Friday zombie

Ok. I officially had a super crap sleep last night, the first time in a long time. It was hot, despite the air conditioning, and my lower back was aching like crazy. I cant find anywhere comfortable to sleep. The pain even permeated my drug-induced semi-coma that I require these days to sleep.

I had a bad stair-fall accident about 10 years ago and I crushed my pelvis and tailbone. It hurt so bad I just about passed out. I didn't break anything but I sure did bruise everything in there and its never felt quite right since. Its always painful since that time - either slightly or majorly (such as last night). Being pregnant and gaining all that weight last year certainly didnt help the region either. Back to the last "twenty" or so pounds....

I dont know what happens when you just bruise bones, but I think there's some new lumps and bumps down there in the joints and some nerves are some irritated. It hurts really really badly some days.

So, I did manage to fall sleep at 10:30 but was awake at 4am. Couldnt get back to sleep. Pain was intense. So I ruminated about work, my worries about all the changes, what if I get stuck in a dead end position where I can't grow and then I can't get a better job someday, what if my new managers/directors dont see me as the capable and smart person that I know I am and I get a job thats not very challenging or career promoting, etc. etc.

The bone pain was still pretty tremendous by 5:30 so I broke down and took two muscle relaxants. I couldnt wake up and was late for work.

I worry about work because I'm the main breadwinner in my family. I'm in a kind of reversal family situation, I make about 3x my husband's salary so I can't afford to get in a position where I'm underperforming, frustrated, dead-ended. Well I guess I could, but it might be awfully unpleasant and frustrating.

Why do I worry about such stupidity when I know there are people out there with bigger things to worry about in this world? Like life and death. The unrest in Lebanon. Leafs vs. Sens (kidding!)

I think the situation at work is triggering something painful from my past that I fear being repeated. It may be due to the fact that I've lived a life where many people have pegged me to be something and someone different than I really am. And I've paid dearly for it in tears and heartbreak. I'm a nice person, very nice, but some people have concluded otherwise. Why, I dont know. I'm pretty direct about some things, and I don't kiss butt very well, and I can be very very shy sometimes, especially if I dont know someone very well. I've also had depression, which has not always made me the easiest person to get along with, but that was not me. That was the illness.

Also on a few occasions in the past, I've also been chased by some guys I wasn't interested in, and when I had to tell them so, they really turned on me. Nasty. Huge anger problems. Stalker city. Very scary. I think in a way I learned to stay distant from people as a result of those experiences. So, maybe as a result, some people have made me into a cold fish, or even a monster, and really hurt me because of it(ex- boyfriends, you know who you are). . When all I really wanted was to love and be loved. Plain and simple.

I like to think I'm also pretty smart cookie, and many people tell me that I am. I feel I can contribute a lot to the workplace, my community, my country, the world, but I'm not in a position of power. I'm in a position where I need a benevolent manager or director to allow that to happen. And I'm worried that might not happen, but I'm not in a position to feel comfortable moving elsewhere. I worry about not finding a group that is family-supportive, that is, patient if I have to come in late or leave early some days because of my daughter's daycare schedule, or be patient with my extreme tiredness if I've been up all night tending a sick child. I have wanted a family for so long, and I'm really happy to have one, but I dont want it to be a career liability. Especially as I'm the mom, AND the main breadwinner.

Why do men with kids not fall into the realm of having made "career-limiting choices" but women do? My husband is as nurturing and as "motherly" as I am towards our child, and he has had to make a lot of workplace adjustments to care for her as well, yet I'm sure his coworkers and his boss don't see him being a new dad as being career limiting. Then again the career he's in is self-limiting anyhow!

Bah, I should stop ranting and raving and appreciate what I do have. Its harder though, when I'm so tired.

Praying for sleep.