First post (or first past the post?)

Well. Everyone has always said that I was a good writer, so now I've got the opportunity to share that gift with the whole online world. My writing skills, however, pale in comparison to the witty musings of my husband, however, who could probably write a best selling novel, if he wanted to. But he doesn't. He's an advertising writer right now, but not sure what he wants to do with the rest of his life. He's looking for a change.

He's very talented, very good looking, funny, and personable. He cracks me up so much. We're so goofy together. I'm so lucky to be his wife. I just wish he could see himself the way others see him. He's getting better with that, however.

As I start to fill this blog, I'm hoping that this writing will be therapeutic, and will help me unload what's been on my mind for about 30 years. I want to find whatever it is, that's stopping me from sleeping. Yes, I'm really, truly in search of sleep.

I've been an insomniac for about 20+ years now. Its always been a big deal, to get sleep. Sleep comes easily to some, but for me, it's not an easy thing for me to accomplish, and its had a major effect on my life for a long time. It hit a crisis point just after the birth of my daughter, Abby, in June 2005. I was developing a bad case of postpartum depression, and I could not sleep, despite the extreme fatigue of post-pregnancy, a brutal 36 hour labour, and weeks of sleep deprivation. I knew I had a problem when I went away to a girls cottage weekend when Abby was 2 months old, and despite a big bed all to myself, being extremely tired, and not having the baby around, I still could not sleep. I cried most of the night instead, wishing that I had enough energy to go downstairs and enjoy the crazy merriment of my friends playing stupid games in the cottage living room. But I didnt. I laid upstairs and cried.

I have had moderate to severe depression on and off since I was about 17. I didnt get it diagnosed until I was 22. My major symptom has been insomnia or parasomnia (poor sleep) and its been a real struggle to deal with. At the current time I'm on medication for sleep and for depression, I just hope that I can get off it, I'm sure I'm hooked. But its better than being depressed, thats for sure. I guess I can deal with drug withdrawal later, with the help of my own personal mental health "medical community" (I have 2 therapists, 1 psychiatrist, a very supportive therapy group, and a sympathetic family doctor).

Both the medication and the insomnia are causing problems with my weight. I was about 20 lbs heavier than I wanted to be for my wedding in 2004, and I'm even bigger now. I just cant seem to lose the last twenty pounds of extra baby weight sagging around my belly. I can't stand it. Most clothes dont fit very well when you have a round belly, wide butt and stick-legs.

The insomnia has caused a lot of health problems, namely headaches and muscle aches. Not to mention a major impact on relationships, work accomplishments, motivation and just plain ol' staying sane.

But for now, I'm sleeping, and that's good enough.