Let go and let God...

I'm still twisting over not being pregnant this month. And being 37 years old. And petrified of the "risks" of an "older pregnancy", the increased risks of infertility despite having a wonderful child already....

I have to learn to let this go. Otherwise I'm afraid it will destroy me and everything that I love. I have to find a way to remember how I felt back in 2000 - in a time when despite having NOTHING, I was really really happy.

I tend to get so complacent sometimes, and overestimate my influence on my own life. I start to think that all that I have is my own doing, and I forget that so many life outcomes, the REALLY important ones anyhow, whether they be life, death, birth, marriage, a new job, fortune or poverty - so many things happen in our life that are out of our control.

We have *some* control over the minor ones - such as whether or not one becomes a nurse, a truck driver, or some other profession, but even then, there still are things that happen that are out of our control. Whether our chosen profession has a financial downturn, whether our company goes out of business, whether we get transferred to a work unit that's being led by an angry, abusive control freak, or whether we are the victim of some other kind of workplace restructuring, who knows. These things are out of our control.

For most of my life I worked really hard to try and control things. TOO hard. For years I tried to "drive" the process of finding a relationship, of developing a career, of making friends, etc. All with little success.

In the relationship arena, for about 15 years, I met guys that were not right for me, and stuck with them for years. I tried to "make it work" when it was plain to see to everyone but my blind self that the situation I was in wasn't good for me. And I was miserable. But I tried and tried, busted my butt.... and at despite trying SO hard, at age 31 everything fell apart. I was over 30, single, jobless, homeless and hopeless.

That situation was so painful for me that I had no choice but to turn that situation over to God, and accept that what might happen in my life was not necessarily what I (thought I) wanted. I had to accept that there was a very real chance that I might not meet anyone, or if I did, by the time it happened, I'd be too old to have the family that I always dreamed of. Once I accepted that maybe God had a different plan for me than I thought I did... and maybe I should stop fighting it... it ALL happened exactly the way I wanted it to. Things became very easy. I met the man I eventually married, I found an amazing house the first day we looked, I got pregnant the first time I tried.

I thought I had the secret of life figured out and now I was on a roll.

And then came the birth of my daughter, the physical and emotional fall out of that, and subsequently, the sudden death of my father. After a string of good luck, some really painful things again. The one thing that I'd spent so much of my life waiting to have - a family - was cruelly, the one thing that was making my life extremely unbearable. I was suffering severely from postpartum depression, and then I suffered a second major blow of losing my father. And a third blow upon my return to work a year later - being transferred from a unit I really liked to one that was severely dysfunctional and crippling to my self esteem.

My lessons to learn now? I'm still figuring them out. While I do believe that God did have a hand in the happy AND painful life events, maybe sometimes God's hand doesn't always deliver good things. Perhaps the faith I'd developed years before helped me to bridge those difficult life transitions..

Perhaps God wanted all of us affected by these major changes to take a path we never would have if my daughter had not been born and my father had not died...

Who knows. The reasons for these recent painful "hand of God" actions are not yet revealed.

But... as I start to twist and stress over a second pregnancy, I am definitely forgetting the lessons that all of this experience has taught me. Back in 2000, I was so destitute, that "turning it over to God"... was all I could do. I had NOTHING at that point in my life. No job, no home, no relationship - I was living out of a few boxes and an IKEA wardrobe-on-wheels in my brother's living room, sleeping on his living room futon. But at that point in my life, I really learned to be happy. Despite having nothing, I was happier with myself and my life than I'd been, I think EVER.

And it was when I finally became HAPPY, that everything I said I wanted just started to appear. Maybe I was destined to have the things that I wanted.... but God had to reassert Himself in my life as a strong reminder that these things are NOT of my own doing, but of HIS.

Now that some time has passed, I'm making the mistake of again trying to CONTROL everything. Whether or not I manage to get pregnant and have another baby is just dominating my mind. I'm tormented over it. I'm not sleeping. I'm obsessing. I'm having a hard time thinking of anything else. I've definitely forgotten the lessons I learned back in the time when I had nothing. I have so much more than I did back then, yet I'm not very happy. How could I have forgotten all that I learned?

In hindsight, since 2000, everything that has happened to me has definitely had the hand of God in it.

Meeting my best childhood friend, who I eventually married, by the checkout aisle in a grocery store after not seeing him for 20 odd years? Hand of God.

Finding a great house the first day we were looking? Hand of God.

Getting pregnant on our wedding night and having an amazing daughter in my life? Hand of God.

Losing my dad suddenly and shockingly? Not pleasant, but still, the Hand of God.


Not all of God's interventions in my life lately have been pleasant, but I know God meant me to go through them in order to get closer to Him. And right now, I'm foolishly pushing God away. I'm stupidly trying to be the big guy.. trying to play God.

I'm now twisting in agony, trying to figure out the "right window" for getting pregnant...
I'm reading waay too much online information about "pregnancy over 35"..
I'm reading up on the right kind of ovulation predictor kits..
I'm reading copious quantities of literature on the "fertility risks" of being over 35...
I'm twisting up with worry that my new job will send me halfway around the world during one of my last few precious opportunities to get pregnant before the age-door slams shut on my ovaries...
I'm insanely and insecurely bugging everyone I know for that "reassurance" that I'll get pregnant, have a healthy second child and everything will be okay..
But who knows? Who really knows?

And again, I'm not sleeping. Despite all the wonderful things that God HAS delivered to me. Here I am, worrying about things that may or may not happen, trying to direct everything. Getting all twisted up again, to the point of not sleeping and not enjoying my life. Life is truly the biggest gift that God has given me. Who the h*(&) do I think I am to not appreciate this gift?

My dear, you have to stop trying to BE God... let go.. and let God!