You know who I am

So..

The insomnia got out of control in December. The depression and anxiety came back with a vengeance. I knew I had a problem when I went to my office Christmas party and spent more time in the bathroom crying than upstairs with my colleagues.

So I caved and started taking medication. Unfortunately I was self-medicating for awhile this fall with a few painkillers I had left over from an unfortunate burn accident. When those ran out I realized I had a serious problem.

I started medication under the supervision of a psychiatrist in mid December. Ciprolax in the morning, Seroquel and Imovane at night to sleep.

The anxiety seems to be in check now, which is good, but I still can't sleep without additional medication. But I can sleep with the night time medication and it's good.

I hate to admit that I have a mood disorder, but I do. Yep, I'm officially in the category of "mentally ill". I have had classic symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder since I was about 3. These symptoms have gradually gotten worse over my lifetime until they hit a crisis point after Abby's birth. I have been working awfully hard to keep these symptoms in check since I stopped taking medication before having Xavier.

Some of the things I can't do when I'm on this medication: Drink alcohol, stay up late, eat excessive amounts of junk food, and fly airplanes (yes I used to have a pilot's license).

I don't know how I will explain this to people the next time I'm out for dinner or at a party (not like that happens frequently, but it does on occasion). I just have to level with my friends I guess, and tell them the truth. That I have a health problem, I take medication, and I can't drink or stay up late. I rarely drank anyhow because of this problem so I might as well bite the bullet and tell them the truth.

I'm thankful for having my life back, though. It feels good to be normal. I've spent so much of my life wracked with phobias, insomnia, excessive worry, and an inability to relax. It feels good to finally unwind.

I just hate to admit I have an illness like this.