I'm still a strange sleeper

I've recently taken to falling asleep upstairs in the master suite and then going downstairs to sleep later on. I feel really anxious when I fall asleep upstairs, I dont fall asleep deeply or for long. I still live in fear of being woken up, by either my husband (mister restless sleeper and snorer extrordinaire) or by my child.

When Abby was first born, I had a hard time getting used to dealing with a crying baby. I will totally admit that. It always seemed that I was just settling down to sleep when BOOM she'd be up, crying for food. I was so tired it was torture. I'm still getting over that. Despite the fact that I really want another baby, that whole lack of sleep thing is the number one thing that's scaring us from trying for baby number two.

The thought of Abby waking me up in the middle of the night still fills me with horror. I'm such a light sleeper, once I've been woken up, I'm up. Even if it's 3am. That's it, thats all. I'm done for the night. Ok well maybe I'm done until 7am, when its time to get up. Since I"m now back at work, so an afternoon nap is out of the question, unless I can find a way to build myself a bed under my desk a la George Costanza.

I have phoned in sick on many an occasion to just stay home and sleep. But that generally messes up my circadian rhythym even more, and I sleep even crappier the next night.

I should be proud of myself that at least I'm sleeping now, medication free. But I've still got to tackle that last step, moving upstairs permanently. I stil have such sleep-performance-anxiety, its awful. I put so much pressure on myself to sleep, it's bizarre. I wish I could figure out how to stop doing that to myself.

This insomnia routine is like a big heavy weight on my shoulders, holding me down. I've struggled with insomnia and parasomnia for two decades now. Its the bane of my existence. This level of ongoing, crushing fatigue saps my creativity, crushes my mood, and destroys my sense of initiative.

I'm so exhausted most days, I swear I could fall asleep in front of any TV show, music blaring, but put me in a quiet, dark bedroom, and ZZZZZTT!! my head is spinning, anxiety ruling the day.

I've been to so many doctors, clinics, tried this diet and that, avoided caffeine, sugar, wheat, carbs, tried this and that medication, and nothing really seems to work for long.

Strange sleep indeed.