Motherhood = Scared ****less....

Is motherhood supposed to be this stressful? After a totally stressful day at work, running here and there, trying to get a mandatory Major reporting document that's due in December back on track, I have to dash off to pick up the baby early because her daycare provider has to go to the Doctor. I was looking forward to a nice quiet evening as I was already frazzled from work. I was so happy that I had little to do after the baby's asleep at 7:30 (after my usual gruelling 13 hour day).

Unfortunately, my evening peace was shattered because the baby woke up at 8:00, SCREAMING her head off.. sounding like she's choking. She couldnt, WOULDNT settle down, coughing, crying, fussing, pushing away from us, and screaming this terrible quiet, muffled scream. Her little eyes all puffed up, her breathing and sobbing jagged and scary. Its so scary when they can't talk and they get like this, you have no idea what's wrong. My anxiety levels hit the ROOF. Was she truly choking? Did she have some kind of serious illness all of a sudden? She was fine not an hour earlier.. why did she wake up? What's wrong?

We dosed her up with some baby-Motrin and tried to distract her for about 45 minutes, thinking it was her teeth (she is 15 months old and still no molars). But she kept waking up and screaming. Her times betweens scream-fits started to lengthen, and then by 9:30.. glorious silence. Of course my mind was racing "is she okay? Is she still breathing? Etc. etc..." Its awful the things that used to run through my mind as a mom with postpartum depression. When you're mired in PPD, the preoccupation with the safety of your child becomes crippling, so much so that you won't leave the house most days, leading to reinforcing the horrendous isolation that new mothers often feel. Its so hard to convince myself that everything's going to be okay after that experience, as well as the shocking sudden loss of my father (He died laying on the couch no less! What could be more safe than that?)

I've become so preoccupied with the safety of my remaining loved ones that its crippling sometimes. I still feel it wake me up in the middle of the night, snatch me out of an almost-asleep state and render me in tears. I feel so much anxiety so often as I fear so much another major loss at this time in my life. I wasn't ready to lose my dad at age 35.. I'm certainly not ready to lose anyone else anytime soon.

Last night I finally calmed down enough (with the use of a tiny bit of medication) to get to bed by 11:30 (2 hours well after my usual bed time) and woke up at 4am, anxious as hell. I managed to fall back asleep from 6-7 and I've had the shakes (my husband calls them the "piggly wigglies") ever since. I teetered and tottered around this morning, getting the baby ready for daycare, and headed out into the foggy morning.

Its now 8:45 and I'm already exhausted. I've got two big meetings today and a yoga class tonight. Wish me luck.

P