Glargh. I'm not sleeping again. I thought it was the antidepressants so I tapered down on the dosage, but still struggling to sleep. I'm so exhausted, I'm becoming such a bitch it's not funny. I've not got any more sleeping medication and I'm at a total loss on how to break this stalemate I have with Mr. Sandman.
I'm so tired and it affects everything I do. I just don't want to do anything, my insane fatigue has completely destroyed my initiative to do anything. I am becoming such a crab - I swear I don't intend to, but as soon as I open my mouth to talk to my husband, something well intentioned comes out harsher than the sound of nails on a chalkboard. I see him cringe and roll his eyes when I start to talk, and I don't blame him. I just feel so crappy. I sound so crappy. I'm becoming a crappy spouse.
My daughter has been sick lately, which has been an additional stress, on top of my already stressful working-mom life. Abby had a really bad chest cold which wound up as bacterial bronchitis. She had to stay home from daycare and I had to tend to her sick-toddler ways for a few days last week. I finally brought her into the doctor's 2 weeks ago and she was put on antibiotics for 10 days. No sooner was she finished the antibiotics she had a stomach bug. Poor little bean was barfing her guts out all over the living room on Monday night.
Last night I fell asleep halfway through the hockey game (I actually got my butt of the couch and went to bed instead of sleeping on the couch at least) and woke up at 1am, and have not been back to sleep since. I feel so crappy its not funny. I've got a chronic back problem (herniated disc during pregnancy) that is not well served by the lack of sleep that I'm suffering. Everything in my body aches and I've got no energy. So I'm sitting here, writing this post.
Some good news - both babies that I was worried about last week came through just fine. One was born healthy and happy last week, a much bigger baby than the experts thought. The other baby, the one that had to endure surgery, came through OK. She had to have an ovary and a fallopian tube removed, but the good news was the lump in her abdomen was not a tumour after all, but rather an ovarian cyst that went haywire and twisted up an ovary and a tube. The tube filled up with blood creating a giant mass in her abdomen. Its sad to know this little baby only has one tube and one ovary, but the experts say she'll be fine with one. Mother nature is amazing and she's built in duplication in many animals for a reason (two eyes, two ears, two lungs, two kidneys...)
I've been thinking a lot about my dad lately.. having very vivid dreams about him and then waking up to remember "oh yeah, he's gone" and feeling that sick, slow, painful grief-burn take over my body. That awful, horrible, crushing feeling that I got so familiar with the weeks and months immediately after his death. The pain of knowing that this was one situation that we could never, ever get out of. So then, in this phase when I've been thinking of him a lot, something weird happened yesterday - I got a letter in the mail to confirm a gift subscription to a magazine. My mom took out the subscription, but for some reason the gift card was signed "a gift subscription from Mr. P.W. Story". Maybe the credit card she used for the subscription was in my dad's name? I'm not sure. I'll have to ask her. My dad's been dead for sixteen months now, and to see his name on the card like he was somehow still alive, was shocking. My eyes welled up with tears and my throat choked up.
Most of the time I still can't believe he's gone. I still keep thinking that someday soon the tough period will be over and we'll all go back to "normal" and resume our former life. That this is just a "tough period" and once we get through it, everything will be fine. But everything with regards to my parents is not fine. It will never BE fine ever again. But my brain still thinks that I'll be able to call home and hear him pick up the phone and answer "one horse" to my question "how's it going?" (don't ask, my dad had some weird, strange, funny inside jokes, funny only to himself sometimes!) Its so hard to keep remembering that part of my life is over. Forever. We can't go back.
I still feel so lost.
The one thing that keeps me anchored though, is my little girl. She's difficult, and hilarious.
Some difficult times: she's definitely becoming a terrible two year old. Last night she was queen of "NO!", and was the master of crumpling her little body into a loose, wobbly heap whenever I tried to steer her into doing something she didnt want to do. She protested at every turn - she didnt want to come in from playing in the backyard after supper, she didnt want to get her clothes off for her bath, she didnt want to get into the bathtub... I had to pick her up so many times, yet another reason my back is vibrating in pain this morning.
Some fun times: This morning she discovered a single serving yogurt carton in the fridge that had its top peeled off (she has discovered how to do this and loves to go into the fridge and take all the tops off the yogurts). She pulled the carton out of the fridge, and then started eating it by "drinking" the yogurt out of the carton. I looked at her and she smiled (with a face full of blueberry yogurt) and said "drink! 'gurt!"
I offered her a spoon and she sat right down on the floor to eat the rest of the yogurt. The scene was even funnier as her sleeper snaps on the inside of her legs had popped open and she was pretty much sitting there wearing the top of her sleepers, bare legs, her diaper, and blueberry yogurt all over her face, hands and the kitchen floor. Her diaper was pretty full (morning diaper!) and it was barely hanging on to her little hips.
Prior to discovering the yogurt, she had been playing with a set of plastic tongs and they were right beside her on the floor. She let loose with one of her hilarious, expressive "ooooOOO!!!!" sounds and picked up the tongs, and shoved them into the yogurt. She managed to stick the tips of the tongs in the yogurt, pull them out, and lick the yogurt off. At one point she pulled out one teeny blueberry between the tongs, picked it off with her fingers, and put it in her mouth with a satisfied "yum". After a little while she looked up at me and smiled her yogurty smile, and said with serious gusto: "gurt... tongs... yummm!"
Man, what a mess. And first thing in the morning after an insomnia night. I didn't feel too good bending over to wipe up the mess off the floor. It was pretty funny though. Instead of getting mad at her for making such a mess, I admired her for using such an ingenious and creative way to eat yogurt. And of course I took photos.
Does this make me a bad mom?
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2 comments:
Hey-yaz.
A couple of things to ponder ...
Firstly .. no, things will never be 'normal', at least not before November 15, 2005. Dad is gone, and there's no going back. As you well know, I've also had some difficult times off-and-on recently. Recall me sobbing my eyes out in the basement of Blessed Sacrament after the reconciation service last Monday.
But, I think we're doing okay in managing without him. Yes, it's different, and yes he used to do a lot for us, but as you've said to me, he also instilled the capacity in us to do these things for ourselves. We need to keep the faith that we actually *have* that ability, though.
And second .. I think you're a great mom. I can say that unreservedly, and without hesitation. Abby is growing into a great, funny, bright and thriving little kid who obviously loves her parents, is friendly, sociable, generous and has boundless enthusiasm. I can't think of one person who hasn't been charmed by her and that, to me is the sign of excellent parents.
I know you and C struggle sometimes .. I suspect some of your insomnia may come from trying to find 'the answers' to all of life's great challenges and mysteries .. you and I used to have hours-long phone conversations in which you tried to do just that .. about dad, and about other people.
But sometimes, I believe it's a question of faith. Sometimes, I believe we simply can't know these answers, at least not right now. We try, we do our best from day to day, and have to believe that whatever comes, we'll manage. I know that for you, and for me, too, sometimes that's difficult .. especially in light of losing dad so suddenly, and with so much unsaid and unfinished with him .. but despite that, we *have* managed. Some days not particularly well, but we *have* managed.
So, keep the faith. I know you're doing fine. I know that Abby, despite her occaiional lapses into two-year-old-isms is a fantastic kid, and I know that both you and Clancy are together for a reason, and are both doing the veyr best you can. Be good to each other, and be good to yourselves, too.
Talk atcha later.
-- Xiz
AWWWW what a great post from my big bwudder kweese!!!!!!!!
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