I heard a song this morning that made me cry.
Some of you might remember this song:
“Old lang syne” by Dan Fogelberg?? You can hear it at:
http://www.geocities.com/bjaes.geo/lyrics/syne.htm
This song has always gotten to me. Even when I was too young to understand it. When this song came out I was in elementary school, I knew that I didn’t understand it at the time but someday I would.
And now I do.
What happens to all those innocent times? The times before death, divorces, suicides, depressions, kids, major responsibilities, layoffs, disasters, terrorist attacks....
Man. I realize how much time has passed since that song came out. And how much I've grown up. And how hard that has been. My head is spinning. There's so many experiences I'm so grateful for, but so many that I wish I didn't have to experience: breakups, homelessness, joblessness, loneliness, depressions, illnesses, surgery, traumatic childbirth, deaths of friends and loved ones.
My H is flying out tonight to attend the funeral of his friend Erin, who killed herself on Sunday. She has suffered from bipolar depression for a few years now or so we heard, and I guess she just couldnt handle it anymore and took her own life on the weekend. My husband was ok when he first heard the news, but he’s getting more and more upset as time goes on. I hope he is able to handle this ok. He’s not doing so well right now, and neither am I. I wish I could go to, but I didn’t really know Erin very well, I only met her twice. Once in Toronto for a baby shower, and once at our wedding. Besides, I think he needs to go off and do this himself. And I also have to stay and take care of our daughter, and the cost of both of us flying to Toronto for an overnight stay would be pretty high.
I realized last night that THREE people who were on our guest list for our wedding are now dead. Two attended the wedding, one committed suicide before the wedding. Yes - we now have TWO friends who have wives who killed themselves. The other person who is now dead is my own father.
Back to my husband. His friend that died was part of my husband's close circle of friends in Toronto before he moved here. Although I don’t like anyone to be upset, its good to see the emotions in him rising to the surface. He’s spent so much time stuffing his feelings inside, and that has led to some pretty weird behaviour on his part.
I’m ok with him crying, being upset. He thinks he’s a big softy but I really like when people (men OR women) are able to cry and express their feelings. Makes them seem more human, and makes me feel less wacky. I’m a big cryer.. I cry at everything. I was labelled crybaby at a young age, and I still earn the rights for that nickname. Except now I proudly wear the label, and when I was young I hated that people teased me about that.
Gotta go put some cold washcloths on my eyes. They're all puffy.
1 comment:
Heya
While Erin's death is tragic, and no doubt C will be upset, it's good that he's letting himself go through the emotions.
You ask where those innocent times were? Well, I wonder sometimes, now, if they were all that innocent. We were kids, and not really aware of all the horrors of the world at the time.
When we were little, the Vietnam war was still going on .. it wouldn't end until five years after you were born. There were terrorist attacks .. in Lebanon, in Algeria .. the US hostages in Iran were held for over a year, and dozens of service personnel died trying to rescue them. There was Three-Mile Island, the Challenger disaster, the Bhopal chemical spill in India, Chernobyl, the Air India bombing, the Lockerbie bombing .. all of these happened before we got out of highschool.
I think a lot is perspective .. we see the world differently now, as adults. And, unfortunately, as adults, some of the unavoidable crap of everyday life will hit closer to home.
I don't think the world has changed so much as we have ..
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