I guess I must be wishin on someone else's star
It seems like someone else keeps getting what I'm wishin for
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?
I guess I must be wishin on someone else's star,
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?
Oh I guess I must be wishin on someone else's star...
Ok I dont know who wrote this song originally but its pretty relevant today.
I'm not pregnant. I thought I was. I was sure I was.
We conceived Abby the first time we tried. Not so this time.
All the old fears of being "too old" are now flaring up, I'm having a hard time not crying today. Many of my younger friends had no problems concieving first time they tried, for ALL their kids. Being younger, they also have the luxury of not feeling like they have a biological gun to their heads if it doesnt work out for a few months. Me? Not so much luxury.
What's coming to mind today is the pain I felt when I was dumped 2 days after my 30th birthday. I tried so hard to hold onto that relationship, to make it work. I know he was NOT the right person.. why the hell did I stick around so long? Why did I think that was going to work? Why did I waste precious time?
Don't get me wrong. I dont want to paint a picture of NOT being grateful for wha I have. I am extremely lucky that things worked out the way they did for now... and I'm EXTREMELY grateful for having a great husband and one amazing child in my life. But I can't help thinking, because of circumstances, and my age, that I may not ever have the family I dreamed of. The day I was dumped back in 2000, I saw the faces of my little boy and a little girl in my mind, and that day, they disappeared. It was the saddest vision I'd seen in my whole life. I managed to "save" the little girl, but what about her brother?
I'm going to be 38 in January. Many people will say "you're not too old" but all medical information states that there's a significant drop in female fertility at age 37.
Again, I know i'm not too old, but the chance that baby #2 may not come along is definitely higher than for a younger woman.
I hope it all works. I guess God will deliver what is meant to be.
But Today I can't help feeling really sad.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I'm sorry you're not pregnant yet. I've been there and I know it's such a disappointment. What will be will be, but in the meantime it's a tough pill to swallow.
Maybe now that some of your job stress is lifting, your body will be in a more receptive mode.
Another thing to consider .. if you *had* had kids with a certain knucklehead ex-boyfriend from Montreal, your life would have been *much* different than it is now .. the children you may have had would *not* have been Abby.
I know that all of this is true.. but I still can't help feeling disappointed, panicky that baby #2 might not happen at all, that it's too late, i'm too old, etc. etc.
I love abby but I really want her to have a sibling... I dont want to spend the rest of my life explaining to her why she doesnt have one...
It's a totally understandable fear.
I'm an only child and I'm fine with that. Occasionally I did wish for a sibling. But my understanding is that child siblings occasionally wish their brothers/sister would go away.
That having been said, I think Abby would make a great big sister. Given the relationship you and Chris share, I can totally understand why you'd want that for her.
Post a Comment