life in the trenches

OK.. so being a second time mom I thought I'd seen it all, but my LO has been sick for 2 weeks now and on Sunday he started wheezing and working a bit harder to breathe. He's been in relatively good spirits, no fever and still eating so I wasn't too worried, but because of the wheeze I brought him into the doctors. I've been battling some kind of respiratory virus the entire month of January that landed me in the doc's a few times for pneumonia (a round of azithromycin for that one) and a big fat double ear infection (a round of amoxycillin for that one). I still can't hear out of my right ear...

Anyhoo I took him to the doc on Sunday and there's no sounds of pneumonia (lung crackles and pops) thank GOD (I am petrified of my kids getting pneumonia because I've had it, once as a kid and it was very very serious). but he does have bronchiolitis - inflammation in the smallest tubes in the lungs.

Yesterday he was wheezing worse and struggling to breathe a bit more so I brought him to the kid's hospital (CHEO - Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario) and it was an absolute zoo. There was a line up at the triage desk - there's been a massive outbreak of respiratory and gastro. viruses.. it was awful. I got there at 2:00 and didn't leave until 8pm. It was horrendous.

Xavier's oxygen saturation was a bit low (96%) so they did all kinds of treatments, epinephrine masks (twice) ventolin, and prednisone to try and get rid of the inflammation. They also suctioned his nose with this tube thing that made him scream.. I had to look away and try to be in my happy place when he was being held to the bed and screaming his little baby scream...

Man.. that ER sounds like a house of horrors all the screaming kids in there. I must have cried five times myself listening to all the misery around me.

Anyhow the wheezing seemed to be gone by 8pm so they let us go home. Today it seems to be back despite following the doctor's orders for continued puffers (ventolin and steroid) and prednisone.. tonight he coughed so hard he puked and he even had a big fat diarrhea attack in the tub (while he was in the tub with my 3 year old - great time to have their first shared bath eh?) we took him out of the tub and he proceeds to power-diarrhea all over my husband..

PLEASE GOD do not let him have a gastro. virus on top of whatever is making him cough and wheeze... I dont think I could stand having that rip through my house when my hubby is away for the weekend.

Anyhow its been a real slice of he** in the motherhood trenches. My back is killing me from lifting my 23 lb son around the ER for 8 hours. I'm totally stressed and I"m so glad my mom is coming up for a few days to help me out (my hubby is going away for the weekend and there's no way in he** i can manage 2 kids, one sick, one recovering, BOTH kids on puffers, and me with one ear still clogged and exhausted from whatever respiratory virus is making its rounds this year).

I'm not impressed mostly because an attack of bronchiolitis in infancy often means that the child will develop asthma later in life, great, my daughter has it and now my son. I've even had to label their puffers/aerochambers.. but then again ALL of us in this house have puffers now.. we all seem to get asthma after we get sick :(

I CANT WAIT FOR SPRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! virus season sucks...

Dear Lord...

Can I talk to my Dad? Please? I miss him so much. I don't understand why he has to come and live with you now and not with us. We're not done with him. He never got to meet Xavier and he barely met Abby. He has two grandchildren who would so much love to see him and play with him and that's not going to happen.

I still don't understand why my dad had to go. I mean, you probably know, but that does little for me who has to walk around every day with a broken heart. It's been over three years but some days it feels like it was just yesterday. Like this afternoon. I'm terribly worried about Xavier's cough and wheezing and I just wish I could call my dad and ask him to tell me everything's going to be OK. I never was really good at soothing myself when serious things happened, and even if my dad had NO idea if things were going to be OK he'd tell me anyhow, and I felt better. Even if it didnt make any sense, hearing him say that made me feel better.

But I can't call him. I will never hear his voice again as long as I live. I am not ready to die yet, so I don't think I want to exercise that option in order to hear him.

I have heard that through You all things are possible. And since You decided it was my dad's time to go, and I had no choice in the matter, that I deserve a little help here.

Could You tell me things will be OK? How will I know when you're sending me that message?

I miss my dad so much Lord, I could use a little help here.

Please.