The third anniversary of my dad's death has come and gone. And my anxiety is worse than ever. I don't know if its related, but its possible. For most of last week, just as I tried to drift off to sleep, I awoke with a jolt and a big fat panic attack that took hours to resolve. And on those nights that I didn't have a scary attack, I was just too keyed up, my heart was racing too fast, my thoughts racing, and I just couldn't settle down. The fact that one or both of my kids get up at 5:00 am most mornings doesn't help when you can't get to sleep until well after midnight, or later. There's no such thing as sleeping in anymore.
Having a baby and a 3 year old is tough enough, however, without much sleep its impossible. I'd hoped that this year I'd be able to have Abby home with me some days, but I just don't know how I can do it, safely without sleep. I hate that my anxiety and depression has robbed me of my mat leave with her, and now it's robbing me of some time that I thought I'd be able to have with her, to get some of that "mommy time" back that I couldn't give her back then because I was too sick.
I hate that I have to rely on C so much just to cope these days. Lord knows he's got enough on his plate lately, training for a new job and an improved income so we don't go into debt with 2 kids in daycare next year. Lord also knows he's already had to go the extra mile a million times already since we've been married, due to my anxiety and depression. I hate that this is so hard on him.
I hate taking drugs to sleep, but that's what I've had to do for weeks now. I hate that my dad also had this issue, and he's now dead, and that leaves me to wonder if his fate (dead of a heart attack at 62) will also be mine. He had depression and anxiety, so do I. We both struggled to get enough restful sleep in order to function. I have been struggling for years on this, and I don't know what to do. I've taken every antidepressant known to mankind and found either they made me so dehydrated I couldn't get comfortable in bed (dry mouth, had to pee all night) or they gave me insomnia, which is the stupid problem I'm trying to fix in the first place.
At least now I realize I don't really have an insomnia problem, but really an anxiety problem. When the anxiety is not tearing me apart, I sleep quite well. But for most of my life, most days, have been a battle against the monster anxiety.
I hate that.
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I have anxiety too (as does my father). Mine doesn't often manifest itself as insomnia, although it does sometimes. But do understand how frustrating it is when your physiology works independently of your rational thinking.
My mind knows everything is fine, meanwhile my body is in full fight-or-flight mode. The roughest symptom for me, is that I can start crying a the slightest provocation. On more than one occasion, I've had to say to someone, "I'm probably going to start bawling. Try to ignore it."
Anyway, I have no advice or anything. You probably know a lot more about anxiety than I do. But I wanted you to know that I understand a little of what you're dealing with. You're doing a great job.
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