Its definitely fall now...

Ok, not officially, but in this northern land of ours, fall comes early. The high temperatures struggle to reach over 25'c and the nights are downright chilly. I even saw some red tinged maple leaves on the drive home from my annual girls summer cottage weekend.

I'm feeling a lot of weird, strong feelings right now. And for the most part, they're not very pleasant. A lot of significant things have happened in September. In September 1988, I moved out of my parents house - a naiive, anxious 18 year old ready to take on the world (ok that was an exaggeration - I didnt adapt well to living on my own for a long time - now part of me misses it like crazy!!!).

On Sept 11 (2001 no less), my husband and I had our first date. On September 6, 2004, we got engaged. On September 25, 2004, we got married. In September 2005, my postpartum depression hit critical mass and I was almost hospitalized. I also started to distance myself from my father, because our volatile relationship was very emotionally threatening to me at the time. Unfortunately, he died suddenly very shortly thereafter. That's a horrible pain that still haunts me. I think about how I was feeling last year at this time, mired in pain, but had no idea things were going to go from bad to worse (to even worse).

How blind I was to the pain that was right around the corner, to the loss of my father, to the illnesses and pain and surgery I was about to experience, and to the relationship turmoil that was about to get much, much worse as my husband confronted a major demon and prosecuted someone who hurt him very badly.

Returning to work after a year off has also resulted in a lot of changes on that front. I'd love to say things are wonderful and my work environment is as supportive and stimulating as it was several years ago, but I don't like to lie. Its very hard to be a working mother, to have to hold up two major roles in life, when one of them, although rewarding, is very draining by its nature (motherhood) and the other one, leaves a lot to be desired in terms of support.

I can't be drained like this in two major aspects of my life at the same time. I've spent a lot of time and a huge amount of effort digging me out of mental illness after the birth of my daughter and the death of my father, and I'm terrified of going back there. I feel this drain on my soul, my spirit and my energy every day I'm here.

One of my inspirations to start this blog (other than my H and my desire to heal from my current emotional pain) is a new friend of mine, part of a wacky group of girlfriends that I've met in recent years. I think they're a major part of why I have stayed sane during all the pain and upheaval in my life. She's been through a lot of crap the past few years and she's still going.... if she's still going, then so can I. She's got a very inspirational blog that really lit a fire under me to write my own.

Awhile back, on her blog "write soon" she posted:

"I don’t believe that a person can ever lose all hope. They may not realize that they still have the ability within and sometimes, they give up before finding it. But I think we all have within us the ability to hope and the need to trust in it. Sometimes, it takes our loved ones to find it for us.... and sometimes, it takes a whole heck of a lot of messy, terrible, bad things in our lives before we can get quiet enough to hear that ever-glowing whisper within us. But that tiny whisper can build mountains. All we have to do is have faith in it. It will do the rest."

I'm hoping you're right Kimmy, because I'm really, really scared right now.