On Sept 4 I start a new job. It's not a huge change as I already know half the people in my new group. The subject matter is completely new though, and I'm a bit intimidated. There will be some travel, international travel, and I'm a bit scared about that. With the crises going on in the Middle East, I'm a little nervous about travelling to Egypt, in particular. I hope that aspect of the job has wrapped up for now and I'll be able to restrict my travelling to North America and Europe. For the next 12 months it appears thats where I'll be focussing.
I've just been up to my new office, setting up my cube. I'm pretty excited about the change I'm finding. I'm happy, there's a spring in my step. Looking forward to new challenges, intellectual discussions, and challenging my egg-headed-cranium. I hope I dont get too petrified about the travel.
I'm saying goodbye to a file and a job that has been nothing but misery for 14 months. I've tried to make it work, but it's been too much of a challenge. I was put in an acting managerial position but not given the opportunity to be fully staffed. When the remaining staff left, I was on my own. When I indicated to my boss that I was leaving, then suddenly the crisis became a crisis.. because it was now HIS crisis. Why was this not a crisis when it was MY crisis?
I'm tired of working in an environment in which I'm not given an opportunity to speak, provide input, have open discussions, and criticized for everything I do. I'm tired of having a boss who has an anger management problem. I'm used to being able to become a real expert in a particular subject, being recognized for it, and being able to provide advice and recommendations. I certainly don't expect management to take every recommendation and run with it, but the opposite extreme, where I have to be mute and servile, just doesn't work for me.
I hope that changes.
On to new things.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Goodbyes.. and she doesnt even know what it means.
In 48 hours, our across-the-street neighbours are moving away. They are transplanted Newfies who have managed to find a way back to The Rock. I wish them well. Having visited NFLD only once I can totally understand why people from there would want to move back.
When my hubby and I moved into our house, one of the boys across the street was just over 12 months old, and the other one was not quite born. Now they are two wild and crazy boys, one is 3 and the other one is 4. My daughter has been going to daycare with them for 14 months. She just loves them. And I do too.
What's she going to do without them? Or is the question really, what am I going to do without them? Or is this issue really not about them, but about me? And all about this tapping into my previous experiences of loss? And my own fears about not having Cynthia to ask for advice on everything from daycare to managing grief?
When I was 10 years old my parents moved from Belleville to Brockville. It was an awful age to move. I had so many good friends that I'd been with since kindergarten. I missed them all so terribly. Its only been through luck and facebook that I've been able to track some of them down again. I dont think I've ever gotten over that move. I had visions at that time of my little friends and I being together always. And alas, it was not meant to be.
Since living here in Ottawa and having my daughter, and my horrible experiences over the past two years since my daughter was born, I really relied on the advice and experience of my neighbours, most of whom also have small children, for advice on everything from dealing with a newborn, up to daycare issues. I was so grateful to have that common bond, especially with the folks across the street. It took a load off my mind to know that we had one common daycare provider. It gave me a bit more "experience" to draw upon, experience with something I had absolutely no idea how to manage.
Good luck Cynthia, Luke, Aidan and Steven. I'll miss you.
When my hubby and I moved into our house, one of the boys across the street was just over 12 months old, and the other one was not quite born. Now they are two wild and crazy boys, one is 3 and the other one is 4. My daughter has been going to daycare with them for 14 months. She just loves them. And I do too.
What's she going to do without them? Or is the question really, what am I going to do without them? Or is this issue really not about them, but about me? And all about this tapping into my previous experiences of loss? And my own fears about not having Cynthia to ask for advice on everything from daycare to managing grief?
When I was 10 years old my parents moved from Belleville to Brockville. It was an awful age to move. I had so many good friends that I'd been with since kindergarten. I missed them all so terribly. Its only been through luck and facebook that I've been able to track some of them down again. I dont think I've ever gotten over that move. I had visions at that time of my little friends and I being together always. And alas, it was not meant to be.
Since living here in Ottawa and having my daughter, and my horrible experiences over the past two years since my daughter was born, I really relied on the advice and experience of my neighbours, most of whom also have small children, for advice on everything from dealing with a newborn, up to daycare issues. I was so grateful to have that common bond, especially with the folks across the street. It took a load off my mind to know that we had one common daycare provider. It gave me a bit more "experience" to draw upon, experience with something I had absolutely no idea how to manage.
Good luck Cynthia, Luke, Aidan and Steven. I'll miss you.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I slept for TWENTY MINUTES last night
I'm freekin exhausted. 20 minutes? How am I managing to still be alive? This after only sleeping 3 hours the night before...
This has to be a new record for me.
Please pray for sleep for me... throw sheep at me, knock me out with a brick.. something!!!
This has to be a new record for me.
Please pray for sleep for me... throw sheep at me, knock me out with a brick.. something!!!
Monday, August 20, 2007
Let go and let God...
I'm still twisting over not being pregnant this month. And being 37 years old. And petrified of the "risks" of an "older pregnancy", the increased risks of infertility despite having a wonderful child already....
I have to learn to let this go. Otherwise I'm afraid it will destroy me and everything that I love. I have to find a way to remember how I felt back in 2000 - in a time when despite having NOTHING, I was really really happy.
I tend to get so complacent sometimes, and overestimate my influence on my own life. I start to think that all that I have is my own doing, and I forget that so many life outcomes, the REALLY important ones anyhow, whether they be life, death, birth, marriage, a new job, fortune or poverty - so many things happen in our life that are out of our control.
We have *some* control over the minor ones - such as whether or not one becomes a nurse, a truck driver, or some other profession, but even then, there still are things that happen that are out of our control. Whether our chosen profession has a financial downturn, whether our company goes out of business, whether we get transferred to a work unit that's being led by an angry, abusive control freak, or whether we are the victim of some other kind of workplace restructuring, who knows. These things are out of our control.
For most of my life I worked really hard to try and control things. TOO hard. For years I tried to "drive" the process of finding a relationship, of developing a career, of making friends, etc. All with little success.
In the relationship arena, for about 15 years, I met guys that were not right for me, and stuck with them for years. I tried to "make it work" when it was plain to see to everyone but my blind self that the situation I was in wasn't good for me. And I was miserable. But I tried and tried, busted my butt.... and at despite trying SO hard, at age 31 everything fell apart. I was over 30, single, jobless, homeless and hopeless.
That situation was so painful for me that I had no choice but to turn that situation over to God, and accept that what might happen in my life was not necessarily what I (thought I) wanted. I had to accept that there was a very real chance that I might not meet anyone, or if I did, by the time it happened, I'd be too old to have the family that I always dreamed of. Once I accepted that maybe God had a different plan for me than I thought I did... and maybe I should stop fighting it... it ALL happened exactly the way I wanted it to. Things became very easy. I met the man I eventually married, I found an amazing house the first day we looked, I got pregnant the first time I tried.
I thought I had the secret of life figured out and now I was on a roll.
And then came the birth of my daughter, the physical and emotional fall out of that, and subsequently, the sudden death of my father. After a string of good luck, some really painful things again. The one thing that I'd spent so much of my life waiting to have - a family - was cruelly, the one thing that was making my life extremely unbearable. I was suffering severely from postpartum depression, and then I suffered a second major blow of losing my father. And a third blow upon my return to work a year later - being transferred from a unit I really liked to one that was severely dysfunctional and crippling to my self esteem.
My lessons to learn now? I'm still figuring them out. While I do believe that God did have a hand in the happy AND painful life events, maybe sometimes God's hand doesn't always deliver good things. Perhaps the faith I'd developed years before helped me to bridge those difficult life transitions..
Perhaps God wanted all of us affected by these major changes to take a path we never would have if my daughter had not been born and my father had not died...
Who knows. The reasons for these recent painful "hand of God" actions are not yet revealed.
But... as I start to twist and stress over a second pregnancy, I am definitely forgetting the lessons that all of this experience has taught me. Back in 2000, I was so destitute, that "turning it over to God"... was all I could do. I had NOTHING at that point in my life. No job, no home, no relationship - I was living out of a few boxes and an IKEA wardrobe-on-wheels in my brother's living room, sleeping on his living room futon. But at that point in my life, I really learned to be happy. Despite having nothing, I was happier with myself and my life than I'd been, I think EVER.
And it was when I finally became HAPPY, that everything I said I wanted just started to appear. Maybe I was destined to have the things that I wanted.... but God had to reassert Himself in my life as a strong reminder that these things are NOT of my own doing, but of HIS.
Now that some time has passed, I'm making the mistake of again trying to CONTROL everything. Whether or not I manage to get pregnant and have another baby is just dominating my mind. I'm tormented over it. I'm not sleeping. I'm obsessing. I'm having a hard time thinking of anything else. I've definitely forgotten the lessons I learned back in the time when I had nothing. I have so much more than I did back then, yet I'm not very happy. How could I have forgotten all that I learned?
In hindsight, since 2000, everything that has happened to me has definitely had the hand of God in it.
Meeting my best childhood friend, who I eventually married, by the checkout aisle in a grocery store after not seeing him for 20 odd years? Hand of God.
Finding a great house the first day we were looking? Hand of God.
Getting pregnant on our wedding night and having an amazing daughter in my life? Hand of God.
Losing my dad suddenly and shockingly? Not pleasant, but still, the Hand of God.
Not all of God's interventions in my life lately have been pleasant, but I know God meant me to go through them in order to get closer to Him. And right now, I'm foolishly pushing God away. I'm stupidly trying to be the big guy.. trying to play God.
I'm now twisting in agony, trying to figure out the "right window" for getting pregnant...
I'm reading waay too much online information about "pregnancy over 35"..
I'm reading up on the right kind of ovulation predictor kits..
I'm reading copious quantities of literature on the "fertility risks" of being over 35...
I'm twisting up with worry that my new job will send me halfway around the world during one of my last few precious opportunities to get pregnant before the age-door slams shut on my ovaries...
I'm insanely and insecurely bugging everyone I know for that "reassurance" that I'll get pregnant, have a healthy second child and everything will be okay..
But who knows? Who really knows?
And again, I'm not sleeping. Despite all the wonderful things that God HAS delivered to me. Here I am, worrying about things that may or may not happen, trying to direct everything. Getting all twisted up again, to the point of not sleeping and not enjoying my life. Life is truly the biggest gift that God has given me. Who the h*(&) do I think I am to not appreciate this gift?
My dear, you have to stop trying to BE God... let go.. and let God!
I have to learn to let this go. Otherwise I'm afraid it will destroy me and everything that I love. I have to find a way to remember how I felt back in 2000 - in a time when despite having NOTHING, I was really really happy.
I tend to get so complacent sometimes, and overestimate my influence on my own life. I start to think that all that I have is my own doing, and I forget that so many life outcomes, the REALLY important ones anyhow, whether they be life, death, birth, marriage, a new job, fortune or poverty - so many things happen in our life that are out of our control.
We have *some* control over the minor ones - such as whether or not one becomes a nurse, a truck driver, or some other profession, but even then, there still are things that happen that are out of our control. Whether our chosen profession has a financial downturn, whether our company goes out of business, whether we get transferred to a work unit that's being led by an angry, abusive control freak, or whether we are the victim of some other kind of workplace restructuring, who knows. These things are out of our control.
For most of my life I worked really hard to try and control things. TOO hard. For years I tried to "drive" the process of finding a relationship, of developing a career, of making friends, etc. All with little success.
In the relationship arena, for about 15 years, I met guys that were not right for me, and stuck with them for years. I tried to "make it work" when it was plain to see to everyone but my blind self that the situation I was in wasn't good for me. And I was miserable. But I tried and tried, busted my butt.... and at despite trying SO hard, at age 31 everything fell apart. I was over 30, single, jobless, homeless and hopeless.
That situation was so painful for me that I had no choice but to turn that situation over to God, and accept that what might happen in my life was not necessarily what I (thought I) wanted. I had to accept that there was a very real chance that I might not meet anyone, or if I did, by the time it happened, I'd be too old to have the family that I always dreamed of. Once I accepted that maybe God had a different plan for me than I thought I did... and maybe I should stop fighting it... it ALL happened exactly the way I wanted it to. Things became very easy. I met the man I eventually married, I found an amazing house the first day we looked, I got pregnant the first time I tried.
I thought I had the secret of life figured out and now I was on a roll.
And then came the birth of my daughter, the physical and emotional fall out of that, and subsequently, the sudden death of my father. After a string of good luck, some really painful things again. The one thing that I'd spent so much of my life waiting to have - a family - was cruelly, the one thing that was making my life extremely unbearable. I was suffering severely from postpartum depression, and then I suffered a second major blow of losing my father. And a third blow upon my return to work a year later - being transferred from a unit I really liked to one that was severely dysfunctional and crippling to my self esteem.
My lessons to learn now? I'm still figuring them out. While I do believe that God did have a hand in the happy AND painful life events, maybe sometimes God's hand doesn't always deliver good things. Perhaps the faith I'd developed years before helped me to bridge those difficult life transitions..
Perhaps God wanted all of us affected by these major changes to take a path we never would have if my daughter had not been born and my father had not died...
Who knows. The reasons for these recent painful "hand of God" actions are not yet revealed.
But... as I start to twist and stress over a second pregnancy, I am definitely forgetting the lessons that all of this experience has taught me. Back in 2000, I was so destitute, that "turning it over to God"... was all I could do. I had NOTHING at that point in my life. No job, no home, no relationship - I was living out of a few boxes and an IKEA wardrobe-on-wheels in my brother's living room, sleeping on his living room futon. But at that point in my life, I really learned to be happy. Despite having nothing, I was happier with myself and my life than I'd been, I think EVER.
And it was when I finally became HAPPY, that everything I said I wanted just started to appear. Maybe I was destined to have the things that I wanted.... but God had to reassert Himself in my life as a strong reminder that these things are NOT of my own doing, but of HIS.
Now that some time has passed, I'm making the mistake of again trying to CONTROL everything. Whether or not I manage to get pregnant and have another baby is just dominating my mind. I'm tormented over it. I'm not sleeping. I'm obsessing. I'm having a hard time thinking of anything else. I've definitely forgotten the lessons I learned back in the time when I had nothing. I have so much more than I did back then, yet I'm not very happy. How could I have forgotten all that I learned?
In hindsight, since 2000, everything that has happened to me has definitely had the hand of God in it.
Meeting my best childhood friend, who I eventually married, by the checkout aisle in a grocery store after not seeing him for 20 odd years? Hand of God.
Finding a great house the first day we were looking? Hand of God.
Getting pregnant on our wedding night and having an amazing daughter in my life? Hand of God.
Losing my dad suddenly and shockingly? Not pleasant, but still, the Hand of God.
Not all of God's interventions in my life lately have been pleasant, but I know God meant me to go through them in order to get closer to Him. And right now, I'm foolishly pushing God away. I'm stupidly trying to be the big guy.. trying to play God.
I'm now twisting in agony, trying to figure out the "right window" for getting pregnant...
I'm reading waay too much online information about "pregnancy over 35"..
I'm reading up on the right kind of ovulation predictor kits..
I'm reading copious quantities of literature on the "fertility risks" of being over 35...
I'm twisting up with worry that my new job will send me halfway around the world during one of my last few precious opportunities to get pregnant before the age-door slams shut on my ovaries...
I'm insanely and insecurely bugging everyone I know for that "reassurance" that I'll get pregnant, have a healthy second child and everything will be okay..
But who knows? Who really knows?
And again, I'm not sleeping. Despite all the wonderful things that God HAS delivered to me. Here I am, worrying about things that may or may not happen, trying to direct everything. Getting all twisted up again, to the point of not sleeping and not enjoying my life. Life is truly the biggest gift that God has given me. Who the h*(&) do I think I am to not appreciate this gift?
My dear, you have to stop trying to BE God... let go.. and let God!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Wishing on someone else's star
I guess I must be wishin on someone else's star
It seems like someone else keeps getting what I'm wishin for
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?
I guess I must be wishin on someone else's star,
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?
Oh I guess I must be wishin on someone else's star...
Ok I dont know who wrote this song originally but its pretty relevant today.
I'm not pregnant. I thought I was. I was sure I was.
We conceived Abby the first time we tried. Not so this time.
All the old fears of being "too old" are now flaring up, I'm having a hard time not crying today. Many of my younger friends had no problems concieving first time they tried, for ALL their kids. Being younger, they also have the luxury of not feeling like they have a biological gun to their heads if it doesnt work out for a few months. Me? Not so much luxury.
What's coming to mind today is the pain I felt when I was dumped 2 days after my 30th birthday. I tried so hard to hold onto that relationship, to make it work. I know he was NOT the right person.. why the hell did I stick around so long? Why did I think that was going to work? Why did I waste precious time?
Don't get me wrong. I dont want to paint a picture of NOT being grateful for wha I have. I am extremely lucky that things worked out the way they did for now... and I'm EXTREMELY grateful for having a great husband and one amazing child in my life. But I can't help thinking, because of circumstances, and my age, that I may not ever have the family I dreamed of. The day I was dumped back in 2000, I saw the faces of my little boy and a little girl in my mind, and that day, they disappeared. It was the saddest vision I'd seen in my whole life. I managed to "save" the little girl, but what about her brother?
I'm going to be 38 in January. Many people will say "you're not too old" but all medical information states that there's a significant drop in female fertility at age 37.
Again, I know i'm not too old, but the chance that baby #2 may not come along is definitely higher than for a younger woman.
I hope it all works. I guess God will deliver what is meant to be.
But Today I can't help feeling really sad.
It seems like someone else keeps getting what I'm wishin for
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?
I guess I must be wishin on someone else's star,
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?
Oh I guess I must be wishin on someone else's star...
Ok I dont know who wrote this song originally but its pretty relevant today.
I'm not pregnant. I thought I was. I was sure I was.
We conceived Abby the first time we tried. Not so this time.
All the old fears of being "too old" are now flaring up, I'm having a hard time not crying today. Many of my younger friends had no problems concieving first time they tried, for ALL their kids. Being younger, they also have the luxury of not feeling like they have a biological gun to their heads if it doesnt work out for a few months. Me? Not so much luxury.
What's coming to mind today is the pain I felt when I was dumped 2 days after my 30th birthday. I tried so hard to hold onto that relationship, to make it work. I know he was NOT the right person.. why the hell did I stick around so long? Why did I think that was going to work? Why did I waste precious time?
Don't get me wrong. I dont want to paint a picture of NOT being grateful for wha I have. I am extremely lucky that things worked out the way they did for now... and I'm EXTREMELY grateful for having a great husband and one amazing child in my life. But I can't help thinking, because of circumstances, and my age, that I may not ever have the family I dreamed of. The day I was dumped back in 2000, I saw the faces of my little boy and a little girl in my mind, and that day, they disappeared. It was the saddest vision I'd seen in my whole life. I managed to "save" the little girl, but what about her brother?
I'm going to be 38 in January. Many people will say "you're not too old" but all medical information states that there's a significant drop in female fertility at age 37.
Again, I know i'm not too old, but the chance that baby #2 may not come along is definitely higher than for a younger woman.
I hope it all works. I guess God will deliver what is meant to be.
But Today I can't help feeling really sad.
Friday, August 10, 2007
I'm FREE!!!!
I had a discussion with my potential new employer... it appears their travel budget has been cut so there is not as much international travel. They have to be a lot more choosy about where they go and how often.
In addition, they have a good idea of the travel requirements and work schedule for the next 12 months. And luckily, many of the upcoming meetings are going to be in Canada (WOO HOO!! Montreal!!)
I'm looking at 1-3 international trips (2-4 days to Mexico - recommended but not mandatory), Viet Nam (1 week - optional) and Germany (10 days - mandatory) in 12 months. There will also likely be 2 domestic trips (Toronto? Vancouver?) and 3 to Montreal.
Sounds good to me!
My other concern was overtime. I know that sometimes these trade jobs can be really tedious and demanding. However, with respect to overtime, my manager said that he doesnt' work much if any overtime. He also stated that the current staff component and "vibe" is a lot more laid back than it's been in years, and also they all work as a team. The big boss is pretty laid back and doesn't get too uptight if someone can't work overtime or go on a particular trip. The manager indicated that everyone really gets along and they have the capacity to cover for each other in times of overload.
So on that note, in my mind yesterday I said YES! And I notified the manager this morning!
And last night, I had the best sleep I've had in MONTHS!!!! WOOO!!!
I'm so happy!!!!!!
In addition, they have a good idea of the travel requirements and work schedule for the next 12 months. And luckily, many of the upcoming meetings are going to be in Canada (WOO HOO!! Montreal!!)
I'm looking at 1-3 international trips (2-4 days to Mexico - recommended but not mandatory), Viet Nam (1 week - optional) and Germany (10 days - mandatory) in 12 months. There will also likely be 2 domestic trips (Toronto? Vancouver?) and 3 to Montreal.
Sounds good to me!
My other concern was overtime. I know that sometimes these trade jobs can be really tedious and demanding. However, with respect to overtime, my manager said that he doesnt' work much if any overtime. He also stated that the current staff component and "vibe" is a lot more laid back than it's been in years, and also they all work as a team. The big boss is pretty laid back and doesn't get too uptight if someone can't work overtime or go on a particular trip. The manager indicated that everyone really gets along and they have the capacity to cover for each other in times of overload.
So on that note, in my mind yesterday I said YES! And I notified the manager this morning!
And last night, I had the best sleep I've had in MONTHS!!!! WOOO!!!
I'm so happy!!!!!!
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Torn...
Ok.. as many of my friends and family know, I'm in the search for a new job. I've been really frustrated with my current position, and all the nonsense that's happened to it over the past 14 months. I've been searching for a new position, and yesterday I got an offer. Great file, great subject, interesting work, nice people, but there's one drawback. I don't know if I'm up for all the travel demands that this job could pose. Especially as my husband and I are trying to have another baby. Work while pregnant is hard. Travelling while pregnant is brutal. And excessive international travel to Asia and South America may just be impossible. And risky.
What to do?
What to do?
The little one is lost
The little one gave up on her fight for life... 5 days after her birth.
I'm so sad.
I'm so sad.
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