So please don't feel offended if I don't take your advice!