Tis the season....

To be bummed out.

Christmas bums me out so much. Everything bad happens at Christmas. I just found out at noon today that a friend of my husband's killed herself last week. She too was suffering PPD after her daughter was born. I guess hers went on a long time (since 2003) and she eventually succumbed. People dont realize how lethal an illness depression can be. I wish I'd called them. I wish I'd had more energy in my own PPD recovery to reach out to someone else. I didnt know them that well, so I didnt feel comfortable doing so, but you can be sure that right now I'm beating myself up for not trying at least.

I feel awful right now. I'm shaking, I have a headache, I'm choking back tears, and I feel nauseated. I know that the only difference between me and her was that I got help, the right help, and she obviously didn't. Now there's one more little child, her daughter, without a mother. Another child like me who will grow up thinking her parent (in my case it was my father) didn't even care enough about me to want to be alive. My dad, fortuntely, was never successful in any of his suicide attempts, but the effects of them were the same. A feeling of worthlessness due to complete lack of validation by a parent.

My home life growing up was ANYTHING but jolly and bright. My dad had so many "issues" that they coloured everything. Christmas for me was full of anxiety, anger, walking on eggshells, listening to my dad vent and rage, and watch him so clearly uncomfortable around us, trying too hard, wobbling between extreme, over the top, slightly "put on" joy, while the rest of us wanted to go off to our rooms and hide. Sure, there were some good times. But we never knew how long they were going to last. Until dad had another "episode" I guess.

One year was all about my dad NOT dealing with his mental problems and his addictions and watching him fall so far off the wagon that he was arrested for DUI and his car impounded. Merry friggin Christmas to us. I think it was the day before Christmas Eve that my mom and I had to drive up to the police station in another town nearby to bail out his car. What was worse (as if that wasn't bad enough) he was so mad at himself and so feeilng sorry for himself that he pretty much sat in the basement the whole Christmas and barely talked to any of us. When he did, he screamed and yelled and vented. Great. Ho Ho friggin Ho.

All kinds of rotten things have usually happened at Christmas. My grandfather's death. My dad's arrest for DUI. Finding out my uncle had an affair with my aunt. A friend of mine was killed in a plane crash. I fell down some stairs and severely injured my pelvis. My cat was diagnosed with terminal cancer. No wonder I just want to bury my head under my pillow and wake up in January.

Also this is my last full week working in a group that I REALLY liked working in. I joined my current work team in 2002 and really enjoyed it. A few months ago I was told, with no ifs, ands or buts about it, that I and my small team of 5 (some are on leave right now though) will be transferred to another branch as of January 2007. I'm still really upset about it. No consideration was given of how this might affect us, our work, the files, anything. And I was given no offer to stay on here and choose another file. I can understand possibly the file going, but why me? The people involved in the transfer did not even talk to me about ANYTHING, they dont know me from a hole in the ground, but they had their minds made up that this was the best move for "everyone concerned" - whatever that means?

Today there were people in here, scoping out the building. I guess we're all moving -but to where? We were told there's no space in the main building and we're to stay here for the time being. We're also told that there's new people coming in who don't know about those of us who have to stay. This is getting ridiculous!

My work environment is definitely bumming me out. Besides the transfer and possible move (which we were not expecting until march) there are people deliberately going against our recommendations on things. Now we don't just recommend things, we interpret mandatory government obligations on certain topics. I SWEAR people deliberately go out of their way to thwart us. We didnt make this stuff up.. this is declared obligatory by the Federal Government. We're just the follow-through people. Are we adults or are we five year olds here?

I'm still just getting my head around last month too. The 1 year anniversary of my dad's death. Its still so weird to start my Christmas shopping list, and have one usual row blank. I always used to start my list with Mom, Dad, Chris.. and yep.. the line for Dad is so obvious by its omission.

I also had a spat with my husband this morning. I swear sometimes we argue just for arguing sake. Sometimes he just deliberately goes out of his way to NOT do what I suggest, because I'm sure he sees me as some authority figure. I'm NOT. I do have some knowledge and opinions just as any other adult human being out there, and I do hope that I am a bit more important to him than almost any other person out there, and perhaps that might make him take my suggestions with a bit more weight. But it doesn't. It often contaminates my intentions, it, like somehow I'm just out there to CONTROL him, to push him around, and by God he'll NOT take that from anyone let alone his wife! Its so demoralizing. Kind of like my work situation. Very dehumanizing and frustrating.

Also my daughter is sick again with a bad head/chest cold. She gets croupy coughs at night that keep her awake. Poor baby. I hate when she gets sick. She doesn't sleep well and it keeps us all up. I also worry so much - she's so tiny and that cough sounds awful coming from that itty bitty baby body. I hope she gets well soon.

And I crashed my car last week and its still in the shop. I hope it gets fixed soon. So far the repairs are estimated to cost $250.00. I hope the bent rim and the massive alignment problem is all that they find. It's a pain in the butt to go back to only one car.

Merry Christmas and Bah Humbug. I hope I feel better after I get some work deadlines done at least. If my books and computer don't get packed up and moved when I'm not looking.