Give it up....

... to God. I've been so freaked out about things lately and a coworker of mine just said that to me. I forget sometimes, to let things go, and I sit and worry and clamp onto things that I really have no control over. Like whether or not my husband comes around to decide to have a second child. Whether or not I'll be even able to have a second child. Whether or not I'll have a job in five, ten, fifteen years.. what this move to a new division will mean, whether or not this or that will happen....

For so long, most of my teens, twenties I've tried to "drive" things in my life and it's always been so painful. I had a strong drive to achieve at school, to get the perfect relationship at the right time to have kids at the right age.. etc. etc.
It was always so painful and exhausting. And everything blew up anyhow. So by now, at my age, and with my recent hard training in the School of Life, I should know better than to not heed the signs that I'm trying to warp myself out of shape about something I can't control. For awhile now, in the wake of my PPD, my father's death and my health issues, I've been able to let things go, to trust, to just accept whatever comes along. To accept that God really is in charge, and that things happen on HIS time, not on ours. But recently, I've had a hard time doing that.

I have not been to Church in several months for a variety of reasons (mostly because my husband is taking a class on Sunday mornings and I don't like the thought of bringing my 17 month old toddler to Church alone - I wouldn't get much out of it). Not going to Church that often, I forget the magnitude of God's presence in my life, in everyone's life, and that not much of what we go through is really in our control. Due to so many painful and harsh realities that have been thrown in my face recently I've had to learn that, or go absolutely stark raving crazy. Or actually, I did go stark raving crazy, THEN I learned that I really have very little control over most things in my life.

I gotta keep remembering this. And waiting for the BIG signs. Maybe I've just not had the right sign yet. And maybe God wants me to wait right now. To learn obedience, to learn patience.

Stay Strong
Be Brave
Wait for the Signs

P