I miss my old body. The one I had before I had my baby. I gained SIXTY pounds in my pregnancy and so far, in two years, I have only lost forty. The first 30 were easy to lose. And the next 10, not really that hard. But now I'm stuck on the last twenty. Actually more like they're stuck on me. Around my belly mostly. The lack of skin tone around that area since having a 9lb+ baby is not helping to keep that fat under control either. It kind of hangs and jiggles all day long, making clothes fit REALLY weird. I've also got a lot of body fat on my upper body. Its weird. I look kind of like a linebacker with skinny legs.
I"m really sick of the excess fat on my tummy. I'm having back problems because of it. I actually had back problems during pregnancy but they've not gone away on account of the belly fat I still have. I have ugly clothes because nothing really fits properly. I'm kind of normal across teh shoulders, and from my feet up to about my crotch level, but in between there are a few too many rolls.
Having this weight definitely makes me less happy to be who I am. I'm really ashamed of the way I look. I gained about 30 lbs in my 2o's and I amazingly lost it back in 2001. I looked REALLY good and was REALLY happy with my appearance. I put some back on in the early 2000's and then lost most of it before my wedding. Before pregnancy. Before my life as I knew it smashed apart.
Now I dont look much thinner than 7 years ago, when I absolutely HATED myself. I'm not so happy in my own skin right now either. Major health problems and a feeling of incapacitation during my pregnancy started me down the road to postpartum depression. But considering everything I've been through, diet and weight loss was just not in the cards for me this past year. Whether it be the antidepressants I was on (I'm sure they messed up my metabolism), my gallstones, dealing with my dad's death, or just the ongoing stress of being a newly minted, stay at home mom with easy access to a freezer full of food, I didnt lose the weight I wanted to in my first postpartum year.
So why can't I be easier on myself? I went through a lot. I am lucky that I'm up and around and mentally ok considering everything.
Why is weight loss always so diffcult for me? I used to be so happy with my appearance. Never had a weight issue. But since my mid 20's its been a battle over the last "thirty" pounds over and over again. Is it purely metabolism? Aging? Or am I really eating more crap and exercising less than I used to?
I know a lot of this has to do with anxiety. Sure I could join weightwatchers again but last time, my stress level went through the roof. Seeing as I"m just getting through a major postpartum anxiety disorder, do I really want to go back there again right now? Not really.
On that note, how do I beat this? Why does anxiety manifest itself in me as hunger pangs? Why do I robotically, unthinkingly, reach for whatever snack is in front of me?
Blah!!
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2 comments:
I do have a suggestion that might help you with finding clothes that fit.
My mom always had a little extra around the middle after I was born. Even after she lost over 40 post-divorce pounds, the belly remained. She found it really difficult to find pants, because if they fit around the waist, they were WAAAY too big in the hips/legs. Eventually she found a secret weapon: a good tailor.
If you buy clothes that fit well at your widest points, you can always have a tailor take things in around the other areas. It usually only costs around $15 and it's well worth it.
I think almost all women struggle to find clothes that fit well. I of the short legs, substantial ass but small-waist almost never find pants that fit well right off the rack.
Oh and p.s. Losing forty pounds is nothing to sneeze at. Considering everything you've been through these last couple of years, I'd say that's quite an accomplishment.
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